Thursday, October 12, 2006

precipice

I want to write about the good things. I started a post about Fuchsia's wedding, which was beyond lovely and great fun and exactly how I would want my own wedding to be (if I wasn't still enchanted by the idea of eloping). I'd like to write a post about how Roommate Rachel and I have become fast friends and true sources of comfort and support for each other. Or even something fluffy, like my plans for Halloween this year.

I'd like to sit down and write something long and thoughtful, or even put in some work on the last 15 pages of my sample chapter. I have been trying, but it's no good. I can't do any of the above because I am at the very edge of falling into a very dark, very deep depression, and it has been taking all my energy just to get myself to work every day and maintain minor social contact with a couple of friends.

What's wrong?

I'm waiting on an important decision at work, which will affect my career and is keeping me on tenterhooks. I have a relative that is gravely ill and might possibly die soon. I have been having a lot of trouble getting to sleep, and what sleep I have been getting has been restless and shallow, so I've been glazed over and exhausted during the day. I've been fighting off anxiety attacks, little ones and big ones, and keeping them mostly at bay, for a week now.

I'm exhausted.

I really don't want any advice on how to make myself feel better. I'm doing everything I can. I'm exercising. I'm doing nice things for others. I'm surrounding myself with good people. I'm pursuing every source of minor comfort I can, whether it's losing myself in a book or movie or website or television show or throwing myself into my work. I'm really, really trying to hold it together. I'll keep trying.

That's about all I can write at the moment.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

People you've never met care about you and are concerned.


Silver

pookalu said...

i have a piece of unsolicited advice.

Scrabble.

Anonymous said...

Hi Dolly,

It sounds to me like you are going through the inevitable bumps in the road that occur in everybody's life at one point or another. Trials and tribulations happen to each and every one of us, and it sounds like the people upstairs have decided that it is now Dolly's turn! I know that you don't need anyone preaching to you right now- you know what's going on. All I can say is that from time to time we all have to make an effort to step away from our personal situations a bit and see the big picture- all in all, your life is really pretty great! I really feel for you over the sick family member- that's not something that you can make better. Just try to be strong and supportive for them, and know that if the worst does happen, you got to spend some quality time with them and that they aren't suffering anymore.
These feelings won't last, it will get better soon! Good luck with the job and new book, I can't wait to get my copy!

CoatMan said...

Ohh, you poor thing! How awful. I very much hope that you feel better soon, that the decision in work goes in your favour and that your relative does as well as can be expected. Best wishes.

barclay said...

No advice.

But, good luck, and I hope things works as as best as they possibly can.

StrangerInTheseParts said...

Christ, that all sucks.

Don't try to hold it together so much. Do less. Just let it all pass through you.

You always turn around pretty quickly.

Much support....

Helly said...

So sorry you are feeling so low. Like someone else said, please know that there is yet another anonymous but avid reader out here that sends you warm and caring thoughts.

gregarious said...

As someone who is also fighting the occasional (now frequent) bouts of depression, I know that words may not mean a whole lot right now. FWIW though, hang in there, and I hope you get better soon!

clarissa said...

i hate the vicious cycle sleep plays into these things...depressed people sleep less, which is an unfortunate proven fact, and of course proper sleep helps regulate cortisol and seratonin and all of the other biochemical reactions that influence mood...melatonin or something might help with the sleep, which could maybe provide a minor salve in terms of the physical symptoms...

i'm sorry so much is up in the air...i know for me, not knowing (regardless of what it is) is way more difficult than knowing even pretty terrible news.

i find watching nip/tuck can help too, it's so cheesey and fun and over the top. this season is kind of lame though

Anonymous said...

Things bottom out, then they get better. To quote a fairly cheesy musical with some good lines in it:
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.

Rob said...

I just wanted to second what the other anonymous people have said. I'm an avid reader of your blog, and as someone who is susceptible to bouts of depression myself, I completely empathize and I hope you can find your way out of it soon. You definitely have people out there who care a great deal about you.

Damn It Anyway said...

Wish I could give you a hug right now.

Anonymous said...

Hey hun

Like you said, you don't want any advice, and I understand that. Just wanted to post so you know there are people feeling for you. I get the impression from your writing tone that you know this is a period that will pass. Until then *hugs*

xx