Email from BT, two days ago:
You are going to get hurt. I don't know how many times I can tell you this. I don't want to be selfish, but I enjoy spending time with you. So I guess I will do so and eventually you will get hurt. Sound good?
Well...I guess that's that.
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34 comments:
I'm sorry that things didn't work out how you wanted.
However, his telling you that you're "going to get hurt" comes off as condescending and maybe a tad conceited--like, he's oh so awesome that his presence or absence carries so much weight. Furthermore, his awareness of his capability to hurt people doesn't excuse him from doing so.
He seems like a emotionally flaky, self-absorbed jerk with trust and boundary issues. It comes across both in the way he wanted to be a boyfriend after five minutes and in how he felt betrayed that you went on a couple casual dates after he had rescinded his boyfriend-itude.
All of this is to say that you should want more than this for yourself. You should want someone whom you trust and who trusts you, and likes you and wants to make a sincere effort to know you and be with you in a real way. And fuck your brains out, of course.
OMG he's so re-tah-ded.
You are going to get hurt. I don't know how many times I can tell you this. I don't want to be selfish, but I enjoy spending time with you. So I guess I will do so and eventually you will get hurt. Sound good?
Sound good? That sounds great! Who doesn't love to get hurt, psycho?
Go take a walk on the third rail asshole.
i don't disagree that he's a retard...but he does have the perspective of being able to read the blog, no?
so he'd know that dolly was in too deep...and maybe he doesn't want the commitment.
so he'd know that dolly was in too deep...and maybe he doesn't want the commitment.
He asked her to be exclusive before their first date. That's wacked. He's just immature and probably gets his kicks over emotionally manhandling women. Guys like that are a dime a dozen.
BT needs to grow up.
BT, i hope you are reading this....for real dude, talk about a self fulfilling prophecy..you ask someone for exclusivity before you know them well (totally sweeping them off their feet) and then you decide you shouldn't date anyone, get mad at the other party for taking that to mean they might as well test the waters while you make up your mind, all the while sending mixed, manipulative messages with the undercurrent that "oooh but watch out, i will hurt you"
OH COURSE YOU WILL HURT SOMEONE WHEN YOU ACT SO INCONSISTANTLY.
you've been manipulating a large portion of this situation since day one. you've been telling dolly you are above her or more powerful than her since you are the one capable of causing hurt in the relationship, and then OMG she ended up inadvertently hurting you and you couldn't take it because it didn't fall into your plan.
(also, for everyone calling him a retard, cool it, that's really not a nice thing to say, we should be old enough not to use that as an insult)
(also, for everyone calling him a retard, cool it, that's really not a nice thing to say, we should be old enough not to use that as an insult)
Yeah, you're right.
BT, read this really loudly:
I AM
SOFA
KING
WE TAR
DID
I think Dolly should read Wendy Walsh's "The Boyfriend Test", available on www.amazon.com
That will help her to screen out guys like BT.
Aphexcoil,
Hee, that was funny, hopefully BT can read it fast enough to get it.
(sorry if my comments hurt your feelings BT, I’m sure it’s not easy seeing random strangers rip on you on the internet, but I hope you also realize that it is hard for said random strangers to see their friend hurt. reaping, sowing, all that nonsense)
As for my quoted text, I know it’s overly PC of me, but I realized a while ago that that was a phrase I was using too much (which really bugged me since I’m studying psychology) so I’m on my personal crusade to be as boring and politically correct as possible. That probably just means I will say “fuck” more.
Also, I like your name if it is referencing two very awesome bands, which I am guessing it is!
Have to agree with coasta on this one...the fact that he can see the blog means he knows how Dolly feels. At least he's mature enough to give Dolly the information she needs before she lets things progress any further. Is it a bit arrogant / paternalistic to say "you are going to get hurt?" My first instinct is to say "yes," but who am I to judge? I don't know the context for whatever other conversations they might have had, and I don't know either of them. Maybe I wouldn't have phrased it quite that way, but let's face it, most guys aren't man enough to directly tell a woman "I'm just not that into you." It doesn't mean he'll never be that into Dolly...he just isn't right now. People do change.
On the one hand, Dolly is a grown woman and can look out for herself and her own feelings, but on the other I think it would have been irresponsible of him to lead her on and not let her know how he feels about things. Was it "leading her on" to ask her to be his girlfriend before they even had a date? Not if that is what he was actually feeling at the time. At least Dolly no longer has to second-guess herself or him about where things stand...people drive themselves nuts that way.
