Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Porn: A Like Story

Over the weekend, BF David and I did something I haven't done with a boyfriend in several years: we looked at porn.

BF David and I came back to my place, a little tipsy, and I jokingly told him he was welcome to look at porn while I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. I even loaded a website of free porn clips for his amusement. What started out as kidding around turned into curious browsing. We took turns showing each other clips from some of our favorite categories and BF David even showed me some "alternative porn" which is pretty much like regular porn except that the "actors" are hipsters with tattoos and the women don't have fake boobs. We got so into looking at various clips that we ended up staying up for hours and were nearly too tired to do the deed ourselves (key word being nearly).

My relationship with porn goes way back to when I was a teenager watching late night cable. I'd wait for something steamy on Skinemax, maybe something starring Shannon Whirry (anybody remember her?) or an episode of Red Shoe Diaries. Sometimes the programming gods were against me and the channels would yield nothing better than a Dolph Lundgren explosion-fest. Other times, my patience would be rewarded and I'd see a pouty, sleepy-eyed gal giving a come hither smile to a square-jawed, barrel-chested Ken doll of a man. The soft-focus, slow motion grinding that ensued was a bit dull (who the hell has sex at such a snail pace?) but was erotic in its own way. Softcore didn't get any softer than this. This was the easy listening of porn.

Years later, my parents got a cable descrambler. Now I was able to access both the Spice and Playboy channels. The latter was rarely interesting, favoring clips of posing Barbie girls (sometimes in live call-in shows where they--lord help us all--actually spoke) with few movies involving sex... with men. Spice Channel was better in that it consistently showed fucking. Even then, however, the formula got a bit dull. Ugly greasy guy meets plasticy girl with enough make up to make RuPaul jealous, bad dialogue ensues until we are put out of our misery by the removal of clothing. She goes down on him, he goes down on her, they have sex (usually he takes her from behind), he grunts, she moans in a way that belies her poor acting skills even more than the stilted dialogue preceding the action. If the film is of particularly poor quality, the moaning will be poorly dubbed and the humping scenes looped. Also, instead of the really slow fucking of softcore, there is really fast, jackhammer fucking (great, now I sound like the Goldilocks of pornography). Again, it does the job but is ultimately a yawn.

The best porn I have seen is the kind featuring real-looking people who look and sound like they are truly enjoying themselves. Years ago, Mom went out of town and I found her porn stash, including some gems from the 70's and 80's featuring actual pubic hair on women (*gasp*) and Ron Jeremy. Like most people with working retinas, I don't exactly consider Mr. Jeremy to be particularly good-looking. I'll go one step further to say that there's something rather, well, icky about Ron Jeremy. But I can see why he became a porn star, other than being well-hung. The guy is at ease in front of the camera, comfortable in his skin, funny, enthusiastic, and puts the women he's about to have sex with at ease. I mean, nothing short of chloroform would ever make me be able to do it with that guy, and I don't find his sex scenes particularly arousing, but I'll give credit where credit's due.

Personally, I have never owned porn. I like variety and brevity when it comes to erotica (I have never watched an entire porn from start to finish, but then who has?) as well as variety, so I much prefer the odds and ends available on the internet. There are tons of free clips available if you know where to look, and it's a great way to see some of the really wacky stuff out there. It's also a useful way to discover if you may have a particular fetish--or definitely do not. For example, I know without a doubt that balloon, midget, and granny porn do absolutely nothing for me. I mean, I pretty much knew that before, but now I conclusively, really know. I also discovered that I much prefer to participate in bondage and discipline than watch it.

In general, I view pornography much in the same way as I view vibrators: a quick and easy way to get off, but ultimately synthetic and not always very satisfying. It also makes me a bit concerned that we rely on other peoples' visual interpretations of sexual fantasy instead of doing the work ourselves. That's why I sometimes prefer to read erotica than view it: I can use my imagination to conjure at least some of the imagery. I try to retain my own ideas about what I want sex to look, sound, and (most importantly) feel like.

I know there's quality porn out there. I'm curious to see some of Candida Royale's work (made for and by a woman) and I like the trend of alternative porn, though it's going to take more than pasty skin and a few piercings to turn me on. In a way, I'm glad I haven't seen any pornography that I really, really love, because this way it can be something I keep as a minimal part of my sex life.

(This is where I'd tell you how much better the real thing is, anyway, but you already know that.)

