Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Subterfuge

Something is beginning in order to end: adventure does not let itself be drawn out; it only makes sense when dead... Each instant appears only as part of a sequence. I cling to each instant with all my heart: I know that it is unique, irreplaceable--and yet I would not raise a finger to stop it from being annihilated. -- Jean-Paul Sartre

Every period of prolonged action should be followed by a period of reflection. Lord knows I've had quite a bit of action these last few months, and being ill the last week-and-a-half has allowed for quite a spell of navel-gazing.

People are good at taking lots of things for granted, especially a healthy body. When the congestion and achiness came on and my energy plummeted, when I nearly lost my voice over the weekend and spent the better part of ten days barely being able to get out of bed, my depression increased, and I didn't realize how much of it was physical. Unhealthy body, unhealthy mind.

Anyway, now that my voice and general feeling of well-being is returning, I can solidify some thoughts that have been percolating in my feverish head.

I've been playing it pretty fast and loose with men. I have followed impulses, reveled in a chemistry-filled connection, and basked in the afterglow. I had unbelievable amounts of fun and lived in the moment. I wanted to keep my options open and continue meeting/seeing various men.

That attitude worked for a while, but I have moved on.

I am now accepting boyfriend applications.

I was thinking about how I haven't exactly inspired relationship desires in men by sleeping with them so soon. At the same time, I've also had relationships come out of previous promiscuous phases. Besides, Polly is in the same boat as I am and she doesn't sleep with guys as quickly as I do, yet she is also single. And when I have gone through periods of my life when I have been more chaste (no, really), the result was often the same: no relationship.

The conclusion I have reached is that we are single because it's our time to be single. We have a lot to offer any man who comes along with serious intentions, but those men have not revealed themselves to us as of yet.

I do believe there are good men out there. I think TV Tyler is a good man. I also think the fact that we see each other once every week or two, primarily for sex, indicates low boyfriend potential at this point. Quite frankly, whatever it is I have with him is not enough for me, but the way our interactions have evolved hardly merit a state of the nation discussion. I haven't answered his last email. I'm guessing I won't hear anything further from him.

There's also the matter of TV Tyler's roommate, Film Felix.

I have never met Film Felix. He and TV Tyler have been friends for a number of years. From what he's told me, it sounds like Film Felix is TV Tyler's Pretty Polly.

On our third date, TV Tyler and I started talking about our online profiles, and I mentioned that I changed my screen name. He said that his roommate actually pointed that fact out to him. I asked how his roommate would know my screen name and it's because I checked out Film Felix's profile (the way the site works, you can see the profile of anyone who has viewed yours). I became embarrassed, even though I shouldn't have been--it's not like TV Tyler and I were exclusive. I asked what Film Felix's profile name was and he told me: Falant [obviously not the real profile name]. I froze, because I remembered it well, better than any other profile; I could see the photos vividly in my mind and could practically quote some of his questionnaire responses. TV Tyler joked about how Film Felix should have asked me out and brought me back to his place, where TV Tyler could be sitting in the living room to casually greet us. I must have turned bright red at that point and TV Tyler cracked that he wasn't into threesomes.

He was a better sport about it than I would have been. If my roommate told me TV Tyler had looked at her profile, I'd be miffed, even if it was irrational of me (I'm sure that wouldn't be the first time in history a woman was irrational).

But wait! The plot thickens. Or rather, it kinda semi-coagulates. A little.

I was on the subway a few weeks ago, reading a novel in which one of the main characters shares my name. I reached a dramatic scene in which another of the main characters is introduced and I swear a jolt of electricity went through me when I read the name: Falant. The only time I ever came across the name before was via Film Felix's profile. Of course my brain, in its eagerness to make super-connections, thought it must be fate that I was reading this book which contained his unusual pseudonym and my real name. I was destined to meet Film Felix, I absolutely had to. It was a sign, right?

Um, probably not. I'm clearly taking my frustrations with TV Tyler and turning his roommate into my ideal because I haven't actually met or had any contact with him. Therefore, Film Felix can still be perfect in my mind.

