Wednesday, March 08, 2006

70+ comments later

...But tell me how you really feel...

First of all, I want to extend my enormous gratitude to everyone who has offered their support these last couple of days. From those who defended me on the blog, to those who sent compassionate emails (O, yours was so sweet, it made me cry), to one dear friend who actually called and sang me a song on my voicemail to cheer me up. You all rock.

Having given it some thought, I think the depression was brought on by exhaustion, hormones, and work stress (and maybe even the Village Voice thing) more than dating. Yes, I think moving away from having as many casual physical encounters is a good idea, but I wasn't sad because I felt cheap after hooking up with so many guys. Are you kidding, I loved every second of it! I do not nor will not regret it. The melancholy was triggered by stress from many different sides.

This blog is not about my work life or about the noble causes I support. Those who need to broadcast how they're making the world a better place are more self-absorbed than they will ever realize. True charity is done and then not spoken about.

I started this blog to chart my progress in terms of sex, dating, love, and relationships. I am comfortable with my body, comfortable with my sexuality, and make no apologies for my actions. If anybody reading this disapproves or dislikes what I have to say, don't read it. I'd rather not see such nauseating self-righteousness on here again, but I'm actually surprised these comments didn't come sooner. However, it would help if people actually read what I wrote before unleashing judgment. I don't go to bars in hopes of meeting my soul mate. I go to socialize and frequently end up having casual hook-ups with guys I meet there, which I don't expect to go further. Yes, I may rush the sex with men I date on occasion, but I'm working on that. At the same time, I am enjoying exploring what is out there with passionate curiosity instead of being on a desperate husband-hunt or a hermit spending Friday and Saturday nights on the couch at home, waiting for The One to magically appear. That's just not my style.

With regard to the PUA culture, I can only speak from my experiences. I have gained so much confidence and become so much more at ease with who I am and the people around me since getting involved. Many people will choose to perceive it as nothing more than a quest for bedpost notches; I view it from an angle of self-improvement and development of personal charisma. The rest of you can believe whatever you want.

As for the haters who came out in full force to spew their bile while I was feeling fragile, it's tempting to reflect the same anger you showed me, but I don't actually feel it. In this case, I think a song lyric would be more appropriate:

You know I'm not gonna diss you on the Internet
Cause my momma taught me better than that.

I swear, that is the only time you will ever see me me quoting Destiny's Child. Cross my heart.

Now... can we try to get along? If I have to keep wading through all these bickering comments, I may decide not tell you about tonight's lovely outing with Hot Brother...


Damn It Anyway said...

Soooooooooooooooooo Happy to see you feeling better.
Now that you've heard me sing, promise not to force on stage for karaoke?

Charlie Brown said...

You liked that word "self-righteous", huh?
I think it described these people pretty accurately.
Not bad for a for a french guy huh? (I got that from Star Trek Voyager)

Larissa said...

u got to hear damnit sing? i'm jealous! great post by the way. and i agree with you about the haters. if it's painful for some folks to read our various blogs then why are they reading? someone should start a blog called or and leave nice girls such as yourself alone.

Dare said...

Girls who can act against social conditioning and stick to their real beliefs are rare =) you should pat yourself on the back

Loveandotheraccidents said...

It's very sad that people refuse to hear another person's opinions about life. No every woman or man in American feels that the best way to form a relationship is through becoming a PUA. These people often tend to be happy and fulfilled. Most of people who have found meaningful relationships didn't met their mate in a bar after extensive peacocking.

In the end of the day, if all you have to prove for your lifestyle is a string of hook ups and no meaningful connection (friendships or more) with the opposite sex, there's really nothing for myself or others to be so "jealous" about not.

We meet people that we never speak to again everyday, and the only difference between us and a PUA is that we don't end up kissing or sleeping with them.

coasta said...


It's not so much your opinion as much as your tone. Whether you mean to or not, you come across a bit high and mighty.

Your opinion is fine, but don't preach to everyone else as if they're ignorant heathens and you are the gold child.

