Friday, October 13, 2006

Dolly goes down.


Bad news at work, end of the day, just enough to send me over. Five days of poor sleep, rattled nerves, and percolating depression, and this latest disappointment is one I cannot handle with grace.

I'm supposed to meet Pooka in the evening, but I have to cancel. The last call I make before leaving the office.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"No." I can't really talk. I'm about to unravel (such a melodramatic way of putting it, but that's what it's like, parts of me coming loose and slipping away).

Outside, I walk just far enough away, and sob into the metal façade of a building. I try to hide from passersby, crying into the phone, telling Mom I need to come home; I need to call in sick tomorrow. I call my father and he tells me to calm down in a severe tone of voice, which makes me cry harder, which makes him more hostile.

"You can't miss work tomorrow. You're being unprofessional," he says.

"You don't want to help me, don't help me," I hang up on him.

I am sick, I wanted to explain. This is worse than sick.

I walk to the subway station, hating all the people everywhere. You can't find an empty corner in Manhattan. Maudlin song lyrics cross my brain like ticker tape. They all contain the word "never."

On the train I'm lucky enough to get a seat during rush hour. Small mercies. I put my head back, close my eyes, try not to think, but I can't. I cry slow tears, through shut eyes, try to control them, but they keep coming. I don't have the energy to be embarrassed, if anyone even notices.

I want to feel some kind of minor accomplishment, so I pick up my dry cleaning on the way home, pack a small suitcase, and take out the trash. I call a car service and a few minutes later I'm being driven to my mother's place. More tears. I can stop them, but only for a few minutes. My head is pounding.

"I'm not well," I tell Mom.

She leaves work early. Makes me dinner. Opens a bottle of wine. Sits with me until I mellow out some. Reminds me that's how things usually go for me: all the bad things, all at once, then something better appears and it all turns around. When she says it, I believe her.

I appreciate everyone's concern. One of the things I hate about depression is its self-indulgent nature. Being this low doesn't leave room for anything or anyone else. I hate it, but there's nothing I can do. I tried to keep it at bay, but I couldn't. Sometimes it needs to run its course.
I'm not okay, but I'm somewhere safe.


Rosie said...

Oh Dolly... thank god we have our families. I'm feeling your pain. Take care of yourself.

(I've been reading for a while and I don't think I've ever commented, but I'm very fond of you.)

It's that time of year as well, which doesn't help.

love and kisses,

Vespertine said...

I`ve been there, really. The only thing that seemed to help me think it through was to remember that nothing is static-- life will change, and evolve, and this will be the last time you experience this particular crisis. That isn`t to say that other crises won`t occur, but at least this one is guaranteed to end and pass.

I also find that trying to apply the image of the Phoenix to these times has been healing for me.

Unsolicited cheesy imagery and advice aside, my thoughts are with you-- feel better.


pookalu said...

big hug.

Anonymous said...

I can TOTALLY relate.
I've had two subway meltdowns and during one of them, a little chinese woman tried to get me to teach her English to cheer me up. It was so cute that it actually kind of worked!

Depression sucks big time.

Red Stapler said...


StrangerInTheseParts said...

Please look at your feet.

You will land on them eventually.

Till then, sound like you need to just be a puddle for a little bit.

Much support.

LaMa said...

I read your Blog for some time now but so far commented little.

I know what you are going through. Depression is hell (been there...and experienced that you can also climb out of it again). It however is good to hear you have your mother's support. Support of family and friends is só important in these things...

I won't give advise here about what to do: guess you know that yourselve. Just want to say: "Don't give up".

commonpeople said...

I really hope it's nothing serious -- though it does sound bad. I'm thankful your mom is there for you. Take care, babe.

sandra said...

Take care of yourself, Dolly. I've only commented once before, but know that a person on the other side of the country is worried for you. Thank goodness for mothers and how they know exactly what to say and do.

MrManicDepressive said...

It must be something in the air lately. I'm down, WAY DOWN lately. Just tired of everything and anything. I have so much, yet, I'm so unhappy and depressed.

Hang in there, as trite as that sounds. I'll be thinking of you.

Mango said...

Hey Ms. D,

If you ever need a break and want to get away, come to San Francisco. We can visit the SFMOMA, walk by the waterfront, visit the Mission District, walk around Union Square and eat at so many great little restaurtants. If you just want to sit and stare out into the Pacific Ocean we can do that as well.

I think it's time to clear your head.

- Dennis

NotCarrie said...

I am so glad your mom is near to visit.

We're all here for you somehow.

Anonymous said...

Hi Dolly,

I'm so sorry that something is wrong. Just remember your friends are here for you. I'm glad your mom is close by but if you need anything let me know!

Take care,

Anonymous said...

Losing a boyfriend? Change of seasons? Probably a bit of both. Hang in there Dolly. Sounds like you have a lot of people that care about you.

Stretch said...

What you are going through seems completely normal, given your recent breakup and other troubles. But what impresses me is how well you can write in even these difficult times...that self-knowledge, honesty, and clarity of thought will pull you through this. It sounds like you are doing all the right things by letting it all out now (and exercising).

Dolly said...

Thank you thank you thank you.