this is what happy looks like

Before I left for Europe, things with BF David were starting to get pretty intense. It was clear we both liked each other a lot; our combined boyfriend/girlfriend noises were off the charts. We kept discussing the picnic we would have the day after I got back, museums we would go to, places outside New York we would visit together, and so on. I made it clear that I was through with casual physical encounters and was in more of a relationship mindset. BF David made it clear that he was available, emotionally and otherwise.
We were primed for The Talk. However, we didn't have it prior to my leaving. I wanted to, but I also didn't want to rush things. We were seeing each other for a week and-a-half before I was to go abroad for the same length of time. Deciding to be exclusive under those circumstances seemed potentially unwise, esepecially since I had some serious wanderlust to work through. I felt it was important to take this time apart and take a step back. Sometimes following this kind of momentum can be overwhelming and lead to burnout. As I was saying to a friend, I've never had a relationship fail because of moving too slowly. Usually, it's the other way around.

I thought going away would be like pressing Pause. That wasn't the case.

Despite being in a European wonderland, I thought about BF David constantly. I saw some of the most romantic scenery of my life and would have loved for him to be there to share it with me. Despite the thousands of miles, our courtship trickled on, through a postcard here, a voicemail there, and those vital daily text messages. Sometimes, it was almost unbearable to be apart from him. At the same time, I was lucky to be on such a fantastic journey and didn't want to take any of it for granted. People have a maddening way on focusing on what is lacking and I wanted to fully experience what was before me. Which I did.

A day or two before I returned, we exchanged messages saying how neither of us could wait the extra day to each other. After an excruciating 8-hour flight (this is where the Ambien comes in, which I'll get to next time), the second the wheels touched the tarmac, I flipped open my phone and sent BF David a message asking if he wanted to come over later that night. He replied saying he'd love to.

My jet lag was awful, but the thought of seeing him kept me awake and relatively alert. I was so nervous and excited. What if it wasn't the same seeing him again? Chemistry can be tricky. What if my pheromones mutated in the different time zones and European air? What if things were, all of a sudden, inexplicably awkward?

Clearly, my worries were unfounded. BF David came over with a bouquet of irises (he remembered, from reading this blog, that they were my favorite) and a basket full of picnic goodies for the next day. I was skittish and disoriented and nervous, but the second I saw him I knew everything would be okay.

We spent the rest of the weekend together, barely aware that there was a rest of the world beyond my apartment. We did have a brief picnic in the park, late Sunday afternoon, but it became windy and I was hit with another wave of jet lag, so we returned to my place. It was like having a mini-vacation after my vacation, and I couldn't tell you which one I enjoyed more, both were that incredible.

Now what?

Now the minor Is-Something-This-Amazing-Really-Happening-To-Me anxiety sets in. I mentioned it to BF David on the phone last night and he said he's experienced it too. But then he figures,

"It's my turn."

Damn right.

In the last four years I have had two brief, ill-fated relationships and a slew of go-nowhere dates and flings. Not to mention months and months of no-hope-in-sight solitude. Eventually, I had enough and finally resigned myself to spending the rest of my 20's (if not beyond) alone. A couple of weeks later, Polly took me to a party and I met Drama David. Fate, luck, whatever you want to call it decided to shine down on me. I'm not going to bother myself with the When and If it will run out. I'm going to enjoy it. The intoxication, the daydreams, the smiling at everything, the bloodrush at the thought of seeing him, touching him, tasting him, hearing his voice, the melting feeling I get whenever I think of him, I'll take it all.

It's so fucking awesome, I can't even tell you.