Sunday, March 12, 2006

In vodka (and gin) veritas

I think I'm tired of dating. I need a break. Once upon a time, I was friends with guys before they became my boyfriend. I hate it how in New York, you're either dating or you're not, no in between. I finally have some guy friends that aren't ex-boyfriends or gay (or both; I still have my suspicions...) and it's comforting to see that we're in the same boat. Everyone is trying to make a connection. Those who are paired up don't usually realize how tough it is for us to find somebody. Sure, there are lots of choices, but so very few right ones.

I don't think it's going to go anywhere with Arty Adam or TV Tyler. I got an email from the former a couple of days ago. One line, very neutral. No word from the latter in a week now, since we last saw each other. My instincts are telling me to move on.

I got an email earlier this week, from a guy who found my blog via the Village Voice. He suggested meeting up for coffee. Two things made me say yes: 1. When I saw his picture, the first thing I thought of was Cary Elwes' character from The Princess Bride (which is why he will be known as Wesley from now on). In other words, he was super-cute. 2. He sent me the link to his Flikr page and one of the pictures he uploaded was my favorite drawing by one of my favorite contemporary artists.

Wesley and I met for brunch today. He was already at the cafe when I arrived and was reading a novel by one of my favorite writers. It almost felt too coincidental. The coffee was amazing and conversation pretty good, too. Wesley is so easy to open up to. He seems a little shy and he seems to be in a place where he's working things out and trying to find outlets for his ideas. I can relate. I feel like we got to touch upon a topic or two which I rarely discuss with people. I was extremely hungover and concerned that I would be a little out of it, but Wesley was fighting a cold, so we had a level playing field. I wasn't at my best, but I had a great time. I like this whole non-date-with-an-attractive-man thing. It takes the pressure off. I hope Wesley wants to meet up again (um, I haven't actually told him as much, but he reads this blog, so he probably now knows).

It looks like I might have officially reached dating burnout. Not just dating, but the whole making-out-with-a-guy-in-a-bar/casual sex thing. I have finally gotten to the point where meeting people is easy, where I know I can attract men, but I have no more energy for this numbers game. Being 'on' all the time is draining. Which means I have to make an important decision. Either I continue the Rotation, or I stop. Except that it's not much of a choice. I have already started slowing things down. I don't expect to see TV Tyler or Arty Adam again. I'm feeling less extroverted and don't feel a desire to strike up conversations with people I don't know. A cute guy tried to flirt with me while I was out tonight and I smiled and walked away from him. I can't do this anymore.

Is it exhaustion? Is it depression? Is it a newly-found patience? Is it the fallout from too much partying? Is it a temporary introversion? Probably a mix of all of the above.

Time for bed...


P said...

The problem is you think too much. Don't think about where you are in life at the moment. Just go get what you want.

CoatMan said...

Hmm, if only all dates had a 'blog, it'd get rid of all that silly guessing malarky and make things infinitely easier for everyone.

"The conversation was great, but it felt like kissing a limp fish"

Note to self: improve kissing technique.

"I'm wondering whether he's going to ask me out again before my birthday, which is next week"

Note to self: take her to dinner and buy her flowers on birthday.

"That was the worst date ever".

Note to self: I don't think she'll mind if I don't call again.

As to you being depressed/tired/burnt out I rather suspect (and hope for your sake, poor muffin) that it won't last for ever, and that it is the melancholia of the person who has spent months meticulously building a model of the Eiffel Tower, only for it to fall down through having chosen the wrong materials. If you'd done that, would you feel like starting again straight away without a break?

P: Don't knock thinking. One can never think too much of the right things (or too little of the wrong things, but then the criticism is not thinking too much per se, but thinking the wrong things in the first place).

And best wishes with non-date Wesley!

ruuude said...

Too much of a good thing, perhaps? Or when you give the keys of the candy store to a child, they will eventually have their fill?

Velvet said...

