Wednesday, June 20, 2007

discovery

I made a deal with the universe: if I got the job this new job, I would stop seeing BT.

I tried to be casual girl, spur-of-the-moment girl, no-strings-attached girl, but that's not really me, not as far as relationships go. I knew that ultimately it wasn't good for me. I drank more around BT, my sleep schedule got thrown off, and I spent the beginning of every week dusting off emotional cobwebs, trying not to be attached, trying to distance myself. Even when I went out without him, I had my phone at the ready, waiting for his text messages, not being fully in the moment. Part of me hoped he'd come around and start asking me out on real dates, even while a bigger part of me understood that we would not be compatible in a relationship.

I was concerned that I had the wrong kind of energy around me, a careless and possibly destructive energy that could interfere with these bright new beginnings. It was time to be honest with myself and stop sectioning off my heart, stop forcing myself to stop feeling and reassess my attitude towards intimacy.

Anyway, I got the job, and I knew I had to make good on my end of the deal. This was a couple of weeks ago. I decided to wipe the slate clean: no more online dating, no more crushes on bartenders, no more drunken hook-ups. BT went out of town for a few days, which made letting him go in my head easier. Here I was with this great life as well as this new body and now new job. There wasn't any room to think about dating, to obsess about relationships. Why focus on the one aspect of my life that was lacking when I had so much else going for me?

I made peace with the fact that there were no romantic prospects on the horizon and probably wouldn't be for some time.

Then I went to that club the weekend before last, where J, a friend of a friend, started chatting with me. J and I talked for hours and hours. There was an instant rapport. We had our first date a week ago. We had our second date on Friday, and it was easily the best date of my life. We had our third date on Monday and I'm seeing him again later today. We talk on the phone every day, we exchange countless emails and texts, and have become pretty much inseparable since we met.

J and I have a connection that is so special, so electric, it is downright telepathic. I can't describe it any other way but to call it magic. I feel like I have fairy dust sprinkled over my life.

I've been struggling with what to write about J. Words can't do him justice and I'm still figuring it out what to chronicle and what to keep private, what to keep ours.

As much as I have resisted and fought and raged against the idea, it all comes back to that Buddhist koan: to find something stop looking for it.

I stopped looking, put blinders on even, and one night I glanced up and found the man of my dreams sitting next to me.

Magic.

8 comments:

Glenda said...

Wow.

Lucky girl,

That is so great. Not just about finding the dream guy, because let’s face it…most of are “LOOKING” for that special someone. That is a tremendous blessing…a bonus. What I really think is great is that you were being honest with yourself. Honest about your patterns in and out of relationships. Honest with your motives and destructive actions in relation to your feelings for someone you KNOW is unhealthy for you. Recognizing these things and having the strength to walk away; putting you first.

I can sympathies with the on-again, off-again, unstable sometimes unrequited attraction to someone who you know is not the one for you. It is so hard to turn off those feelings. I would add one thing though…

I don’t believe that your relationship karma changed because you were no longer looking for one. I think it changed because YOU changed. Changed how you viewed yourself, your circumstances and your value. You were ready to receive this blessing.

Congrats.

Damsel Underdressed said...

I have been secretly, quietly, and patiently waiting for you to stop with the bartender fetish already! Just teasing, sort of.

You know what? Keep most of your goings on with J yours. It sounds like it might be something really special. I'm happy for you.

blogging said...

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! i'm so happy you're happy :) xo, bloggingbarbie

Jack Roy said...

Boo! Happy endings and having the right guy = boring blogging! For the sake of your selfish readers, can't you go through six more months of introspective disasters? Come on!

Stretch said...

Love the posts with those Buddhist koans...great stuff! Sounds like you are better able now to just enjoy the ride and not worry as much about where this new direction might be taking you / not give turns in events and circumstance an importance or extra meaning they do not deserve. Way to "be" ;-)

Spenser said...

I love this post. The magic shines right through your words. God, that is so awesome! Congrats.

Spenser

MissCurious said...

I remember not too long ago when you and I discussed the notion of, "to find something stop looking for it."

But then, we still keep our peripheral vision on - and say in the back of our minds, "I'm not looking... so where are you already?"

Hahaha!

I'd have to admit, however, you and I both stopped looking... and you and I both found someone.

Kind of interesting. Don't you think?

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