Saturday, March 10, 2007

anger is an energy

Between the ridiculously stressful week at work, the last dregs of this cough/cold (I am never smoking pot ever again), and the 10,000 things I have needed to plan for my trip before I leave on Monday, I have had little time to think about Ben. I was more focused on the dozens of tasks I needed to complete at the office before my two-week absence. I was more preoccupied with thinking about everything I needed to pack for my journey, while calming my fears of travelling alone to a new continent, to a country where I don't speak the language to go backpacking and camping for the first time in my life. In fact, I should be packing instead of writing this, but I need to vent.

I've had quite a lot going on. Yet there were still moments where my mind would circle back to Ben. On Wednesday morning, when Polly came into work, I went into her office and cried and cried. A little while later, I went down to Coworker Chris's office and lather-rinse-repeated. I cried bitter, humiliated tears at being rejected in such a cruel way. The morning's sadness faded away as the day went on, hardening into something sharper, brighter, colder: anger.

I have spent these last few days in a controlled rage. I don't care if he was upset about being back at the bar instead of waving his dick around onstage, or if he was coming down from a coke binge, or if he was just plain bored and cranky. The way he treated Roommate Rachel and me is inexcusable. He was disrespectful to both of us, invading her personal space with his questions and physical contact, and alternately being rude to and ignoring me.

In a way, he did me a favor. Whatever spell I was under, it's been lifted. Whatever fog I was lost in has cleared. Any affection I felt for Ben has been replaced with a black hatred.

I can't believe I got so carried away all these months. I can't believe I read so much into our minute interactions, believed there was something there. I can't believe I put him up on such a pedestal, gave him credit for being this great person even as I was receiving information to the contrary.

They say living well is the best revenge and I will have my vengeance. Starting tonight. I will not let Ben keep me from my favorite bar, but I will let him see what a great time I have there, with my friends and with other men. I will be impervious to his dark gazes and cloying caresses. I will not be one of the many who still become hypnotized by his dubious charm; instead I will exhibit nothing towards him but icy indifference.

I know being so angry isn't healthy, but it's providing a good catalyst for getting on with things, for shifting my focus away from the unworthy and insignificant. The rage will subside and I will bask in my new emotional freedom, breathing easy, no longer haunted by that handsome, smug son of a bitch.

What a perfect time to leave the country.


Vicious said...

Delicious anger. Good for you, but don't get hung up on it. Myself? I tend to wallow in it, and/or radiate it. Be extra careful to not direct it at your friends, even if your not intending to, they'll feel it.

Omar said...

"In a way, he did me a favor. Whatever spell I was under, it's been lifted. Whatever fog I was lost in has cleared."


Casimir said...

"In a way, he did me a favor. Whatever spell I was under, it's been lifted. Whatever fog I was lost in has cleared."

But, it has been replaced by another one.

Perception never seems to be clear... things are always seen vanishingly through a distorted emotional haze.

monicker said...

Let that anger rage - it'll help some. Just don't let it spin you.

Constant Dater said...

Nice PiL reference!

clarissa said...

do you think (trip aside) that maybe getting some time away from the bar would be a good thing?

just because there is going to be a lot of baggage there, between ben and mitch and the potential for gossip and all of that...i guess what i mean is, make sure you are living well for -you- before you start showing up at the guys place of employment working the icy indifference because then it might look spiteful and shallow or even just weird if he doesn't realize he hurt you since the emotional investment wasn't equal or out in the open...or even worse, ben won't realize you are living well out of revenge against his actions, and that might honestly end up hurting your feelings even more, you know? i think in a situation like this, indifference might be even harder to experience than say, hostility.

Ted T. said...

"do you think (trip aside) that maybe getting some time away from the bar would be a good thing? "

I don't think you are anywhere near ready to go back to that bar, even if you'll ever be (if Ben still works there). You'll always have him in the back of your mind, and even if you are "over him" it is just not a good situation. A bar should be a place where you go to forget the past and have fun.

Meanwhile have a great trip!

Dolly said...

Clarissa and Ted,
I was there last night and it was fine. I didn't talk to Ben much except to order drinks (most of which he didn't charge me for). I don't know if he sensed the shift, but he was nicer to me. In a way, I was able to relax and be myself at the bar even more, it was great. And when I was talking to people, I didn't feel like I was putting on a show for him or anything like that. I think even my anger has mostly subsided. A lot of people tell me to stay away from the bar and find somewhere else to go, but the fact is, I always talk to new people when I go and have great conversations, which doesn't happen at most other NYC bars I go to. This place is special and I won't let a silly crush on a silly bartender ruin that for me. I'm pretty much cured at this point, anyway.

MissCurious said...

cured?!?! i'm having the complete mirror image of what you've been having, the only difference being, i'm in san francisco. i tell everyone i'm cured... tell everyone i can see right through him, but really deep down, i think somehow my new aloof attitude will make him realize what he's missing, and he will suddenly want me.

i go to this bar every monday night... tonight, i desperately tried to make other plans - but really, not that desperately... still telling myself and everyone that i'm totally onto his game, it's over... but i can't stop going.

he's done EXACTLY everything that Ben's done... i mean EXACTLY. he throws out the "I love you's"... and the "no, i really do love you's." we catch one another's stare... i always think it's this "knowing" look... like we know one another... that there's some connection just between the two of us. but then, i watch him give that intense stare to the next girl. yet, still i buy it... still i believe.

you can say that it's your favorite bar, and you don't want his antics to stop you from going to 'your' bar... but really, it's just that you can't stop going because of him... i'm sure you're always aware of his presence. those things don't just stop... we look for hundreds of reasons to hate him, but it doesn't work so easily.

this trip will be soooo good for you because you do need to stop going to that bar for a little while. you just have to... not forever... but you need the memory of him to fade... and THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

uhhhhh, i know it's not easy because i told myself last monday that i would NOT be going tonight... and then i'm out of the country next week, so i figured 2 weeks outta' there would be good. but this morning, i thought about what i'd wear... actually did my hair... all dressed up for disappointment... dressed up to once again, hop into the seat of that cab trying to hold back tears until i entered my apartment.

but we can't stop, can we... he's our alcohol.

heartbroken alcoholics we are.

--- i know this may sound harsh, and i don't mean it to be... it's also me just being hard on myself... uhhhhhh! ------