Meanwhile, I realize there is no way I could pull off a roommate switcheroo. Even though TV Tyler clearly doesn't want me to be his girlfriend, I think his friendship with Film Felix runs too deep and it would be beyond awkward for me to start anything. It doesn't stop me from being curious, but I know this curiosity isn't coming from a healthy place.

Pretty Polly and I were discussing the concept of tabula rasa shortly before she named her new blog. The idea of clearing the slate and starting clean is quite appealing. It means rethinking some of my attitudes and behaviors. It means shaking off the last of these blues and approaching the world with a new sense of possibility. It means being patient and steadfast (and, yes, less slutty).

Every moment that came before this one is dead. Here's to adventure of a different kind.

37 comments:

Horse said...

I think you should go ahead and meet Film Felix. Don't let the roommate switcheroo thing bother you. He might be a great guy.

Also, glad to hear you're feeling better!

Horse said...

Also, may I submit an idea for your next post?

...

Great! I think you should post an literal boyfriend application. It would be like a job application, where you fill out your qualifications for being a good significant other. All the people who comment could take turns filling it out, and you could learn more about us. I think It would be good for a laugh, and it would get your creative juices flowing too!

ps

:-) <--This is my emoticon for JP Sartre. Simone de Beauvoir was always a sucker for that lazy eye ;P

Pretty Polly said...

Great post. I totally agree. I think we're both in a reflection period. I love how we're always on the same page!

Dolly said...

Horse,
Meeting Film Felix is not an option right now. First of all, things with TV Tyler are still up in the air, so it would be really tacky of me. Second of all, I don't have contact info for FF and no longer subscribe to the personals site, hence have no way to get in touch.

As for the job application, I've already thought about doing a post like that. I don't know that I want to publicize on here exactly the type of guy I want. I'm still thinking about it.

Polly,
You can borrow my Sarte when I'm done reading it, if you want. ;) And then we can swap Yes books!

StrangerInTheseParts said...

"I know this curiosity isn't coming from a healthy place"

You can say that again. The whole FF/TVT situation reminds of the post where you said that if you could have put TVT and Arty Adam together, you'd have a real man. Sadly, mix and match partners are not yet available in the US.

Also, it's not a promising zone when you are attracted to someone, no matter how great they are, who comes with a built in obstacle and mess. How do you know you aren't attracted to the challenge/ frustration more than the person themself?

I'll just say again that watching you go through, and come down off, your high has been a real treat. Both in the present and retrospectively, your smarts and your sanity come through clearer and clearer.

Last thought: isn't there some way that you can just let go of partnering as a goal altogether? How about making some space where that can come into your life on its own? Not trying is often the best route to success. Or another way to think of it, Never go shopping on an empty stomach.

Larissa said...

'We have a lot to offer any man who comes along with serious intentions, but those men have not revealed themselves to us as of yet.' love this quote, very reassuring to many of us gals out there.

And if I were you, I'd stay away from a switcheroo for now. Besides, it's not like you have a problem meeting men!

Horse said...

I meant, you post the questions, such as "what do you see yourself doing in 5 years?" But you make them up, as though it were an actual application.

You don't have to make any statements as to what type of guy you want. I (and others, I'm sure) would love to know what kinds of questions you would ask.

Hypothetically, If I were looking for a boyfriend, and I had already decided TV Tyler wasn't BF material, I'd shut him down. That's just me talking, though. I am actually more interested in hearing how you will handle the situation, so I can learn from you :)

Please forgive me for interjecting, but I take it you really like this book Nausea? Y'all ever read Being and Nothingness? I found it rather dry, but it might have been due to a poor translation (also, I was in 7th grade).

Dolly said...

Stranger,
Could you tell me where outside the US mix 'n' match partners are available? Because I still have some vacation days... As for letting go, I am trying to. Have been trying.

