on the horizon

Web Wesley asked if I was excited about my dates. I have one tonight and another tomorrow night. I'd like to go on a date with Wesley, but he is thousands of miles away, so that would tricky (and--oh, yeah--we're trying to work together, so perhaps not the best idea).

I wouldn't say "excited" is the word. A little nervous, yes. I have this nice equilibrium going, and I'm uneasy about having some guy disrupt it. That's why I am re-implementing the rotation (dating more than one guy), to make sure I don't get hung up on one person. Of course, when I did that last year I ended up frazzled, confused, and ultimately exhausted and depressed, but this time it will be different (and God laughs).

This time, I'm putting the emphasis on having fun going out and flirting, taking my time to get to know people, and not rushing to get emotionally attached. That's my big problem. I tend to like people too easily, and those positive emotions create a halo effect. I end up justifying flaws and incompatibilities, pushing my optimism to the limit by convincing myself that things will work out, as soon as we get past Problems A, B, and C. Sometimes it feels like I don't have a choice in the matter; it's as if the universe knocks me over the head and decrees that I will become enraptured with a man, regardless of his suitability for me. I fall in love easily and get disillusioned just as easily. It's a pattern I'm trying to break.

I don't often have a choice about what I feel for whom, but I do have a choice in how I act on those feelings. Over the weekend, at a gathering at Willow's place, Polly was praised my willpower at avoiding Cozy Bar and told her boyfriend about how Ben instantly liked me from the first night we met, how there was something between us, etc. (Why, Polly, why?). It started hurting all over again, as he returned to the forefront of my thoughts. The other night, I was a block away from the theater where his play is to be staged, and I wondered if he was rehearsing, or on his way to rehearsal, and prayed I wouldn't bump into him. At this point, I don't even want to go back to the bar, because I'm healing nicely and don't want all my progress undone. In this way, my actions are aiding my emotions (out of sight, out of mind, out of heart).

Then there's Wesley, who I don't know well, but gives every indication of being the real deal. He makes me laugh, he's a great flirt, and he gives me faith that the good ones are out there (even if they aren't in my time zone). Wesley is proof that the seduction community can be used for more than a get-laid-quick scheme, when I was starting to have some major misgivings about men (mis)using PUA materials.

This is my favorite part, the what happens right before. The anticipation. I have these two dates lined up for this week, a big vacation scheduled for next month, and several outings planned in between. I have all this to look forward to, and part of me wants to keep it that way: in the near future, where it's real-but-not-quite, where it can't possibly disappoint me, because it hasn't happened yet.

No, "excited" isn't the right word, but "nervous" isn't quite it, either.

Hesitant.

I'm hesitant.

Here goes...nothing? Something? We'll see.