And nobody said that being a PUA is better or the road to happiness. For a lot of guys though, it's a method of self improvement/actualization. It is PART of some people's path to becoming a more complete person.


Another benefit of being a PUA is learning to be socially calibrated.

Elle said...

Great rebuttal Dolly...

Clearly those nameless posters are completely insecure with themselves. I'm glad you didn't dignify their actions with a response of equitable anger...Destiny's Child was a perfect choice.

Mary said...

Dolly, you have resolved this gracefully and I have an enormous amount of respect for you for not answering bitterness with anger. It's been a real pleasure seeing you transform yourself into someone with more self-esteem and increased self-respect and like I mentioned before, it's given me more confidence to take chances with the opposite sex. It's a joy to read your blog and I'll continue to do so!

P.S. I'm glad you're feeling less melancholy today.

StrangerInTheseParts said...

Well played, Dolly.

You shushed the nasty folks without being nasty.

You articulated your own goals without being defensive.

And you continue to show how it is possible to do risky and impulsive things without losing your head or stomping all over other peoples feelings.

Have you disclosed your age? How about a 20 - 25 or 25 - 30 type answer....

Dolly said...

No forcing, I promise (though the place I go to doesn't even have a stage, so you could hide in a corner and sing).

Yeah, "self-righteous" just about summed it up.

Hahaha, what a great idea. Let's not forget I'm pretty sure that one's not taken.

Thank you.

I appreciate that you have a different opinion, but if you don't stop commenting without carefully reading what I wrote, I will ban you. Didn't I just say I don't look for potential mates in bars? Didn't I say that I don't expect a bar hook up to lead anywhere? I meet men in other ways, too, but you seem hung up on this bar thing. Also, you seem determined to hate the PUA culture and lifestyle, which is fine, you've made your point clear, no need to keep hammering it home. I will say that I don't get the sense you have actually done much research on PUAs, though. If you did, you'd know that these guys approach women in all kinds of places, during the day and at night, and it's not all about bars and clubs. I don't think we can have a useful discussion if you are going by our own prejudices and extremely limited knowledge.

This woman doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it or only wants to see the negative side of it. Leave her to it.

Hee, I expected some teasing for the Destiny's Child. But I figured since I had that stuck in my head for the past two days, might as well.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm really flattered that I've been able to serve as any kind of example to you. I'm looking forward to hearing about your adventures as your own confidence around men grows.

ChiMike said...

i know this isn't a remedial education forum, per se, but one question:


does the 'm' decode as 'multiple' or 'monogamous'?

i've seen both, and they're kind of different.


Oppi said...

I'm glad you liked the email! Woohoo - I got a mention in your blog :p (Let's hope it was me .... my foot is halfway to my mouth ... )

"I think the depression was brought on by exhaustion, hormones, and work stress..."

Really - you mean you don't have feelings? ;) You're allowed to be human ... and nice work on the bounce-back!

I like that you aren't angry at your haters - so refreshing to hear someone say that.

Now on to the HotBrother story ...

Dolly said...

I think a lot of nasty folks get a rush when they provoke a person, so the only way to best them is not to rise to the bait. And I haven't disclosed my age: 25-30.

The "M" in MLTR stands for "multiple".

Stretch said...

What she said!

Dolly, thanks for handling all the bickering with grace. But I think the bickering is actually a good sign. You know you aren't doing anything important if at least some people aren't getting pissed off.

NotCarrie said...

Yeah these blogs aren't not 100% us. My thoughts aren't 100% about dating and guys, that's just what I tend to blog about. Rock on, Dolly!

The DC quote was great;)

Mango said...

How's my favorite blogger doing on this cold and windy Thursday?

No time to chat, I think I just spotted a 4-set outside my office window. Need to run Jealous GF a Halt and Stop Approach, and calibrate to the windy conditions making sure tonality and vocal projection can be heard over the passing cars. ;-)

I leave you with some words of wisdom.

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. - Albert Einstein

CoatMan said...

