Porn: A Like Story

Over the weekend, BF David and I did something I haven't done with a boyfriend in several years: we looked at porn.

BF David and I came back to my place, a little tipsy, and I jokingly told him he was welcome to look at porn while I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. I even loaded a website of free porn clips for his amusement. What started out as kidding around turned into curious browsing. We took turns showing each other clips from some of our favorite categories and BF David even showed me some "alternative porn" which is pretty much like regular porn except that the "actors" are hipsters with tattoos and the women don't have fake boobs. We got so into looking at various clips that we ended up staying up for hours and were nearly too tired to do the deed ourselves (key word being nearly).

My relationship with porn goes way back to when I was a teenager watching late night cable. I'd wait for something steamy on Skinemax, maybe something starring Shannon Whirry (anybody remember her?) or an episode of Red Shoe Diaries. Sometimes the programming gods were against me and the channels would yield nothing better than a Dolph Lundgren explosion-fest. Other times, my patience would be rewarded and I'd see a pouty, sleepy-eyed gal giving a come hither smile to a square-jawed, barrel-chested Ken doll of a man. The soft-focus, slow motion grinding that ensued was a bit dull (who the hell has sex at such a snail pace?) but was erotic in its own way. Softcore didn't get any softer than this. This was the easy listening of porn.

Years later, my parents got a cable descrambler. Now I was able to access both the Spice and Playboy channels. The latter was rarely interesting, favoring clips of posing Barbie girls (sometimes in live call-in shows where they--lord help us all--actually spoke) with few movies involving sex... with men. Spice Channel was better in that it consistently showed fucking. Even then, however, the formula got a bit dull. Ugly greasy guy meets plasticy girl with enough make up to make RuPaul jealous, bad dialogue ensues until we are put out of our misery by the removal of clothing. She goes down on him, he goes down on her, they have sex (usually he takes her from behind), he grunts, she moans in a way that belies her poor acting skills even more than the stilted dialogue preceding the action. If the film is of particularly poor quality, the moaning will be poorly dubbed and the humping scenes looped. Also, instead of the really slow fucking of softcore, there is really fast, jackhammer fucking (great, now I sound like the Goldilocks of pornography). Again, it does the job but is ultimately a yawn.

The best porn I have seen is the kind featuring real-looking people who look and sound like they are truly enjoying themselves. Years ago, Mom went out of town and I found her porn stash, including some gems from the 70's and 80's featuring actual pubic hair on women (*gasp*) and Ron Jeremy. Like most people with working retinas, I don't exactly consider Mr. Jeremy to be particularly good-looking. I'll go one step further to say that there's something rather, well, icky about Ron Jeremy. But I can see why he became a porn star, other than being well-hung. The guy is at ease in front of the camera, comfortable in his skin, funny, enthusiastic, and puts the women he's about to have sex with at ease. I mean, nothing short of chloroform would ever make me be able to do it with that guy, and I don't find his sex scenes particularly arousing, but I'll give credit where credit's due.

Personally, I have never owned porn. I like variety and brevity when it comes to erotica (I have never watched an entire porn from start to finish, but then who has?) as well as variety, so I much prefer the odds and ends available on the internet. There are tons of free clips available if you know where to look, and it's a great way to see some of the really wacky stuff out there. It's also a useful way to discover if you may have a particular fetish--or definitely do not. For example, I know without a doubt that balloon, midget, and granny porn do absolutely nothing for me. I mean, I pretty much knew that before, but now I conclusively, really know. I also discovered that I much prefer to participate in bondage and discipline than watch it.

In general, I view pornography much in the same way as I view vibrators: a quick and easy way to get off, but ultimately synthetic and not always very satisfying. It also makes me a bit concerned that we rely on other peoples' visual interpretations of sexual fantasy instead of doing the work ourselves. That's why I sometimes prefer to read erotica than view it: I can use my imagination to conjure at least some of the imagery. I try to retain my own ideas about what I want sex to look, sound, and (most importantly) feel like.

I know there's quality porn out there. I'm curious to see some of Candida Royale's work (made for and by a woman) and I like the trend of alternative porn, though it's going to take more than pasty skin and a few piercings to turn me on. In a way, I'm glad I haven't seen any pornography that I really, really love, because this way it can be something I keep as a minimal part of my sex life.

(This is where I'd tell you how much better the real thing is, anyway, but you already know that.)