Larissa,
Morbidly tempting as it may be, I'm going to resist the switcheroo. After all, the guy lives a few blocks away from me, so if I'm meant to meet him, I'll run into him sooner or later.

pookalu said...

i'd like to think it's also my time to be single, but i think it's also because i haven't been hit with that "thunderbolt," that feeling you get when you just Know.

(and my ex, who is bad news, is still trying to get in my pants....it makes for good distraction, but in the end, i'm with you -- tabula rasa.)

CoatMan said...

Welcome to Early Filteria. Are you coming here on vacation, or do you wish to become a permanent citizen?

Dolly said...

Pookalu,
Yeah, I think I'm going to hold out for the thunderbolt. Ex sex is evil. My experience with it is limited but heartwrenching. I hope you get your blank slate.

Coatman Coatman Coatman,
Alas, it can never be. I want kids. But I'd love to chat about my own experiences in the UK sometime... and there's a small chance I may visit again (I can't really go into the details).

Stretch said...

Dolly,

I too am accepting applications. But only for those who have health insurance...WITH DENTAL. I'm looking for a sugar momma who knows how to take care of herself---and me, for that matter.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB114298704351704652.html?mod=hps_us_pageone

Hey baby, what's your deductible?

Stretch said...

If you weren't able to open that link, here's an excerpt:

Got Abs? Personality?
Health Insurance
Won't Hurt, Either

Online Daters See Big Benefits
In Mates With Coverage;
Mr. David's Proposition

By SARAH RUBENSTEIN
March 22, 2006; Page A1

Christine Ferris is searching online for that special someone. "I would like to meet a man who can relax and enjoy the woods, the fog, the sea, the mountains," says her profile on dating site True.com1. "Someone who can feel the wonder of nature. I am a romantic and you are too."

Also, her ideal man should "have health insurance and use it."

Health insurance is expensive, complex and bureaucratic. These days, it's also sexy. Right up there with washboard abs, a steady job and a fun-loving personality, health coverage is emerging as a hot selling point among online daters. It's especially the case among suitors of a certain age who need, and prize, good benefits the most.

Those who have it sometimes flaunt it as an asset, a sign to potential mates that they are serious, professional and grounded. Others troll for partners with blue-chip policies because they need coverage themselves, or want evidence -- short of asking for a credit report -- that a prospect isn't a slacker.

"I don't have time to waste," explains Ms. Ferris, a 45-year-old teacher from Sebastian, Fla. "If you care about yourself, then you're going to tend to care about other people as well."

Lisa Dunbar, a 49-year-old legal secretary, recently posted her prescription for romantic suitors on Craigslist's Los Angeles site. "Are you strong, smart and sophisticated, confident and kind, without being too uppity or conceited? Do you make at least $75,000 a year and have health insurance?"

Ms. Dunbar says that several years ago, when she was uninsured, she ended up in the hospital for hand surgery and had to rely on public assistance to cover most of the bills. The experience prompted her to change jobs to get health coverage. Now, she expects a mate with similar priorities -- one who comes bearing his own deductible and co-pays. "I want somebody to be as together as I am," she says.

Medical coverage used to be a perk that many people took for granted. But at a time when insurance rates are soaring, and an aging work force has seen its benefits slashed, folks on the dating scene are learning that it's hard to find a good plan.

Horse said...

Stretch: I get health & dental. Can I be your girlfriend?

I should respond to that craigslist ad:

"I meet all of your requirements except that I'm conceited.

Metaphysically conceited, that is, like John Donne. If you're ok with that, then we can be 'as stiff twin compasses are two.' Rowr!"

I actually agree with the premise of the article: If you take care of yourself, you will show other people that you have your shit together, sort of like the Freakonomics example I gave a couple threads ago.

jo said...

i'm glad that you're hesitating bout meeting with film felix just yet... but if it were the other way, i bet the guy wouldn't have any qualms bout meeting your good friend... okay so i'm jaded bout that at the moment haha!

tabula rasa. i love that idea! seriously i want to just clean the slate...

Shangrila said...

Now accepting boyfriend applications???
Uh-oh watch out!

