Saturday, March 11, 2006

Hot Brother

Sorry I've fallen behind with the updates; lots going on.

I promised the story of Hot Brother. It's probably not what you think.

To give a little background, after I met up with PUA Mr.Right (formerly PUA David, which we agreed was painfully unimaginative) the night he introduced me to his brother, I tried to get him to set us up. I also begged him not to give his brother the link to my blog. He said he wasn't going to get involved beyond giving me Hot Brother's email. Fair enough. I thought about it for a bit, then wrote Hot Brother a note and included the link myself ("you might as well know what you're getting into"). I said I'd like to continue our conversation and would be happy to meet up as friends. I didn't want it to come across like I was asking him out, because I didn't want to put needless pressure on the situation.

There was no word from him for nearly a week, which I took as a sign that he read my blog and was scared away. Which wouldn't have surprised me. Last week I got a reply. He had been out of town. He'd be happy to meet for a drink. He would skip the blog and preferred to get to know the in-person me. Ooh, great answer. I suggested a few days I was free and he invited me to a concert at Carnegie Hall, where his friend was performing. Wow!

The concert was on Wednesday and I hadn't heard from him confirming plans, so I wasn't sure if we were still on. I was also battling that monster depression from the beginning of the week, so my head was foggy and I wasn't sure I'd even be up for it. He called around lunchtime and followed up with an email. Did I want to get drinks/dinner beforehand? I was tempted to apologize, tell him I was unwell, and take a raincheck. I thought about it and decided to go. How many times does a girl get invited to go to Carnegie Hall by a personable, attractive guy? I went out, bought a new dress, started to cheer up. I could do this.

Hot Brother met me at work and we walked uptown. He asked what I had been up to. He hadn't heard about the Village Voice scandal, but because he knew about the blog, I could tell him about the crazy turn my life took for a while. It was such a relief to be able to talk freely about it, whereas none of my dates and even some of my closest friends are still in the dark about all the madness from the last couple of weeks. It sometimes feels like a burden to have these secrets, and it was great not to have to censor myself.

We had dinner at the Brooklyn Diner. The conversation flowed and one salad and two gin and tonics I felt myself relaxing.

The concert was beautiful. It was a choir singing a Mozart program. I love Mozart, so some of the pieces were familiar to me, and comforting. I've been saying how I feel like I haven't been nourishing my soul enough lately, but this music did just that. It was just what I needed. Hot Brother pointed out his friend toward the end of intermission and I thought of how incredible it must be to perform in a venue as austere as Carnegie Hall. Lucky woman.

We took the subway downtown together. Hot Brother got me talking and talking and I didn't even notice when we got to his stop. We didn't get to say a proper good-bye, so I sent him a text message when I got home, thanking him for the concert. He replied, "You're very welcome-- you make good company." Aww.

I don't think it was a date. He wasn't very touchy-feely (he put his hand on my back a couple of times, but that was it) and I didn't get a this-is-a-date vibe from the evening. That is totally okay with me. I think right now I prefer getting to know guys as friends. If Hot Brother and I don't get past being platonic, that will be fine. He is so easy to talk to; I actually feel like I talk way too much around him. It's nice to find people you can be so at ease with.

The night out with Hot Brother was the perfect antidote to the dating burnout I've been experiencing. He makes good company, too.


Rubik said...

A bit off topic from this post, but I had some thoughts about the men in your life in relation to my own dating experiences...

My advice is the old cliche:

Read men by their actions, not by their words.

This is beyond true. In fact, you can (and should) seriouly ignore EVERYTHING that comes out of a man's mouth.

Even "I love you".

I was in a relationship where we said "I love you" all the time out of habit even when things were going downhill. I was NOT buying her things and doing romantic stuff during this time. (NOTE: PUAs ignore this. I'm talking relationship stuff here - beyond the first several dates. Not pickup.)

Regarding cuddling, you should be able to read that as well. Does he just put his arm over you? Or does he pull you in close? Does he just hold your hand, or does he squeeze it?

In my opinion, if the squeezes exist they show there is at least SOMETHING there emotionally. Level is unknown. Although frequency (squeezing you a lot) is a definite indicator of more attachment.

I've heard that many (most?) women can't have sex with a man without making some emotional ties. I submit that the same thing happens to guys (well, me, at least) if I'm spooning/squeezing a girl I like. A few emotional ties develop in the act itself. Not massive amounts, but some. (a hand squeeze, less so)

I do NOT think I could cuddle/ squeeze someone I did not like. I would probably just have my arm limp over them.

So if you are interested in Tyler and you have these (and/or other) emotional indicators, you should be able to manipulate him (if you want to).

Sprinkle in some jealousy, reschedule random dates, be a little less available....

Make a strategy and execute.

Never doubt that love IS war.

Seducing someone is like laying siege to a castle. You plan, make strategies, mark your progress, and recalibrate, until slowly, but surely, the walls come crumbling down.

