Friday, August 11, 2006

Sean Pennish

I have only ever had a couple of booty calls in my life. It's been either boyfriends, one night stands, or flings that came out of an unspoken acknowledgment of a surplus of chemistry but lack of relationship material. Then there was one Sean Pennish (three guesses as to which celebrity he resembled).

Sean and I met via the online personals, a breeding ground for ambivalence, promiscuity, and ambivalent promiscuity. What attracted me to him initially was his reformed bad boy persona. This guy toured with a band years ago, had his share of drinking and drugging (and, I imagine, groupies), but was now clean. The only visible remnant of his wild days were the tattoos visible in one of his profile photos in which he was wearing a wife beater.

[This is where I acknowledge both the fact that tattoos do not always belong on "wild" or "bad" people and that "wife beater" might be an incidiery term, but it stays because "undershirt" has a dorky ring to it.]

In the beginning, Sean Pennish was actually all gentlemanly and proper. He paid for dinner and took me to the movies and even uttered the words, "I'm trying to court you." The first two dates contained nothing more than light making out and hand holding. I liked the idea of this rocker-turned-computer-administrator being on his best behavior, even acting a little nervous around me.

Then the third date happened. I made the mistake of agreeing to come over to Sean's place under the pretext of watching a movie. Once upon a time I could actually go over to a man's house where "watching a movie" didn't involve getting naked shortly thereafter. Maybe it was Sean's innuendo and flirtatiousness that did it, or the promise of getting a good look at those tattoos. Maybe his streak of naughtiness and former hedonism made me want to reply in kind. Either way, I made the mistake that oh so many women make. I slept with him and then got emotionally attached before terms for the relationship (or lack thereof) had been established.

Any female who claims she can have sex with a man without getting the least bit attached is either on the rebound, lying, deeply emotionally fucked up, has a penis, or is a robot. I say this as a non-robotic, non-penis-owning female who has been able to have casual sex, but not often, and usually when my emotional core was about as impenetrable as Fort Knox. It can happen, but I believe that more often than not, a bond is created, thanks to our bodies' chemistry. Sadly, it is usually one-sided; even though males and females both release oxytocin during orgasm, it's the fair sex that tends to get attached.

Back to Sean Pennish. While I initially hoped he might be my boyfriend, it wasn't long before I realized how very little we had in common, how few our sources of conversation were, how mismatched we were intellectually, and how he was interested in having sex with me and nothing more. I could take it or leave it. I decided to take it, from time to time. Every few months I would unblock him from instant messenger, get a surprised greeting from him, and take a late night taxi or subway over to his place.

I liked the idea of having sex with him more than the deed itself. I mean, all Sean Pennish needed to complete the bad boy stereotype was a leather jacket and motorcycle. There was something gratifying about doing it with someone I'd have misgivings about bringing home to Mom, even if the sex was mediocre. He wasn't into much foreplay, was rarely able to get me off and wasn't a fan of cuddling (which nowadays is pretty much a dealbreaker). People have asked why I bothered sleeping with him if it was so unsatisfying. Truth is, it was more about maintenance, "cleaning the pipes" as they say, feeling like a normal person after an extended amount of abstinence. Sean Pennish broke a few celibacy streaks for me, one nearly half a year long. The last time I saw him was a little over a year ago, less than 24 hours after being dumped. I spent the afternoon and evening getting sloppy drunk and took a cab over, still buzzed when I got to his place. Not long after that I realized just how unsatisfying the encounters were. This booty needed to do some branching out.

Why this reminiscence all of a sudden? The other day, on my way to work, I saw Sean Pennish on the subway. I nearly didn't recognize him in glasses, a prim button-down shirt and sensible navy trousers. He was reading a book and looked downright nerdy. The other passengers in the car would never suspect that beneath the corporate exterior was a toned body covered in ink with a sex/drug/rock 'n' roll-fueled past. Looking down at my own business attire, I wondered if I looked equally chastened. Who knows, maybe every suit and pair of sensible shoes hides tales of hedonism and unrestraint.

Sean Pennish got off at the next stop. I sighed in relief, grateful that he didn't see me and that I no longer feel the urge to take cabs to outer boroughs, tipsy and emotionally cold, for a cheap hookup.

15 comments:

Auntie Mom said...

Any female who claims she can have sex with a man without getting the least bit attached is either on the rebound, lying, deeply emotionally fucked up, has a penis, or is a robot.

Oh, you probably knew I'd up and disagree with that! I'm representin' yo. I've had plenty of sex with men whose last names I never caught and was never emotionally attached, and I'm not on the rebound, lying, etc.

Although maybe there's a ratio. I'd say maybe 1 out of 5 I'd get attached to. Someone should do a study.

pookalu said...

do i have much to say about

-booty calls
-running into "ex's" on trains
-emotional availability.

but i won't. too exhaustive. anyway, you know, dolly. you know.

how funny!

Anonymous said...

I used to think I was one of those women who could have numerous, nameless hookups...chew them up, spit them out and move on to the next conquest. I actually convinced myself my choices were empowering. It took a while to figure it out, but I was so totally lying to myself.

Sex IS emotional for women. My reason for why it's emotional (and this is my theory at least) is that sex is internal for us. We welcome a man into our bodies and that is why we develop these attachments.

Now that I'm older I'm much more reserved about the men I choose to sleep with and I think I'm all the better for it. Less destructive to myself...and THAT'S empowering.

Anonymous said...

"Celibacy streaks", "one nearly half a year long" - !!! You are a complete amateur. A year is nothing, even a few years isn't difficult. The most interesting thing is that one's brain begins to function rationally. So much so there seems increasingly little point to resume sexual relations.

Jennifer said...

