Over the weekend, I met a girl waiting on line for the bathroom. She and I instantly bonded, so naturally, I told her about Barman Ben.
"Do you want to sleep with him, or do you want to be his girlfriend?" she asked.
"I just want to kiss him. Even once and it would be enough," I answered.
Her eyes widened, somewhere between awe and sympathy. "You love him a little bit, don't you?"
"I don't want to love him," I sighed.
I'm trying to get a grip. Yesterday, I signed up for a month's subscription to an online personals site, as a safety net. I'm still not actively looking, but going on a date or two might help put things in perspective. I'm busy with other projects, so I don't even have much time to devote to the site, but even registering felt like a step in the right direction.
There are moments when I get a bit overwhelmed. There's plenty to distract me, yet none of it is enough. I'm taking a big trip in March, to a foreign country, by myself, so I should focus on planning that forthcoming adventure. I wish the trip was tomorrow. I wish I could leave town for a few weeks, clear my head, get far away from Cozy Bar and Ben and these utterly irrational, overpowering feelings. I'll be able to avoid it tonight easily enough, and Friday I'm going to a party at Polly's place, but Saturday is the best night there (not crowded after 1:00am and Ben closes out the bar) and I don't know if I'll be able to stay away. Willow might have a small gathering at her apartment, which would be just the thing.
I need some kind of love intervention.
A person has only so much discipline. I've been focusing a lot of my energy on my new fitness regime and have been doing great. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my next career move. I've been putting a lot of effort into going to more events (readings, movies, concerts) and that's been fun, too. I was on this perfect streak of independence and self-improvement, content as could be, and was not expecting to be emotionally side-swiped like this.
I'm putting a plan into motion. I'm going to throw myself into my social activities, writing, etc. I'm not going to watch any more movies he's in. I am going to stay away from Cozy Bar, at least this weekend (if I don't see him, I think about him much less). I'm going to go on a date with someone else as soon as possible. There are already one or two potential prospects in the works (though ever since meeting Ben, I seem unnaturally drawn to tall handsome men in their early 40's).
It would, of course, be totally tacky to bring a date to Cozy Bar... right?