What Is So is the guy was initially attracted, expressed his interest in no uncertain terms, then had some reservations and expressed those too. What people are making it mean is "this guy is an asshole" or "this guy is immature" or whatever, but I have no idea how anyone could ever reach that conclusion without having met him. I think dating would be a lot more enjoyable for both men and women if both sexes exhibited this level of honesty and directness.
It is funny; I actually got a similar speech from a woman I have been dating on and off for the last few months--she said "I am afraid that if I let this go on I am going to end up hurting you." I told her I was a grown man and I could handle myself, so she doesn't need to worry about that. But I had the sense that I wasn't the one she was really protecting, and the times we have spent together since then have only confirmed that. But since we had that conversation, the level of trust and honesty between us has really increased, and we have pathways for communication that wouldn't have existed had we not been so straight with one another at the beginning. I know that at the end of this we'll at least end up good friends, if not more.
so I’m on my personal crusade to be as boring and politically correct as possible. That probably just means I will say “fuck” more.
Also, I like your name if it is referencing two very awesome bands, which I am guessing it is!
I took three years of psychology and loved it.
Aphex Twin and Coil. Going to see Thievery Corporation soon!
C'mon Clarissa...I deliberately said "re-tah-ded" so I'd be less offensive. I don't mean to insult the mentally challenged by comparing BT to them.
At least I didn't say his text message was gay.
*ducks*
;)
(And no, I don't think the words "gay" or "retarded" equate to "stupid" and Clarissa does have a point that we should be more PC. I'm just friends with her so I'm joking around with her, which may not be so apparant on a blog like this, so don't kill me.)
i agree with what constant dater said. I don't like the way he's pushing and pulling you around.
BT, if you're reading this right now.....go fly a kite!
See, I can be on the same maturity level as you.
Playing with others' emotions is so not cool. Maybe you think asking Dolly to be your gf before an actual date seemed spontaneous and exciting at that point of time, I'm sure subconsciously you knew you were leading her on because you knew your interest will fizzle quickly once the excitement of chasing is over.
Admit it, you doofus.
And Dolly, I wish you would meet someone much better, maybe someone like Peter Parker, who never plays games with MJ.
Ok yeah, I just came home from watching Spidey 3!
And Dolly, I wish you would meet someone much better, maybe someone like Peter Parker, who never plays games with MJ.
The problem with dating Peter Parker is that every bad guy gets to him through his girlfriends.
You'd be better off dating superman. Imagine the sex!
"You'd be better off dating superman. Imagine the sex!"
Actually, if I was a woman, I'd want to date Mr. Fantastic. Imagine the possibilities!
(rant on)
On the subject of being PC, I understand where you are coming from, but at the same time, I do not subscribe to it. I am NOT PC at all, and I think our culture is entirely too PC already. Overly PC people seem to want to control what everyone else does, thinks or says....all in the name of 'not offending someone'. Stuff it. People need thicker skin. Who wants to be a boring white washed humorless culture anyway.
As to the specific word 'retarded', I think anyone with average intelligence can understand what is implied here. I have a cousin who is 'mentally challenged', and I have no problem using the term. I do not equate my cousins disability with jokingly calling BT retarded, nor would I take offense to someone using the term. Eventually, the world will have to lighten up...unless the lawyers get a hold of us first.
(rant off)
:)
coata,
i can see where you are coming from, but the more words we choose to flippantly use because either we know someone who falls into the category or we find PC to be irritating, the higher possibility it is that thse words can gain more power or get back into our lexicon.
it's awesome if your cousin doesn't find offense in people using the word "retard" in a pejorative way, but not everyone feels that way and it should be taken into consideration.
Aww....PC or not PC.....could all of us agree BT is.....a serving of hot dog without the hotdog bun?
Oooh yeah....Mr Fantastic..!!
To everyone commenting here: if we keep on trashing BT like this, Dolly will likely start to feel sympathetic to him (he is the underdog), and this will drive her further into being involved with him.
So just chill out: this is just another adventure on the blog.
He was being sarcastic obviously with that last line.
He's only being honest and that's probably for the best, if he was 100% sure about you he wouldn't have to hesitate this much.
How horrible this is for Dolly atm she already said herself it's best to stop while they still can. He probably could have said it in a nicer way but hey it's a guy..
"I don't want to be selfish, but I enjoy spending time with you. So I guess I will do so and eventually you will get hurt."
if you don't want to be selfish fuck wit then don't be! what a c*nt.
(sorry)
if you don't want to be selfish fuck wit then don't be! what a c*nt.
(sorry)
I'm going to have to ask for a review on this play. Guy's can't be c**ts. They can be ass*oles, jerks, f**kers, etc. However c**t is one level above b**ch when one is very upset with a woman.