Screw the applications. I was just wondering...What do you want? Not what is exciting, but instead what does your heart want?

Dolly, there is something inside of you that makes you as unique and beautiful as you are. Its that same beauty and uniqueness that we each have - yes...even the fugly people on myspace.

But, that part of you that doesn't care for drama or the thrill of a PUA.

But what about that thing that makes your heart beat? That thing inside your gut that responds when someones "quirkiness" matches yours.

If you're this smart and this self-reflective you obviously run deep and deep runs with deep.

I'll tell you this search is hard.

But the good guys are out there, I am one of them. We exist, and yes some of us are good-looking (I'm hot if I shave), emotionally stable (its all about therapy baby!), communicative and educated.

And ya, taking it fast physically, it happens, whatever. But, seeking true intimacy, that's hot. And heck, its hard. Real initmacy is communication and listening, getting your rocks off is much easier.

When you said:
The conclusion I have reached is that we are single because it's our time to be single. We have a lot to offer any man who comes along with serious intentions, but those men have not revealed themselves to us as of yet.

Yes, you will have something to offer a man when he has good intentions for you. Good intentions like he wants to know what makes Dolly who she is. Remember that scene in City of Angels when Nick Cage asks Meg Ryan about the strawberry she was eating? He didn't ask "how does it taste?" Instead he asked "how does it taste to you, what does it mean to you? How does it feel for you" That's awesome. Trying to understand someone's heart. Sounds scary..doesn't it. Its a risk...

I think it's all about what vibes you are you giving out. We all have antenna's that give off our vibes which are in actuallity our thoughts. And our behaviors and thoughts will bring to us what we think. Its all about intention. If you believe that you want a good man with good intentions are you the right woman that is ready for that man with the good intentions?

This long-winded monologue is not cause I know any better. I don't.

I'm just someone looking to see my way out of this paper bag into the wholeness, intimacy and intensity that life has to offer.

Ya, besides Tyler, Felix or whoever there are good guys out there.

Just believe that in this time of navel gazing reflection you are coming to your truth. And know that you will recognize that other soul (of some hot guy) that runs deep, and when you do may your waters flow!

Dolly said...

Stretch,
I think that article is aimed at much older singles. I would think twice about dating someone my age who had insurance and needed it. I mean, accidents happen, but still, I'd like to think I'm ten or twenty years from worrying about what kind of coverage my partner has.

Jo,
I think it depends on the guy. Some wouldn't think twice about the switcheroo scenario, but others do have a coda (as much as I hate the phrase, "bros before ho's" has become a mantra for a reason).

Shangrila,
I am pretty secure in the knowledge that the kind of man I want to develop a true intimacy with is a rare specimen. It's not just about looks, smarts, and charm-- as you said there's something a lot deeper that needs to click. That kind of recognition and connection happens very infrequently. That's why it's so magical when it does.

Rubik said...

(Sigh)

I think these blogs are going to start going relationship-heavy which means a whole lot more boring.

Do me a favor ladies (and men). Make a new ANONYMOUS profile under a bogus name and come over and answer some questions.

I've got millions of questions for the ladies that need answering and me and the boys will answer yours in return. Topics will be all over the map from sensual message to what jizz tastes like.

I NEED TO KNOW these things to become a better lover.

You really need to be COMPLETELY anonymous so you can REALLY talk openly and ask what you REALLY WANT TO ASK.

No topic is too taboo.

http://thetruthaboutsex.blogspot.com/

I'm starting this new one, but if this already exists somewhere, somebody point me in the right direction.

Dolly said...

Rubik,

If you believe my blog is going to get boring because I may not chronicle random hook-ups any more, you are more than welcome to stop reading/commenting. Personally, I think all of that gets monotonous, whereas a relationship can provide a much bigger, multi-faceted, and enduring adventure. I don't think trying to get past surface encounters and evolve as a person is boring at all.

Horse said...

I think I will be more interested to find out about Dolly's relationship screening processes more interesting than her sex stuff. She's not that explicit anyway.

