precipice

I want to write about the good things. I started a post about Fuchsia's wedding, which was beyond lovely and great fun and exactly how I would want my own wedding to be (if I wasn't still enchanted by the idea of eloping). I'd like to write a post about how Roommate Rachel and I have become fast friends and true sources of comfort and support for each other. Or even something fluffy, like my plans for Halloween this year.

I'd like to sit down and write something long and thoughtful, or even put in some work on the last 15 pages of my sample chapter. I have been trying, but it's no good. I can't do any of the above because I am at the very edge of falling into a very dark, very deep depression, and it has been taking all my energy just to get myself to work every day and maintain minor social contact with a couple of friends.

What's wrong?

I'm waiting on an important decision at work, which will affect my career and is keeping me on tenterhooks. I have a relative that is gravely ill and might possibly die soon. I have been having a lot of trouble getting to sleep, and what sleep I have been getting has been restless and shallow, so I've been glazed over and exhausted during the day. I've been fighting off anxiety attacks, little ones and big ones, and keeping them mostly at bay, for a week now.

I'm exhausted.

I really don't want any advice on how to make myself feel better. I'm doing everything I can. I'm exercising. I'm doing nice things for others. I'm surrounding myself with good people. I'm pursuing every source of minor comfort I can, whether it's losing myself in a book or movie or website or television show or throwing myself into my work. I'm really, really trying to hold it together. I'll keep trying.

That's about all I can write at the moment.