False start -- 5 yard penalty -- repeat first down.
"I'm going to have to ask for a review on this play. Guy's can't be c**ts. They can be ass*oles, jerks, f**kers, etc. However c**t is one level above b**ch when one is very upset with a woman."
Actually, it's a fairly common insult here in Australia (and to a lesser extent the UK) that is applied to both women and men.
I couldn't believe the difference in usage between Oz and the US. Hardly ever used in the states.
I think when a guy says "You're going to get hurt", what he means is, you're going to get hurt.
I've been right where Dolly is, crazy about someone who was simply not mature enough to have an adult relationship with me. Someone who had not dealt with his shit and therefore was stuck in the muck. Someone who couldn't possibly be what I deserved.
Dolly deserves more.
...But this is the problem with the guys that Dolly "deserves:" she finds them BORING (along with most other women)....
...But this is the problem with the guys that Dolly "deserves:" she finds them BORING (along with most other women)....
BORING does not have to be synonymous with nice. There are a lot of guys who are extremely fun to be with and very exciting without having to resort to immature BS like the kind of stuff BT writes.
"Sound good?"
That's the kind of rhetorical question that only an insecure asshole who never sent his mom a birthday card would say.
It's amazing to observe as to how many of you just aren't able to grasp the simple implications of his message and read between the lines. Are too quick to label him "retard", "jerk", etc. His message is sad irony which screams "Dolly, I fell for you and even if I wanted to, can't let you go, so we'll take this ride and BOTH gonna get hurt, sound good?" And Dolly understands that...
passenger -
That's what friends are for. A guy hurts my friend, he's an asshole. He loves her and is nice to her, he's a catch. I don't care about him and his reality; I care about Dolly and hers. It's just the way friends are. Maybe I'd be more objective if I were just anonymous random commentator but I'm not.
Auntie Mom--
I completely get what you are saying that friends are there to support us when we are down. But don't you think that our best friends are the ones who are able and willing to take a step back and tell us honestly and objectively what is really going on? Maybe BT really is an asshole...I have no idea. But personally, the people I count as my best friends are the ones who are willing to tell me: "no, actually YOU are the asshole." Since I can't change anyone other than myself, this is usually the most helpful advice one can get.
Since you are closer to the situation than us "anonymous random commenters," I assume that you have a more informed perspective. From what I have read, it does seem like Dolly may have been mistreated in some way by this guy. But I don't see how harping on that and making the guy wrong could, in the long run, really be that helpful to Dolly, because it just reinforces negative paradigms about relationships/men that aren't as powerful as a more positive belief system. This isn't to suggest that you should kick your friend when she's down, just that defaulting into "this guy hurt her; he's a jerk" isn't always as supportive as one would initially think.
Aphexcoil,
Granted, "sound good" is a pretty arrogant thing to say. No argument there. But I would wager that if everyone commenting on this blog were to vote for a guy Dolly "deserves" and set the two of them up on a blind date, she wouldn't be attracted to him. Most people would probably vote for a guy who is likely to be affectionate / show interest in Dolly. But look at the guys she has spent most of her time writing about and the ones that she has fallen / come close to falling for. With one exception (her last boyfriend), all of those guys (based on what Dolly has chosen to tell us) have been the ones who showed the least amount of outward interest in her. This might have something to do with why "85%" of the dates she has with guys she meets online go flat; some guys tend to try a bit harder to make a good first impression when meeting someone off the internet because of the anticipation involved with an initial encounter with a stranger that is not accidental.
The biggest thing I have learned (or had reinforced) about attraction from reading this blog is that some (most?) women have a natural desire to be the pursuer of what they think is just beyond their reach, which can result in a dating life that is a "pain that is almost pleasure" instead of the other way around. There's nothing wrong with that; it just seems to be how we are wired. Many guys undoubtedly do the same thing to themselves. Which only validates the truism that "attraction is not a choice."
The biggest thing I have learned (or had reinforced) about attraction from reading this blog is that some (most?) women have a natural desire to be the pursuer of what they think is just beyond their reach, which can result in a dating life that is a "pain that is almost pleasure" instead of the other way around.
That's a good post. I've observed that the fundamental desire to be with another person is a need centered in our own ambition to understand ourselves. Love is a mirror, and when we enter into a stable relationship, that mirror tells us a lot about who we are as a person.
I don't really date anymore (I know that seems funny). I'm more focused on my job and furthering my education. I was just too disillusioned with love to want to spend any more time chasing after it.
I admire people like Dolly who fight the good fight, though. Love is too beautiful a thing to not pursue in life.
That's what we live for and die for. This is what's worth living for.
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