Tuesday, May 09, 2006

this is what happy looks like

Before I left for Europe, things with BF David were starting to get pretty intense. It was clear we both liked each other a lot; our combined boyfriend/girlfriend noises were off the charts. We kept discussing the picnic we would have the day after I got back, museums we would go to, places outside New York we would visit together, and so on. I made it clear that I was through with casual physical encounters and was in more of a relationship mindset. BF David made it clear that he was available, emotionally and otherwise.
We were primed for The Talk. However, we didn't have it prior to my leaving. I wanted to, but I also didn't want to rush things. We were seeing each other for a week and-a-half before I was to go abroad for the same length of time. Deciding to be exclusive under those circumstances seemed potentially unwise, esepecially since I had some serious wanderlust to work through. I felt it was important to take this time apart and take a step back. Sometimes following this kind of momentum can be overwhelming and lead to burnout. As I was saying to a friend, I've never had a relationship fail because of moving too slowly. Usually, it's the other way around.

I thought going away would be like pressing Pause. That wasn't the case.

Despite being in a European wonderland, I thought about BF David constantly. I saw some of the most romantic scenery of my life and would have loved for him to be there to share it with me. Despite the thousands of miles, our courtship trickled on, through a postcard here, a voicemail there, and those vital daily text messages. Sometimes, it was almost unbearable to be apart from him. At the same time, I was lucky to be on such a fantastic journey and didn't want to take any of it for granted. People have a maddening way on focusing on what is lacking and I wanted to fully experience what was before me. Which I did.

A day or two before I returned, we exchanged messages saying how neither of us could wait the extra day to each other. After an excruciating 8-hour flight (this is where the Ambien comes in, which I'll get to next time), the second the wheels touched the tarmac, I flipped open my phone and sent BF David a message asking if he wanted to come over later that night. He replied saying he'd love to.

My jet lag was awful, but the thought of seeing him kept me awake and relatively alert. I was so nervous and excited. What if it wasn't the same seeing him again? Chemistry can be tricky. What if my pheromones mutated in the different time zones and European air? What if things were, all of a sudden, inexplicably awkward?

Clearly, my worries were unfounded. BF David came over with a bouquet of irises (he remembered, from reading this blog, that they were my favorite) and a basket full of picnic goodies for the next day. I was skittish and disoriented and nervous, but the second I saw him I knew everything would be okay.

We spent the rest of the weekend together, barely aware that there was a rest of the world beyond my apartment. We did have a brief picnic in the park, late Sunday afternoon, but it became windy and I was hit with another wave of jet lag, so we returned to my place. It was like having a mini-vacation after my vacation, and I couldn't tell you which one I enjoyed more, both were that incredible.

Now what?

Now the minor Is-Something-This-Amazing-Really-Happening-To-Me anxiety sets in. I mentioned it to BF David on the phone last night and he said he's experienced it too. But then he figures,

"It's my turn."

Damn right.

In the last four years I have had two brief, ill-fated relationships and a slew of go-nowhere dates and flings. Not to mention months and months of no-hope-in-sight solitude. Eventually, I had enough and finally resigned myself to spending the rest of my 20's (if not beyond) alone. A couple of weeks later, Polly took me to a party and I met Drama David. Fate, luck, whatever you want to call it decided to shine down on me. I'm not going to bother myself with the When and If it will run out. I'm going to enjoy it. The intoxication, the daydreams, the smiling at everything, the bloodrush at the thought of seeing him, touching him, tasting him, hearing his voice, the melting feeling I get whenever I think of him, I'll take it all.

It's so fucking awesome, I can't even tell you.

17 comments:

Vespertine said...

Congratulations Polly! I`m so happy to read you are so happy. As you know, I hit the same misery plateau over last winter...and the same slew of pointless encounters...when suddenly I was confronted with a wonderful man who I`ve been dating for 3 months. As opposed to previous relationships, I`ve made a concerted effort to ban the head-pixie and just enjoy the wonders of mutual entrancement. I know it`s easy to fall prey to insecurities, and the ghosts of bad-men past, but do your best to stay focused on the here and now. Drama David sounds wonderful.

Yay for happiness!!

pookalu said...

woo hoo woo hoo! you deserve this, and i'm with vespertine. enjoy this time!

clearly the ambien didn't put a damper on your weekend...

NotCarrie said...

A vacation after a vacation with a great guy? mmmhmmM!

Stimulant said...

Yay for happiness indeed! It's so amazing to see someone get so happy and excited when they meet someone they actually connect with. And good for you for banishing the "i've lived in NY too long to believe that this shit happens" cynical crap. It does happen. In fact it just did. To you.

coasta said...

I've never had 'The Talk'....the relationship always just kind of develops.

What happens in the The Talk?

coasta said...

BTW, Enjoy. :)

jo said...

i'm really happy for you. seems like everyone is getting happily attached these days... love must be in the air...

Dolly said...

Vespertine,
Yay for happiness indeed. It's amazing to see how quickly and wonderfully your life can be transformed, just when you get used to the sameness of things.

Pookalu,
Hahaha, no, the Ambien just put a damper on my flight.

NotCarrie,
Yeah, if I would have known, I could have saved so much money on airfare!

Stimulant,
It can be very tempting to fall into the NYC cynicism trap. This can be a very difficult city to cultivate any sort of emotional intimacy. It's wonderful to know my optimism was warranted.

Coasta,
It was nothing major. I said I couldn't do physical intimacy without monogamy, he said monogamy never sounded so good and then there was a lot of goofy smiling.

Jo,
Thank you. And yes, it's in the air. Could be the warmer weather. Or who knows, maybe somebody spiked our water supply.

Auntie Mom said...

Yay for you! Can I have some of your juju? :)

BTW, love the books. Thanks again.

Krissi said...

Nicely done, way to capture the first stages of romance!

Pretty Polly said...

I'm so happy for you! And I'm happy we're happy together!!!

:)

CoatMan said...

You and Drama David:

http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/lyrics/happytogether.htm

"...our combined boyfriend/girlfriend noises were off the charts."

Charts? Charts of boyfriend/girlfriend noises would be very useful, as would charts of suitability and attraction. Do you have copies of these charts that I could, perhaps, borrow? Or do you think that my local library might have them? Perhaps you could e-mail them to me in a PDF file?

But serioulsy, I'm very glad that you're deleriously happy. Very best wishes for you two. If it all works out, you'll have to go on holiday more often so that you have more to write about in your 'blog ;-)

Stretch said...

Sounds like you have been "waiting to exhale" for some time...good news.

Dolly said...

Krissi,
Thank you. I feel blessed to be in a position where I can write about all this.

Polly,
We are going to need to start carrying around insulin shots for all the fine citizens of NYC.

Coatman,
You crack me up. I bet it won't belong before some enterprising person does construct a chart of bf/gf noises!

Stretch,
Yeah, I didn't realize just how long it had been. Good news indeed.

the deal said...

glad things are working out...now if only someone I know who has been making her share of GF noises could get her shit together and admit it, I would be much happier.
One of us should be happy, though. So good for you.

BlissGirl said...

Best of luck to you with your Drama (BF) David. I have been silently following your blog for about three months and re-living the single life through your entries.

Blissgirl

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