Some people just can't exist without worrying about something. Unfortunately, it seems that I am one of those people. When I was single, I worried that I might be alone for the rest of my life. When I met someone I liked, I worried that it would all somehow fall apart--and hey! It usually did! When I started dating BF David, at first I worried that he wouldn't stick around, or that I wouldn't want him to. Once I realized just how much we were falling for each other and we started batting the L-word around, I felt more secure in the relationship. Today, I can see us lasting and lasting.
You'd think now that I don't have to worry about where my next kiss is coming from, I'd calm the hell down and stop worrying entirely. You'd be wrong.
My latest paranoia? The big P: Pregnancy.
Holy crap, I am so scared of getting pregnant. Not that I have much reason to be. BF David and I use condoms, every single time; we don't mess around when it comes to safe sex. And while they aren't 100% effective, the condoms have done their job in all the years I've been sexually active. I have been never been pregnant and have been fortunate enough not to endure even the slightest pregnancy scare.
So why am I so worried about getting knocked up?
Because, if I got pregnant five or more years ago, the solution would probably be more clear-cut. I always told myself I wouldn't even think about kids before my late 20's. Now that I'm here, I can't imagine being the slightest bit ready for a family before my early or mid-30's, or ever, for that matter. I'm still working on getting my career off the ground and even though I don't make a lot of money, I love having the freedom to be frivolous from time to time. I mean, at one point I firmly stated that I'd never have kids, solely because I'd have to give up sushi and alcohol for so many months. Not quite the maturity that a potential mom needs to exude.
The thing is, now I'm at an age where getting pregnant wouldn't lead to an easy solution. I am finally in a healthy and exciting romantic relationship and I want us to enjoy it as long as damn possible. Though as much time as we spend together, we have busy lives of our own and busy social calendars without adding any ginormous responsibilites to the mix like a tiny little living creature who poops and cries a lot. In other words, I am in no way prepared to have a kid and the very idea terrifies me to no end, but the inevitable trauma of having an abortion scares me, too. I honestly don't know what I would do in such a situation.
All this paranoia has be considering something I never thought I would again: The Pill.
My first experience with birth control pills was a miserable one. The wretched thing made me bloated, moody, unbelievably sleepy (I felt like a borderline narcoleptic) and generally far removed from myself. I felt like an alien in my own body and couldn't control the cloudy, unreasonable thoughts my brain generated. Not fun.
I did try a different Pill, one with less estrogen, but by that point I was freaked out about putting hormones into my body and potentially disrupting a healthy balance I had going. I don't lead the healthiest lifestyle on the planet, but I am lucky enough to be of solid stock, so it's extremely rare that I need to see a doctor for anything more than a check-up. My mental health, with the exception of certain times of the month, is also pretty sound. Seems like it would be foolish to possibly mess that up. I don't want to gain weight again. I don't want to subject BF David to my rollercoaster moods while my body rights its hormonal levels. I don't want to not feel like myself. As much as I support how much The Pill has done for women in terms of taking control of their sexuality, a bit part of me simply does not agree with putting foreign chemicals into your body for an extended amount of time. I say this as someone who has experience with the foreign chemicals, and prefers life without them (whether they are deisgner drugs, hormones, or even large doses of alcohol-- though I still like that last one, in moderation).
It's a tough call and I am still undecided. I have a doctor's appointment next month and will revisit the issue then. For all its drawbacks, taking birth control pills would probably give me a bit more peace of mind than using condoms. But then again, they might also give me an extra five pounds I vehemently don't want and a month's worth of The Crazies. After all the crap I have put into my body over the years, after getting to a point where I actually like my body and respect how well it works, maybe I should leave it alone.
Lots to ponder...