I've read your blog, too. You describe sex in detail, like in one of those Nina Bangs novels. I don't personally find that as interesting as Dolly's relationship struggles, but maybe it's because I'm not really into relationships for the physical act of sex.

I really want to be loved, you know? That's what I love about sex, that it is one of many ways for a woman to show me that I am in her emotional realm: that she has accepted me. I don't really want to compare notes about the mechanics of stimulating a clitoris with anyone other than the one whose clitoris I happen to be stimulating. I don't know if all that goes for everyone.

In my experience, the way to be a great lover is to be attentive and considerate, just like you are when you are trying to pick up a girl. Be honest with what you want, and try to get her to be honest with what she likes/dislikes about your style.*

Sex is more about emotional connections than newtonian mechanics. Read the Guide to Getting it on if you're still worried about not knowing enough to please women. If you are worried about how to please a specific woman, ask. If you act like you know everything, like you're some kind of sex god, you will come across as a jackass. Every girl is different.

I'd really like to hear what Dolly has to say about looking for a man. In the opening chapter of What Color is your Parachute, a comparison is made between employees and employers searching for each other "like ships passing in the night." The more I learn about how the kind of woman I want to be with (cheifly articulate, curious, and witty, among other things) goes about looking for a man, the easier it will be for me to pair up with one. I'd rather be a harbor than a ship.
:)

I hope that "TRUTH about sex" blog is everything you want it to be.

Good luck :D


*you still need to be in shape and smell nice though. That should go without saying.

Rubik said...

I'm a simple explorer in the world of sexuality...

...who was previously in a 7 year relationship!

Perhaps I'm going backwards!

Rubik said...

Horse -

Good luck with that angle, man. Girls don't like "nice guys". I used to be a nice guy.

Treat 'em like shit and they'll love you forever - is unfortunately true.

Women taught me that themselves - the hard way!

Yes, women want to be treated nicely

- BY BRAD PITT AND GEORGE CLOONEY!!!

But unless you are THAT alpha, you gotta be cruel to be kind.

CoatMan said...

Dolly: Um, I think that you misunderstood my post. I wasn't trying to proposition you; I was commenting that your change of direction that you describe in the post to which this is a comment suggests that you are becoming an early filterer, like me, and I was enquiring whether you planned to keep it that way. We early filterers must stick together!

Your desire to have children doesn't prevent you from being an early filterer: being an early filterer is not about what criteria that you use, but about when (and possibly how rigorously) whatever criteria that you do use are applied.

Rubik: Dolly's altered emphasis does not make her 'blog any more boring (as the hilarious post about replies to the online dating idiots demonstrates): just like Sex and the City evolved from a set of discontiguous and humour-orientated short-term relationship scenarios for the four main characters in the early serieses to series-spanning plots about long-term relationships in later serieses (Charlotte, for example, would not have dumped a man in the post 2000/2001 episodes, as she did in the first series, because she disliked his taste in crockery), so Dolly's life moves forward (or, at least, Dolly hopes) in a similar way. There is only so long that a person can be entertained by (reading about) a series of unconnected fly-by-night romances.

Dolly said...

Rubik,
Women may have flings with assholes, but they settle down with the nice guys. The ones who are mentally healthy and develop a sense of self-worth and maturity want a man who will be good to them. Which means you should probably stick to building your harem with emotionally stunted chicks; get 'em while they're still young and clueless. Women who love guys who treat them badly are not women who value themselves or females who have actually developed much as real women.

Coatman,
I'm sorry for misunderstanding you. Pretty arrogant of me for assuming you were flirting, no? And thanks for coming to my defense. I started this blog as more than a space to broadcast my sexcapades. If that's all people want to read about, there are plenty of sites that specialize in nothing more than intimate encounters, but I strive for more than that, in cyberspace and in life.

N said...

I think your curiosity in Film Felix is something the vast, vast, vast, vast, vast majority of young singles will be familiar with. :D

Because common sense tells us to stay away, we find ourselves fantasizing about an encounter, or maybe even find ourselves schemeing ways it might work!