Go Dolly! Now, tell us about your latest date... ;-)

Left of the Dial said...

I'm new to your blog, and also blogs in general, but I had point something out: It's really ironic that the PUA community are such better feminists than the asshole(s) that have been gaving you shit.

From a guy who knows a little about not being a patriarchial asshole, its really not cool to be telling a women how to express her sexuality. Oh, and I see that anon says she's a women. That's fine, but it's even worse for a women to be forcing such patriarchial bullshit on another.

Dolly, I know that you're not going to let these creeps get to you, but I have a few quotes from the last two days of comments that i believe will show just how little this has to do with you:

"Picking up men at bars and sleeping with them is an old trick".

"It's sad that young women today brag about their sexual adventures"

"We meet people that we never speak to again everyday, and the only difference between us and a PUA is that we don't end up kissing or sleeping with them."

Point is, your critic(s) are pretending to be good progressive people (Habitat for Humanity, etc.), but its not true. The crap you've been dealing with is pure sexist garbage. It's sad that this women thinks its not sexist for her to be telling you how to make your own choices.

Rich said...


Dolly's back! Handling her haiters with such aplomb too, I like. Long may she reign!

Actually, all this verbal fencing had me articulating my ideas in ways I never got down to doing before, just a tad embarassed about conducting the war on your comments board and leaving all the blood, fur and ruffled feathers on your carpet.

Rubik said...


Are you using the PUA principles as part of an offensive tactic on men?
Becoming a "flayer" (female player)?


I understand what you mean when you talk about "more confidence", but do you use the same techniques to go on offense for men and find men respond to it?

A lot of the PUA principles have to do with coming through as an "alpha male" and there's an underlying dominant/submissive thing that goes on in interactions between PUAs and women.

Using PUA tactics, you might come in as the "dominant" woman. Then is it a test to see if the guy is more dominant than you? Does it scare some of them off?

I'm just wondering how you're integrating this stuff since it's engineered so that women react to it on a genetic level. But that doesn't mean that men will necessarily react to it...

Tonic & Lime said...

Well said, Dolly. I think the anonymous comments posted in your last entry were childish and callous; certainly they were uncalled for.

I applaud your ability to maintain your cool around unreasonable people. While it is easier to do on the Internet, there's still a level of control needed to do so (obviously, otherwise the posts in question would not exist at all). It's a quality very few of us have, unfortunately.

Please continue writing your blog with pride. I actually ended up registering an account so I could reply :).


pawlr said...

Dolly - Rubik raises some good questions that I've been curious about as well. I'd be most interested in any more detail you could provide regarding your success during the "attractive" phases (Mystery's A1-A3). It is entirely plausible and consistent with evo-bio that female demonstrations of dominance over other females raises their attractiveness quotient, also perhaps you use verbal challenges to goad the male into "proving himself" to you? Just guessing here.

K said...

I just discovered your blog and love its inspired rallying cry. What the hell are those naysayers thinking?

Charlie Brown said...

I think speaking of dominance in the "Open-Attract-Close" techniqueis off the topic.

The goal of the PUA is to inspire confidence in the woman by means of his own confidence. In reverse, I think that if the PUA was a woman, she would inspire confidence in the guy, which would not result in him being submissive in any way.
Any real PUA to confirm this?

Rubik said...

Hi Charlie.

IMHO, it depends on the level of the girl. If she's a 5 you want to inspire confidence, I suppose, so you don't blow yourself out by being "unattainable". But if she's a 10, you want to create insecurity. Regardless, like Craiger says, you MUST be cooler than she is and she must know it.

CoatMan said...

Hey, I've just noticed that you've linked my 'blog. Thank you :-D

pawlr said...

By offering false 'shit tests' in which the male is set up to succeed
(and thereby increase his confidence), the resulting ego-grat might allow the female to "grow" the male into more of a "man". I can also see how oscillating negs with demonstratins F-to-M interest could be helping Dolly's seductions.

Then again, since she's hot she probably doesn't have to do much of anything in the attraction phase other than be a hot female. :)

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