Thursday, November 30, 2006

angst in my pants

"I meet guys I like and really connect with so rarely."

"That's because we're both romantics."

"You're right. Damn it."

This was after Coworker Chris and I downed specially concocted blue tequila shots. What better time to discuss the sorry state of our love lives. Chris has been dealing with a dramatic break-up that occurred nearly a year ago but still haunts and stings. I'm dealing with... well, nothing, which is its own problem, I guess.

I haven't talked about Coworker Chris much, but he has become a dear friend ever since we bonded at last year's company Christmas party playing Spot the Trophy Wife. Whenever there'd be a development between Chris and his ex we'd have an extensive discussion, and he was always one of the first people I went to after meeting a new guy or having a date or getting involved in a minor newspaper scandal. He's the Harry to my Sally, except that we're never going to date. Mind you, he's of the endangered Good Guy species, has a heart the size Montana, and gives good banter, but we are not each other's types and are too different in many ways (though I am not allowed to mention our conflicting music tastes, because Coworker Chris yelled at me about that last night and then went on about his love for The Cure, so I stand humbled and shamed). It's also nice to have a male friend to flirt with.

So there was alcohol flowing, there were cigarette breaks, there was banter. The bartender looked like Chris's ex, which was a bit upsetting to him, though he was holding steady.

After one of our cigarette breaks, when we went back into the bar, there was a jacket and bag on my chair.

"I'm sitting here," I said to the California-looking guy the next seat over.

"You are?"

"Yeah. I thought the jacket draped over the back of the chair and the drink were indicators of that, but I guess not."

He didn't reply for a while. A minute later, he turned to me and Coworker Chris and asked how we're doing tonight. Small talk ensued and I asked his name.


Oh lord.

"Just don't be a David."

"I'm not David. What's wrong with Davids?"

"They're trouble. Long story."

"So what's you're name?"


"Give me the first letter."

"I'll give you the second letter."

I guessed correctly on the first try. Let's call him Realtor Rick.

After some chit-chat, he mentioned a book he's working on. Bartender Betty told me a bit about it.

"Do you have a blog?" I asked Rick.

"I don't."

"You should start one. I've been a writer for 20 years, but it wasn't until I started a blog in the last year that agents started contacting me."

"What's your blog about?" Bartender Betty asked.

"Dating. Sex. I'm also friends with pickup artists, so I write about the seduction community from time to time."

"Wait, are you Dolly?" Realtor Rick asked.

My jaw dropped. "Yes. How do you know?"

Turns out Realtor Rick is a bit of a PUA himself. We talked shop for a bit and laughed at the coincidence, pausing to down another tequila shot from Bartender Betty. He invited me to the NYC lair meeting this Sunday, but unfortunately I can't make it because I won't be in town. I have to say, it was pretty cool being caught out like that. A first.

Rick emailed this morning: Let's keep in touch. You'd be a healthy addition to my entourage.

It's funny, because I recently ended my affiliation with Project Manhattan and didn't expect to have much interaction with the seduction community for a while. Then the other week, someone I know from PickUp101 emailed to let me know he's moving to NYC in January, and I heart the PickUp101 guys, so there will be hanging out. Then last night I met another freakin' pickup artist. Just when I think I'm getting out, they pull me back in.

Maybe this is a new everything-happens-for-a-reason chapter, maybe being around upbeat, flirtatious guys will pull me out of my slump. Unless it makes me more cynical about dating and courtship. Who knows. I mean, I find some aspects of pickups shady and manipulative and condescending and just plain lame, but it's not all bad. And hey, at least these guys are having the guts to put themselves on the line and approach women (unlike, oh, most of the male NYC population). Realtor Rick started up a conversation last night, and because of that I might have made a new friend. We should all talk to strangers more.


Cahnman said...

I don't trust this Realter Rick guy. He seems shady...real estate and pickup???

Just don't become too attracted to him...he'll only break your heart.

That is all.

Cahnman out.

Dolly said...

Naw, that's not going to be an issue. I see him more as a little brother.

Auntie Mom said...

Do you think he put his stuff on your chair on purpose? Is that a PUA thing?

Dolly said...

Yeah, I think it was on purpose. I mean, it got the conversation started, right?

Anonymous said...

I don't see how being around PUAs could not make you cynical about dating and courtship.

We should talk to intriguing strangers more often, but how about doing it without all these stale gambits?

The call their groups "lairs"? And not ironically or anything? Dear God, that is beyond douchey, I would laugh in someone's face if they told me something like that.

Dolly said...

Granted, there are aspects of the seduction community that are cheesy and geeky (have you seen the glossary of acronyms?). But I think the point is to learn attraction in a new way and be more confident and socially savvy. Yes, the routines and lines can be silly, but many of them really work and new ones are being created and honed all the time. Some guys need the training wheels before they get comfortable enough to talk to women without using canned material. You have to start somewhere.

Anonymous said...

Constant Dater, you liken yourself to Dorothy Parker? And not ironically or anything? I'd laugh in your face if you told me something like that.

Get over yourself. Realtor Rick is no more cynical than the makeup you slather on daily.

But Dolly, I'm surprised at you. The "guess" thing is very well known. You should have made him as a PUA the moment you heard it.