Of course, I totally agree that it would be tacky at the moment to embark on a Film Felix mission. And as for getting in touch - you can hardly ask TV Tyler for his contact details, can you? (Although that would be entertaining for many of your more selfish readers ie: Me)

;)

Yet again, another wonderfully written post.

Rubik said...

What women say with their logical minds and what they do are often two very different things.

That is they struggle between their logic (brain) and their vagina/genetics (longing for the alpha).

Why else would you be creeped out by someone who sends you too many wordy emails?

Clearly that's a guy who's trying to be nice to you.

Horse said...

rubik:
Treat 'em like shit and they'll love you forever - is unfortunately true.

I think you are oversimplifying. If you continuously demonstrate higher value, everyone will love you forever. In my opinion, treating a girl like shit is a crude method of demonstrating higher value. I think there are better, more effective ways of letting a woman know that you're a classy man--ways that will allow you to sleep at night.

If you follow the PUA culture, you know who the best ones are. Style comes across as the nicest, most relentlessly sweet, upbeat interesting guy you can imagine. Mystery projects an aura of fun, like he wants everybody to have a great time. The rest of the guys are, with a few exceptions (Juggler), complete fuckups. Go read the comments in thundercat seduction lair if you don't believe me.

Misogyny gets old just as fast as supplication does. You only notice the guys who treat women like shit because it's relatively unusual. If a girl responds to you denigrating her constantly, you will lose interest, and that, as I'm sure you know from your experience with the live-in ex, is worse.

pawlr said...

Horse - yeah I concur. Sexism works (vive la differance); misogyny does not, or at least not with a higher-caliber woman.

Rubik said...

Horse -

"Nice" definitely is NOT the answer.

Style still negs the target.

He said right in The Game the best way he found to reel in women on the Internet is to be a total asshole in emails and then be a nice guy in real life (I'm still contemplating that one).

Despite what the movies sell you, the asshole gets the girl, the nice guy goes without.

STELLLLLAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

You know how many women swooned over Brando in that movie?

And their mommies didn't teach them that - it's genetic.

Rubik said...

Who's Madonna's "love of her life"?
Sean Penn = dick

Stephanie Seymour and Axl Rose?
Axl Rose = dick

Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown
Bobby Brown = dick

The list goes on and on...

Rubik said...

Han Solo and Leia

Han Solo = DICK!

LOL!!!

Horse said...

coatman: this reminds me of one of the great nineteenth century poems:

Coatman and Doll-ly, sitting in a tree...

I'm just joshin' man <:D. Love your blog; I filter early too (unless I'm drunk).

Dolly: shangrila was the one hitting on you in this thread, not coatman [ducks for cover].
You said what I said better, and before I said it. Jesus, my grammar is so byzantine, kids call me Santa Clause.

n: you can hardly ask TV Tyler for his contact details, can you? (Although that would be entertaining for many of your more selfish readers ie: Me)
*psst: don't tell her that! You're totally ruining everything ;)*

Dolly said...

Rubik,
When I saw Streetcar, I wanted to KILL Marlon Brando's character. I remember saying to my then-boyfriend that Stanley represented everything that was wrong with men.

Horse said...

rubik: Here's what I think will happen with your strategy: You'll meet a nice girl who is attracted to you and shit all over her. You will hurt her feelings and lower her self-esteem. She'll eventually get fed-up and leave you for a guy who is a doormat. You will be back here wondering why your "strategy" backfired.

Why do I think that's what will happen?

Because I fucking did that, dude. I did it. I shat all over a girl, a girl I loved, one of the smartest girls I ever met. I was arbitrarily mean to her, because I too had just gotten out of a very long, stagnant relationship (I was the dumpee), and I had an ax to grind. How do you think this story ends?

I literally (literally) still can't sleep at night sometimes, and I still wish I could make it right.

Women aren't all bad people, rubik. They don't all deserve to be hurt just because you had a bad experience with one that is petty and selfish.

I never even told her I had loved her until I knew she hated me. With this strategy...you risk putting a big black spot on the story of your life.

