Wednesday, February 07, 2007

on the horizon

Web Wesley asked if I was excited about my dates. I have one tonight and another tomorrow night. I'd like to go on a date with Wesley, but he is thousands of miles away, so that would tricky (and--oh, yeah--we're trying to work together, so perhaps not the best idea).

I wouldn't say "excited" is the word. A little nervous, yes. I have this nice equilibrium going, and I'm uneasy about having some guy disrupt it. That's why I am re-implementing the rotation (dating more than one guy), to make sure I don't get hung up on one person. Of course, when I did that last year I ended up frazzled, confused, and ultimately exhausted and depressed, but this time it will be different (and God laughs).

This time, I'm putting the emphasis on having fun going out and flirting, taking my time to get to know people, and not rushing to get emotionally attached. That's my big problem. I tend to like people too easily, and those positive emotions create a halo effect. I end up justifying flaws and incompatibilities, pushing my optimism to the limit by convincing myself that things will work out, as soon as we get past Problems A, B, and C. Sometimes it feels like I don't have a choice in the matter; it's as if the universe knocks me over the head and decrees that I will become enraptured with a man, regardless of his suitability for me. I fall in love easily and get disillusioned just as easily. It's a pattern I'm trying to break.

I don't often have a choice about what I feel for whom, but I do have a choice in how I act on those feelings. Over the weekend, at a gathering at Willow's place, Polly was praised my willpower at avoiding Cozy Bar and told her boyfriend about how Ben instantly liked me from the first night we met, how there was something between us, etc. (Why, Polly, why?). It started hurting all over again, as he returned to the forefront of my thoughts. The other night, I was a block away from the theater where his play is to be staged, and I wondered if he was rehearsing, or on his way to rehearsal, and prayed I wouldn't bump into him. At this point, I don't even want to go back to the bar, because I'm healing nicely and don't want all my progress undone. In this way, my actions are aiding my emotions (out of sight, out of mind, out of heart).

Then there's Wesley, who I don't know well, but gives every indication of being the real deal. He makes me laugh, he's a great flirt, and he gives me faith that the good ones are out there (even if they aren't in my time zone). Wesley is proof that the seduction community can be used for more than a get-laid-quick scheme, when I was starting to have some major misgivings about men (mis)using PUA materials.

This is my favorite part, the what happens right before. The anticipation. I have these two dates lined up for this week, a big vacation scheduled for next month, and several outings planned in between. I have all this to look forward to, and part of me wants to keep it that way: in the near future, where it's real-but-not-quite, where it can't possibly disappoint me, because it hasn't happened yet.

No, "excited" isn't the right word, but "nervous" isn't quite it, either.

Hesitant.

I'm hesitant.

Here goes...nothing? Something? We'll see.

10 comments:

Sex & Moxie said...

That's EXACTLY how I feel when I'm about to go on my first post-break-up date. Part of me doesn't want to go because I'd rather go out with someone I'm totally excited about. Another part of me is terrified.

Have fun, and relax!

Halstead said...

Two dates in one week? Lots of outings this planned this month? A amazingly fun vacation next month?

Hesitant?

If I were you, I'd be jumping out of my skin with happiness! I'm starting to worry about you. Enjoy your two dates! Enjoy your plans and outings this month! And please enjoy your vacation. I've never been on a vacation in my life, don't waste it, or anything else with "hesitation".

I read this blog because I like reading about how "somebody" is enjoying their life.

"Here goes...nothing? Something? We'll see."

Ugh, your starting to sound like me. :)

-Halstead

Alec said...

I thought you gave up dating for 2007?

Aphexcoil said...

Alec,

Who can give up dating for a year? That's like saying, "I'm going to go the entire day without breathing because I'm sick of stale air."

Dolly,

Couple observations. First, don't think of them as "dates." Every time I think of the word "date," I feel some type of performance anxiety and start putting expectations inside my head about the encounter. It is better to view it as a fun night out with some guy without even thinking about the whole "date" ramifications.

Second -- I've been down the long distance road before. Wes may or may not be the real deal, but always keep in mind that we can project our own needs, wants and desires into someone with whom we have not spent any significant time with. Of course, I'm just a black pot speaking here ...

How old are you, btw? If it is a big secret, that's cool. I'm just curious.

Good luck.

CoatMan said...

Dolly: Best wishes! Do tell us how they go :-)

NotCarrie said...

Good luck on the dates:) I have one Friday, but I'm trying not to think about it just yet.

Ana Renee Jones said...

Dolly,

I love you. I think you may be the east coast version of me. Or maybe we just share the same wave lengths.

Ana

P.S.
I just memorized it today...see if it helps you (I took it from PUAs):

"I am a goddess. People love me. I glow and radiate charisma and charm. I stand out from everyone else around me. Talking to me is a privilege. I deserve the best the world has to offer. It’s all out there, waiting for ME to take it."

Dolly said...

Moxie,
I'm good at the having fun part, need work on the relaxing part. And it didn't really register that this would be my first post-break-up date. Hm.

Halstead,
I am happy. I am enjoying my life. That doesn't mean I can't also be cautious at the same time. I'm just trying to be self-aware and aware of the people and circumstances around me.

Alec,
If you read through the posts tagged "Barman Ben", that should explain why I'm dating again.

Aphexcoil,
I'm ambivalent about the term "date". On one hand, I agree with you, I don't like the expectations and pressure it can put on a situation. On the other hand, let's be honest, I'm not really out there looking for more friends (though certainly open to it). Part of me likes the term "date" because it's kinda romantic. Oh, and I haven't given my specific age on the blog, but am in my late 20's.

Coatman,
Thanks for the good juju.

NotCarrie,
Good luck on your date, too!

Ana,
Nice bit of self-affirmation. I find listening to the song "Atomic" by Blondie has much the same effect. But that's probably just me.

V said...

How odd that I was reading about Thomas Hobson (Hobson's choice) and dilemmas before I came to your blog.

I think you might enjoy another blog that I frequent.

http://www.powerseductionandwar.com/archives/the_three_types.phtml

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