I wish love was like the bullshit Hollywood has been selling us for years - which, IMHO, is why our generation is so fucked up.

But in reality, you see someone you like, you seduce them, get them, and then decide if you want to keep them around. If you do, great! Get married.

But even after marriage, the war continues and you have to keep your man seduced so he doesn't ever stray, since a man's desire to conquer new "fresh" women can be powerful...

Rubik said...

P.S. the party in question must NEVER become aware that they are being seduced, or you will never be able to seduce them now or ever again.

They will see the small things you do - she did something sexy, she's being a pain in the ass, she cancelled on me, she told me she loved me, etc - but they must NEVER become aware of the big picture - that it's all carefully orchestrated steps.

They will, however, feel the intended effect - that is, they'll fall in love with you.

Charlie Brown said...

A Mozart choir. Lucky you!

ruuude said...

"A change is a good as a rest", my mother used to say. It turns out she was right. Sometimes, something simple like a quiet evening with some good company is as good as a night in on your own. Sometimes, it's so much better.

CoatMan said...

Non-dates are the best dates.

Dolly said...

Sorry, but to me, love and manipulation don't go hand in hand. I'm not discounting what you have to say, I just don't think I could ever put it into practice. If I can't act from the heart, it's not worth it.

It was very special. An aural balm.

Mother knows best. Simple has been best lately.


srussian said...

Isn't it funny that what we desire manifests itself? In your case, you wanted someone to openly talk to about your blog, to not hide. And look what came popping up a week later!

Life doesn't smile back at you, it smiles with you, so no matter how tough life might seem to get at times, you gotta keep your chin up.

The answer is 42, but what is the question? :)

Tonic & Lime said...

I don't particularly agree with manipulation leading into love either. While the whole pick-up ``scene'' is essentially learning how to be social, there is also plenty of material on social manipulation. In fact, there is a very, very fine line between learning social dynamics and learning social manipulation (and an even finer line between NLP and social manipulation).

While you might go into set with an end goal in mind, I don't feel that attempting to talk to somebody to hook up with them and following social guidelines that typically work for achieving this outcome is manipulation. The key is congruence. If you are definitely interested, you are an interesting person, you come across as such, and you achieve your goal, what have you manipulated? Nothing -- you have come across as exactly who you are and somebody has proven that they are interested in that. If you use canned routines that aren't congruent with who you really are, then yes, you have manipulated someone into being attracted to a different person than who you really are. You're doing yourself a disservice in this respect as well.

In a relationship, this gets even more difficult. There is very little freely-available information on maintaining a good relationship, and a lot of PUAs have trouble with entering one. The issue here is that the men have gained the skills to attract women, but now do not know what to do from there. They are unable to maintain a relationship.

It is not up to one side or the other to ensure stability in the relationship. It is up to both parties on an equal basis. If there is an issue on one side, there are issues on both sides. If one piece isn't fulfilled for one party, the other will lose as well. This is why relationships frequently seem to follow a downward spiral into nothingness. When communication is ignored, things go wrong.

Rubik says, ``Read men by their actions, not by their words.'' There is some truth to this, and it doesn't apply to only men. Actions do speak louder than words. In my last relationship, I said, ``I love you.'' with frequency incongruent with showing my actual love. This is commonplace in Western ``loving'' relationships. However, there is plenty to be said for the words as well: I did (and do) still love her. I simply did not act in a way that was congruent with my feelings. I wasn't myself.

And in this lies the point. Two of them actually. For any relationship to be a success, there must be affirmations from both sides that are congruent with the relationship. Each party must feel that the relationship _is_ what is wanted at the time. Additionally, and perhaps most importantly, verbal communication must be made to indicate this. The words do matter. When either party fails to do this, both will suffer.

Thus, don't dismiss, ``I love you.'' Don't dismiss things that are said. Rather, if this is incongruent with what is happening in the relationship, make this apparent. Ignoring it, not addressing it, and manipulating it is avoiding the issue and will only enable the relationship to further spiral downward -- I say with confidence that it will never help.


N said...

That sounded lovely; a meeting with a could-be friend, as opposed to a could-be lover.

It sounds like you need more of those. :)

Dolly said...

You're right. Life gives you what you need, if you keep the right perspective and know how to see it. I'm very fortunate.

Yes, I think verbal and non-verbal cues are equally important. Neither TV Tyler nor Arty Adam have actually said anything along the lines of, "I like you" or paid me a compliment. I'm pretty good about the positive reinforcement and it's nice to get some back once in a while. I hate the idea that we have to ration out our affection for others.

You're probably right.

Larissa said...

as my grandma would say, he sounds like a 'keepah.' and yes i think getting to know him better as a friend is a good idea -- no matter which way it goes. glad you're chirpin' up!

Blogger said...

Looking for the Ultimate Dating Website? Create an account to find your perfect match.