It does get tiring. I've been on a non-stop dating spree for almost a year. And what happens is, you meet too many men below your standards / needs in a row and you lose your spirit. You just need one good one who reciprocates to get you back in the game.

Rubik said...

You appear to have plenty of people sucking up to you, so I'll play devil's advocate, be the asshole, and call bullshit on you - balance must be achieved! :P

Suck it up, Dolly. You're an HB8 who attractive, fun, has lots of friends, and knows how to attract men.

I had a date last night with a girl with one picture. In the picture she looked fairly attractive, but only had a slight Mona Lisa kind of smile. Then she showed up at the bar, smiled and had this huge overbite. Ouch. Poor girl.

I try hard not to be superficial and tried to see the good in her, but just couldn't do it. I forced myself to chat with her for an hour. I had to focus hard to not be distracted.

So no pity for you from me. Everyone who reads this blog is single and knows what you mean.

Take a break for a while if you need to. But I'm pretty sure somewhere you said dating is a marathon. I tend to agree.

Basically, you're an attractive woman who's bitching about having too many boyfriends. PUH-LEASE!!
There's a lot of women who can't get laid to save their life.

Do NOT torture yourself with the Hollywood bullshit Cinderella fantasy we've all been sold. Longing for the prince in shining armor who will come and rescue you. Doesn't exist. I tortured myself with my idealized image of "the one" for years. I'm trying to let it go.

My mother looked me in the face and told me after 35 years of marriage she loved my father but was not in-love with him. That's the true reality we're all headed for.

Do you realize the divorce rate in this country is over 50%? Our entire generation is fucked up. I'll bet it's because these people still think "the one" is out there. Or maybe they just get bored.

My advice is take the romantic moments when that energy is fantastic and cherish them. Do the same for the cuddles and everything else. Because I'm pretty sure my mother hasn't felt much in the way of sparks or romance for at least 25 years.

Depressing? Maybe. But I think it's important that we cycle back out of Cinderella fantasies. Because the reatity is the prince slept with his secretary a few years later and they got a divorce.

Love is war, dolly. Love is war...

P.S. Don't think of this as a grind. Enjoy the excitement of new love, possibility, sparks, and kissing.

But if I hear "boo-hoo. I've kissed hundreds of men", I'll find some big ugly fat girl to slap you silly.


sophie n said...

hi dolly...

the debate of the wonders of boys can go on forever...yeah, maybe you haven't found "the one" yet or maybe you did meet "the one" and he ended up shitting all over your life....who knows? Perhaps the reason you've been feeling burnt out, depressed, and extroverted is because you need some more dolly time....While it seems you've been having fun with friends (which is fabulous) and satiating your physical needs (which is fabulous), maybe its time to look at the spiritual, emotional, and mental needs of yourself? just a thought...

Rubik said...

Ya know, I was thinking about this a little more, about my mom, and about the nature of love.

Maybe here in our dating days we have the romance, the sparks, the sinking elevator feeling, great sex, the variety of partners....

...but long for the spiritual connection.

Then after marriage you have the spiritual connection, but none of the romance and passion. Just the same old dick, the same old positions, the same old everything.

Of course, there's the children days. Until the kids grow up and leave, of course. Then you're stuck with that fat guy. You're fat, he's fat, you smell each others farts, he burps, spits, leaves skid marks in his underwear, TV dinners, the same old shit night after night..

...and then you die.

What's your hurry, Dolly? Enjoy your youth, enjoy your young sexy body. In fact, video tape all your sexual encounters so you have something to look back on when you're an 80 year old widow abandoned in an old folks home.


Aren't I a cheery fellow?!!! ;)

Betcha can't wait for that next date though...

Dolly said...

I believe all action needs to be balanced with a certain amount of reflection. Before I set out for what I want, I need to fine-tune it in my head.

Both guys I met up with recently know about the blog, but I don't know that it's necessarily a good thing. It seems a little unfair that they can read what I think about them but not vice versa. Of course, I don't have say anything at all, but where's the fun in that?