(But the thing where he put his stuff on your chair is new to me, though it lines up with some other stuff I've observed about considering a girl's space your own without being invited. The thing I heard of was a guy presumptuously putting his drink down on a woman's table without asking, going off and dancing with another woman, and coming back to hit on the first woman...who eventually did sleep with the guy.)

Current opinion seems to be that it doesn't matter if a woman's first emotional response to you is negative. It only matters that she DOES have an emotional response to you. Dolly, what's your take on this?

Anonymous said...

BTW, Dolly, how does telling people you have a blog affect your dating life? The moment I hear a girl has a blog, or even an interest in blogging, I rule her out as a dating prospect.

I can see how blogging wouldn't bother guys who are actors, but a lot of people are more circumspect.

Anonymous said...

Ok, one last question. Do you think that knowing you have a blog changes your experience of a date? I mean, are you still 100% in the moment, or is part of you looking for stuff that will work in the blog entry? You seem pretty organic, but looking at Constant Dater's blog makes me think she's not really participating in the dates as much as mining them for material for the blog/hopefully book/hopefully movie.

Most of these blogs just seem like the obligatory bad montage in every romantic comedy where Meg Ryan endures a long sequence of Bad Dates while waiting for Hanks to reenter. (And they're probably written that way on purpose.)

It's just so fucking boring, so self-involved, so self-pitying, so self-congratulatory. (I guess I'm still pissed at Constant Dater. I still can't believe that a woman who publishes a blog to complain about the men who take her out could ever consider a GUY cynical.) But maybe if I were an angry woman in NY I'd get it.

Mirza said...

Hey anon don't pick on constant dater, she's a victim of shallow bourgeois mating rituals and feels resentment against anything other. Misery is the river of the world;)

Anonymous said...

i just am writing this comment because i have entered the 21st century and acquired another blog. now i can leave you comments. huzzah

Frank said...

This blog is sublime. It's so insightful and entertaining that I can't handle it.

I showed it to a female friend of mine and she said about this first post "you're like coworker Chris," which I'm not sure how I feel about.

Anyway, continue to write, I'll continue to read.

Dolly said...

Thank you for the lovely comment. And being like Coworker Chris is a compliment. I'd be happy to know there are more men out there like him.

NotCarrie said...

You're famous!

Anonymous said...

Your last two blog entries make me think I almost have a responsibility to talk to random girls.

Realtor Rick said...

The meeting was Most Excellent!

Call Me...

cahnman said...

"The meeting was Most Excellent!

Call Me..."

This guy makes me sick.

What a creep.

Pinnacle said...

"Then last night I met another freakin' pickup artist. Just when I think I'm getting out, they pull me back in."

LOL! You are silly rabbit, Dolly!


Dolly said...

Charlie Brown,
I think men and women in general should talk to random people more often. I certainly don't always hold up my end of the bargain and fall into the aloof NYC trap sometimes.

RR isn't a creep, just young and misguided.

realtor rick said...

You missed a phenomenal night last night. Hotties to the left, hotties to the right. Hotties everywhere, everywhere in sight.

Dolly said...

Sorry to ignore those texts, but my chesiness tolerance has been at an all-time low. Glad to hear you had fun.

Anonymous said...

I love Realtor Rick. He's actually hitting on Dolly while linking to a site so he can get a kickback if someone clicks.

Anonymous said...

I will come out and support the statements of constantdater. If someone aked me to come to their "lair" I'd probably think they were a serial killer and run the other way.

Sorry, I really see how wearing makeup that you can tell is not real, is equivalent to being 100% phony and manipulative in every single way.

Anonymous said...

I really *CAN'T* see how wearing makeup is equivalent to being 100% phony and manipulative in every single way.

I need to go to sleep now ;)

Dolly said...

Anonymous 3:32,
Thanks for pointing that out.

Anonymous 12:00,
Just to clarify, PUAs don't refer to their homes as "lairs". The term "lair" is used as a synonym to "club". It's more a gathering of PUAs and is usually city-based (there's the Toronoto lair, the NYC lair, etc.). And they are not phony and manipulative 100% of the time, it's just some of the routines and behaviors that are. A lot of it really does have to do with being a more confident, outgoing, and interesting person. Not every guy who studies the stuff is looking to build a harem of unsuspecting young women (though some certainly have that as a goal).

SecondarySight said...

Dolly, thanks for dispelling some of the silly stereotypes about PUAs, as you usually do. Most people just hear words like "pickup" and "seduction" and look for ways to condemn phenomenon, which totally throws the baby out with the bathwater.

I do think the term "lair" is semi-ironic. In fact, I am cracking up just thinking about it.

Unfortunately, many people in our society see it as creepy or evil for men to take any practical measures to make themselves more attractive, confident, and interesting to women (even some of the very women who complain that guys are unattractive, wimpy, and boring). Although some of the Dungeons & Dragons-like jargon in the community may be taken seriously by some members, I think other members use terms like "lair" to make fun of society's moralistic and impractical attitudes towards how men should approach sex and relationships with women. Are we evil? Hell yeah... We hang out in LAIRS and shit! OMG! So EEEEEVIL!

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