I have been bracing myself for some kind of flood of emotions, some tidal wave of grief, but it's not forthcoming. I feel good. Last night, I attended a concert with a friend and, at one point during the show, I thought: I'm happy. I was swept up in the music and fully in the moment. There were affectionate couples all around me, but I wasn't the least bit sad or wistful. Hopeful, more like.
Is something wrong with me? Am I in denial? Am I suppressing emotions? I honestly don't know. I must be a sick person because last Thursday an episode of Project Runway made teary (hey, my relationship had just ended, let a girl indulge) but breaking up with my boyfriend hours earlier didn't.
The only shaky moment I had was on Sunday night. I had spent the weekend with my family and dreaded going back to my apartment, which I knew would be empty. In the end I was okay, thanks to a DVD rental, my couch, and some cigarettes.
Oh yeah, I started smoking again. That is one of the things that helped get me through the weekend. Not healthy, I know, and hopefully temporary. I've also had trouble getting to sleep the last couple of nights, so I'm exhausted today, but I don't necessarily think that's a reflection on my emotional state. Oh, and there's one Action of Questionable Wisdom that involved sending an email to Film Felix (foolish, and I really don't want to go into it, but there you have it).
I'm trying not to avoid dealing with things, but I also don't want to dwell on bad feelings or wallow in self-pity. Even if I could go back I wouldn't, not to those passionless last few weeks, not to someone I now know isn't The One. Instead of moping, I'm throwing myself into my work, working on improving my diet and getting more exercise, and stuffing my calendar full of social activity. I'm not doing cartwheels over being single again and the accompanying possible long stretch of celibacy (oh, how I loathe the idea of random hookups and awkward first dates), but I'm dealing with it and trying to focus on what's there, not what's lacking.
Despite two of my friends getting married this year and two more getting engaged, I refuse to be one of those women who panic about when it's going to happen for them. I spent part of this year in a happy relationship, which is already pretty nice. If it's in the cards for me to be alone for the next few months--or even years--I'll try to handle the solitude with grace. Grace and lots of alcohol. Just kidding about the alcohol part. Sort of.