Yeah, maybe I've had my fill of candy. Something with more nutrients would be nice right about now.

Ah, reciprocity. The magic word.

From what I read in your blog, you ended up having a pretty good date with the overbite girl. I'm certainly not boo-hooing my situation. I know I'm pretty fortunate to have had the relationships and hook-ups that I have. I'm just being honest about my current state, which is no longer finding the casual thing appealing. Despite your parents' or anybody else's experience, I do believe that it's possible to create and sustain a loving relationship. I just need to find a person that is going to be as dedicated to it as I am.

I think you're right and I have been spending a lot more time on my own. It's tough, because I tend to get more depressed when I'm doing things solo and it's easier for me to be happy around friends. At the same time, I know the quiet time is necessary.

Rubik said...

Hi Dolly,

Squirrel was Friday, overbite was a different girl was Saturday.

...the point I'm trying to make is dating isn't necessarily a grind.

Focus on enjoying the sinking elevator feelings (when they occur), the great and varied sex, and the sexy bodies you encounter. Because after you get married, you'll never feel those again.

Marriage has as many hassles and headaches as dating. Probably a hell of a lot more.

The grass is always greener...

Rubik said...

But then who am I?

Someone fresh on the dating scene giving advice to someone who's been out there a while.

I can see a "foot in my mouth" on the horizon...


Time will tell.

sophie n said...

hi dolly...

isn't that the truth...i'm going to go see a musical today, and i told myself i'd be fine if no one could go with me....but when the prospect of me going to do something by myself, albeit something i love, i was really sad...but like you said we all need that quiet time...i guess its just about finding balalance...

Tonic & Lime said...

Coincidentally, Dolly, I've been reading similar stuff from people on my side of the fence. I know several PUAs who are currently in relationships and still end up gaming (because they don't know what else to do when they're out), getting numbers, and just not doing anything with them. Myself included.

When I started with all of this, my goal was to find a ``special someone.'' Unfortunately, a lot of PU material seems to discredit this goal. Even worse, a lot of it seems to imply that there is always a bigger, better fish. That a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush is ignored here -- the PUA frame would seem to suggest that the birds in the bush are in an netted environment and can be obtained at any time.

Thus, I have a dilemma.

I'm happy with my (currently very young) relationship at the moment. Guys tell me I can get better. And it's ironic that I was in this sort of PU burnout-funk when I met my girlfriend at a bar that I frequent.

So this raises two questions for me:

1) Why was it so easy to get into this relationship when I wasn't looking for it? I frequently hear from people that this sort of thing happens when you are least looking for it. I couldn't have been looking for it less (well, I could have not gone out, but I really wasn't in the mood to ``run game.'')

2) What is a better relationship?

I don't have an answer to the first question. If I did, I'd probably get an honorary Ph.D. from an honorable university.

The second is an easier answer. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what this means for myself, and it's really funny to hear from other guys that, when I'm standing next to my girlfriend, people look at us in a manner that would indicate that she got a ``lucky catch.'' (Funny because it's I that did the catching.)

Everyone has their own goals and ideals for a relationship. My ideal relationship would be one in which communication flows, there's a good connection, lots of attraction, and with an extremely beautiful woman. Could I get more of all of this from somebody else than my current girlfriend? I probably could.

But here lie the dragons. My girlfriend is pretty. She's fun. She's smart. I can be content with this. Can I be happy? Sure. Could I be more happy? You betcha. Should I ditch her to attain more more more? Fucked if I know.

Anyway, my own personal stuff aside, I think it's really interesting to see the ``when it rains, it pours'' small-world type thing going on here with so many people: being burned out and finding out that you're really not burned out about dating -- you just need to do it in a different way, perhaps. Being burned out and getting what you wanted when you perhaps didn't want it -- or least expected it.


NuYawker said...