16 comments:

sophie n said...

hey dolly...

how are you?

omg...don't bother with candida royale...i bought one (my very first one) and it was so slow! talk about snail sex~! i found myself fast forwarding through all the boring dialogue just to get to the good stuff, and i just laughed...although, i do have to say, they do concentrate on women's arousal more than the mans...but with their videos, its a whole story line, so things would get kinda good, and then it would cut scene and segue into something else that wasn't very arousing...and i didn't find the actors to be very attractive...but nonetheless, its only one video out of many in their collection...let me know if you wanna check it out...i was actually gonna throw it, but i'd be more than happy to send it your way!

B. said...

If you want a website that has lots of diverisity and is all free porn, check out empornium.us Its a bit torrent site I found, that has almost everything on it (everything legal anyways), all free, from full length movies to homemade stuff (the stuff I like to download).

Anyways, been reading your blog for a few months now, and just finished the book "The Game", very interesting read. Keep up the good work!

B.

Chris said...

I have never enjoyed porn. I can't get into it. If I watch it and it does turn me on, I get irritated watching people have sex when I want to and am not. I am much more content to let my imagination run while I masterbate. However, my fuck buddy decided we should have sex to porn to eliminate my issue with it (http://mysexualmisadventures.blogspot.com/2006/07/guy-2-july-23rd-2006-dice-and-sex-to.html). However, he did a good job, and I barely saw the porn. I now own that porn that collects dust on a shelf.

Dolly said...

Sophie,
How generous of you! From the sounds of that Candida Royale video, I'd be as bored of it as you were. I'm not into lots of dialogue and story when it comes to porn, I like it to get right to the point. Isn't it so weird how erotic material aimed at women is overly flowery while the stuff for men is overly mechanical? I hope somebody comes up with a happy medium some day.

B,
Hey, thanks for the link! I've never actually downloaded clips to my computer (I prefer watching on RealPlayer), but this sounds like it's worth checking out.

Chris,
I wonder if the reason why people don't like porn is because there is so much bad porn out there. Forget having real emotion behind the action, in lots of cases there is barely a hint of enthusiasm! In the same way it sucks that there are so few good horror movies out there, I wish people would make higher quality sex movies, because it's fun to watch something and be scared and it's also fun to watch something and be aroused.

clarissa said...

i am kind of freaked out by candida royale, only because she took her first name from the microorganism that causes yeast infections. HOTT!!

i saw a jenna jameson movie once, which i kind of liked, she is, if nothing else, very charismatic...though in general i've always liked porn more in theory than in concept

Anonymous said...

it's not often that a woman gives a sincere compliment to 'the hedgehog'. wow. i'm still flabbergasted. ;p

oh, and as to your previous comment...sometimes "bad porn" is the BEST porn to watch.....for entertainment value.

Chris said...

I have to agree with anon. I have seen horrible gay porn that is just fucking hilarious. Entertaining if nothing else.

coasta said...

oh, that last anon was me....

Dolly said...

Clarissa,
I think I'm going to start directing porn under the name Chlamydia Devereaux. Yeah, her name has baffled me a bit. I haven't seen much of Jenna's work, but I'd like to, especially after reading How to Make Love Like a Porn Star (fun, though a bit too long).

Chris and Coasta,
I have seen some clips of gay porn that have been hilarious. There's this one series of clips where guys play sports naked and my favorite was naked basketball, because it was just ludicrous.

NotCarrie said...

I just don't see how I could ever watch Ron Jeremy without vomiting.

Meg said...

I'm sending you Candida Royalle's book.

ALSO.... does anyone remember BLISS on oxygen? It was on after Dr. Sue Johansen and it was half-hour, Canadian, somewhat of a storyline sometimes lesbian soft porn? I do.....

Dolly said...

NotCarrie,
I think it just goes to show how much porn is aimed at men, because Ron is meant to be more of an everyman, so when guys watch him they can imagine that they might be able to get some action like that, regardless of what they look like.

Meg,
Thank you! It seems like my collection of books about sex and the sex industry is ever-expanding (which is not a bad thing!).

K said...

Yeah something about Ron Jeremy always doesn't do it for me. Ick!

Jack Roy said...

I used to watch the Spice channel, but it really didn't help my cooking.

Ba-dum-bum.

Shay said...

I've always had a similar problem, the parts that I like best about sex go by too quickly in porn and the parts of the porn that I like least last too long!

For a while I thought I was the only one who didn't find oral sex scenes in porn particularly arousing, that's the lovely thing about the blog world, eh?

Dolly said...

K,
Would that something happen to be his troll-like appearance?

Shay,
You're not the only one. Watching a woman give a guy head does absolutely nothing for me as does watching a man go down on a guy (two things I would rather experience than watch reinactments of).