Sadly, sometimes "cleaning the pipes" is more psychological than physical, meaning that even though you didn't get off, you feel better for having broken the seal and reset the "No sex since X" clock.

Anyway, this part hit home: ". . . the online personals, a breeding ground for ambivalence, promiscuity, and ambivalent promiscuity." So, so true. So true in fact that in self-interest, I've decided to take down my profile and brave it in the real world come 8/31. Too many rebounders and flakes.

coasta said...

it's the whole sex and the city thing again. meaningless, promiscuous sex for young 'powerful' women just ain't the solution. for most women it just ain't genetically mandated.

Anonymous said...

I think I'd feel like a real slut if I had sex with men who's names I couldn't remember, and I think most emotionally well adjusted women would say something similar! I feel quite lucky to have had great sex with all the guys I've slept with, made all the better by the fact that with each and every one there was some sort of emotional attachment at the time. A simultaneous orgasm with someone you are crazy about and who is crazy about you can be F@#cking fantastic- try it auntie mom!!

Jennifer said...

Wow, let's give anonymous 9:10 a cookie. /sarcasm

Dolly said...

Stranger,
I think Constant Dater's first comment really (pardon the pun) nails it. Sometimes it's a matter of resetting the clock. And yes, absolutely, being with Sean Pennish was a nice ego boost.

Auntie,
I would say you are one of the exceptions and thought of you when I was writing that statement. There are always going to be those who do not fit generalities. For the most part, though, from everything I have seen and personally experienced, women can't have casual sex as easily as they think. Sooner or later, the feelings tend to catch up or they want something more.

Pooka,
Yeah, I know you can't relate. At all.

Betty,
I've been thinking more and more about what you said with regards to the physical act of sex and how it's more personal for women because we have a man inside of, which is very intimate and intense. Moreso than what a man goes through physically, I think.

Dolly said...

Anonymous 1:48,
If not desiring sex equals thinking "rationally" then I hope I never attain that kind of thinking. Having physical desires is normal and healthy and when in a fulfilling relationship, having sex is far from pointless. May I forever be a celibacy amateur.

Constant Dater,
I can't agree with you more. And good for you for taking a break with online dating. It has its uses, but gets tiring after a while.

Anonymous 9:10,
Woah, somebody took her judgmental vitamins today! There's nothing wrong with a fling or one night stand from time to time. And yes, sex is usually better with someone you love. Not exactly a newsflash there. No need to be so condescending, either.

Sarah said...

Every time I click to read the comments on your site, I get a PAGE SIZED pop up from something called Bravenet. Stop it, Bravenet!

Anonymous said...

I am entitled to my opinion, right Dolly? I'm sorry about the "judgemental vitamins", but I'ts my personal opinion that it is not okay to preach that one night stands with someone who's name you don't even know is okay from time to time. We are living in the world of AIDS as you are well aware, as well as a myriad of other sexualy transmitted diseases. This kind of activity not only perpetuates and spreads disease, but it also says something about the real moral decay of society on so many levels. Call me a prude, I guess (and no, I'm not a Christian conservative).

Auntie Mom said...

Dear anonymous,

Could you please do me one favor? Pray for my depraved soul. I hope I can be redeemed in the eyes of the Lord for my amoral behavior. Obviously He's forgotten to smite me by giving me sexually transmitted diseases, knocking me up, making me irresponsible and hurting all in my path. Cause frankly, all I remember getting out of it was some good clean fun at no one else's expense, least of all yours.

There are a lot more evils in this world than consensual sex, and if you haven't experienced any of them, start counting your blessings.

Anonymous said...

Secondary sight,
I went to your blog, hoping to read some interesting and enlightening thoughts on sexuality and ethics: unfortunately, there aren't any yet. Please write something, I'm interested.
I'm sure Dolly doesn't appreciate that I have monopolized this space to discuss my opinions, so this will be my last post.
I never thought that I would have to defend my stance that random, casual sex with strangers is not a good idea, but here goes. I mentioned AIDS as one possible VD which could be contracted, but there are many others to be concerned with, even through "safe sex" as you mention: herpes is an infection which can be contracted through skin touching skin alone, even around a condom, and even when the infected person is not having an outbreak. Genital warts is another such infection. And what makes you presume that all casual sex hookups involve condoms and safe sex? I think you are naive to believe that everyone that practices casual sex with strangers always uses condoms. I could go on and on about VD and the fact that condoms aren't 100% foolproof, but I have limited space here. As far as my other reason goes: it's my personal opinion (take it or leave it) that sex is something beautiful to be shared with someone special and important to you. Especially for a woman, it's a very personal and intimate act as the partner is inside of your body. It seems to me that there is nothing sacred in our culture anymore- anything is said, anything is done, and it's okay as long as you aren't "hurting" anyone else. So this leads me to an even bigger question of morality: is everything okay as long as you think it only affects you? Is it okay to blow someone on a dirty toilet in a public restroom, because it isn't hurting anyone else? Is it okay to urinate or defacate in an alleyway, as long as it isn't hurting anyone else? Is it okay to have sex in a park on a blanket, while a family with two little children walk past with their picnic basket? I don't know what is okay or isn't to you- maybe those things are okay to most. And another thing- how do you know that it isn't hurtful to you? You are a man, so maybe sexual encounters aren't tied into your self esteem like they are for alot of women. As a woman, every time you have sex with another nameless man, you cheapen yourself as well as the act. It isn't special anymore, it isn't sacred. It's something you do to pass the time and make yourself feel temporarily desireable, until you realize that there is nothing special about you- you were just another notch on the old bedpost. That is what I'm talking about when I say it's morally wrong: you keep giving it away for free, eventually it's nothing special and it's cheap. Okay- rant over.

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