After a few good months of dating/sleeping around, I've been in a sort of burn-out mode as well. It has felt like getting over a vice.I find now that when I'm out with friends, I don't aggressively flirt, but am just content to watch others pursue. (sometimes I even enable for others) At first I was concerned about this state of mind, but more recently have been enjoying the simplification in my life. It doesn't mean I'm anti-social. Just focusing on myself for a while. It's stabilizing after you get off the addiction of who the next candidate could be.

I've never utilized any PUA techniques literally, but I certainly have utilized my own form of artistry when flirting. (of which there are similarities). But actively creating a revolving stable of lovers ultimately breeds a strategic way of thinking,I think. (i.e. "What can THEY offer ME" )It's very effective for replenishing new booty after the old fades away or disappears. But I believe if you want more from, you have to graduate from that sport. I'm not judging PUArtistry, but it seems you are fighting what it offers (high yield and instant gratification) with what you may want down the road (a realtionship based on trust, not fear or judgement.)
By the way, has the irony been lost on anyone that the authors of "The Game" and "Unhooked Love" (two books at opposite ends of the relationship spestrum) have virtually the same last name?

Derek L. said...

My 2 cents... Do what you enjoy. If you're not having fun, it's not worth doing.

- Positive

Dolly said...

No, dating shouldn't be a grind, and when it does start to feel like a chore, it's time for a break. I think that's probably best for me right now. Yes, the grass is greener, but having found happiness as a singleton, I wouldn't mind finding happiness with another.

I hope you enjoyed that musical. I tend not to do so well with the balance, which is why I end up crashing, like recently. This moderation thing always seems to evade me...


I have to say, it gives me hope that you found someone when you weren't looking, because I'm in that mindset right now.

Please don't let yourself be brainwashed by people who say "you could do better." It sounds like you found a good woman who you are happy with. Do you know how many people (including myself) would be so grateful to find themselves in a satisfying relationship? Sure, you could be happier, but you could be a hell of a lot less happier, too. Why not give it a real chance and see if you can develop a loving relationship? I mean, if you feel like you haven't gotten sarging out of your system, don't lead this woman on, but if it's a matter of peer pressure, remember that if you do set out to try to build a harem or win the heart of an HB10, you may end up regretting throwing away the happiness you currently have. I know you didn't ask for my advice, but I get so frustrated with the trading up mentality, which I think is a big reason why all of us have such relationship ADD.

Yep, that's exactly where I am. Right now it seems like wasted energy to charm these random guys that aren't even going to stick around. I'd rather focus that energy on my family, my friends, and myself.

Simple, but true.

Larissa said...

I think it's growth, you're looking for more. Good for you! And dude...I have a feeling so many more guys are going to ask you out now via this blog. Get ready for the floodgates to open!

Stretch said...

"The coffee was amazing and conversation pretty good, too. Wesley is so easy to open up to"

Sounds like a winner to me. Totally natural that your level of interest in meeting new people will wax and wane over time. It has been an intense couple of months for have to retreat back eventually to take stock of where you stand and what you want.

And I too am rediscovering my affinity for platonic (ok, most of the time platonic) friendships with members of the opposite sex. I just enjoy women's company, and it is 10x better when the "dating" pressure is off and you feel like you can talk to each other about anything. Good luck finding straight guys who genuinely just want to be your friend, though!


PS--started reading through "Unhooked Generation"...thx for the recommendation. True to Naomi Wolf's recommendation on the cover, this looks like something most single Gen-Xer's should read. Are there any parts of the book you disagreed with?

Stretch said...

One other point wrt the value of pu materials for women:

Alot of these materials focus on making sure men don't act like "wussies," or men who don't have enough self-confidence to stand up for what they know is right or what they want. But there is such a thing as a "woman wussy," too, and she is just as unattractive to men as the the male variant is unattractive to women. I am talking about the girls who are always asking you to tell them what it is about them you find so special, want you to always reassure them that you aren't seeing anyone else, and otherwise act like their self-esteem is dependant on what you think of them. I think the PU materials can help both women and men with this.

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