Rubik said...

Horse -

It's all based on where you start.

I'm in extreme danger at all times of being a wuss and being too nice - like I am with UnknownLawyer.

I think there's various places involved too.

When you first meet the woman and maybe into the first few dates, you kind of have to be an asshole.

Or maybe "asshole" is a relative term depending on where you're standing.

Let's just say you don't show up with flowers after your first date. You don't send them multiple long wordy emails.

So there's the dating side of it, then there's the relationship side of it.

I considered myself an "expert" in relationships and living with women having lived with one for two years and another for seven.

The fact that I was nice to her during our relationship, and had a mediocre reaction, was irritating.

Then I break up with her, and start seeing other women, tell her she should see other people

THEN suddenly she LOVES me. The crappier I treat her, the more I try to get rid of her, the harder she comes at me!

Women are so infuriating.

Please!! If any of us rolled up on Dolly in a bar and where "nice", she would hate it (unless we were George Clooney or Brad Pitt).

If they are lower than you, you can be nice.

If they are level or above you, you have to be a prick or they won't give you the time of day.

Like most people, women are attracted to higher value. If you have no immediate face value (pull up in a limo, or whatever). If you're just a regular guy, you MUST roll up and be a bit of a prick to assert value. ESPECIALLY if she's hotter than you are.

The ONLY way "nice" works is if the girl is lower value than you immediately (you a 9, she a 3).

Stretch said...

This is a very interesting (and age-old) debate: can the "nice guy" get the girl? And I think we are oversimplifying things a bit, as horse points out.

Dolly...you mentioned you hated Brando's character in "Streetcar." But what if we massaged that character a bit, maybe left him with the confidence, leader-of-men, and ruggedness traits, sans the abusiveness and wife-beater T-shirt. Then do you think he might have made you swoon?

I doubt women were swooning in the theater when Brando was about to rape his wife's sister. They swooned over the "Stella" line because in that scene he is experiencing genuine heartache over the thought of his wife leaving him. They swooned over Brando because he was passionate about the outcome of each moment of his life. He was a man who could break them out of their boring day-to-day reality. And that is why a woman in a bar usually will never go for the "nice guy" joe schmoe wearing the pleated khaki pants and tucked-in button-down shirt when a more exciting opportunity is available (even if he comes off as a bit of an asshole / "bad boy," because in her mind she at least wants to believe she can change that behavior with "the magic of her kiss"). Why should she go for joe nice guy? What does he have to add? She is probably already surrounded by that sort of guy in her otherwise mundane day-to-day life.

The point I am driving at is that I think most women actually do mean it when they say they want a "nice guy," it is just that they want to see the more confident / alpha male traits first, then see the nice-guy-great-future-husband-father traits emerge after attraction has already taken place. Most men get the process reversed, then complain that women don't go for "nice guys."

Furthermore, being a "nice guy" does not mean being predictable. You can keep the attraction alive and well in a relationship while being a "nice guy" so long as you don't lapse into doing exactly the same things over and over.

Oh, and in the middle of all this, it certainly doesn't hurt to look like Brad Pitt or Eric Bana.

Can any women here back me up on that?

FraternityFool said...

This is my first comment here Dolly, I found your blog through the PUA link.
I must say you suffer like many in the seduction community do. We all have trouble growing up and coming to terms with who we're going to choose in the long term.
American society is so fixated on perfection that it has forgotten to embrace uniqueness and real priorities.
We're getting older everyday, and happiness isn't in how many people we score with but in who we settle down with instead.
The same is true about choosing friends, I enjoy loyal and longterm friends and fraternity brothers who I can count on whether I'm 25 or 95 years old.
The same is true for any relationship. I would rather have 1 girl who I can count on growing old with rather than gaming 6 random girls I'll never see the next weekend.
Just saying it's our "fast food society" that can't sit back and enjoy the roses that contributes to the problem. It seems everyone wants happiness without investing their time and hard work into achieving it. Sincerely, the Fraternity Fool.