Thursday, January 04, 2007

One Year Later

I thought about doing some kind of retrospective post last week, but decided not to for a number of reasons. However, I do want to put down a few thoughts today, because my blog is now a year old. Woo, happy blog birthday to me!

Yes, exactly one year ago, I decided to begin an anonymous blog to have a place to freely discuss sex, dating, and relationships. I expected to jot down some thoughts and experiences and have maybe a dozen people read them. I didn't think I'd end up meeting pickup artists, dating two guys at the same time, crashing a wedding, doing drugs in the bathroom of a bar, writing two book proposals, taking the best vacation of my life, and falling into the worst depression of my life. As well as all the things that happened in between. Never in a million years did I think my blog would be quoted in newspapers, attract the attention of literary agents, television producers, and documentary filmmakers, not to mention get me invited to a seduction conference in Montreal! I never thought I'd have to create an email folder called "fan mail." I mean, wow. Looking back on it like that, it was easily the most eventful year of my life. I'm glad I chronicled so much of it on this site.

There's no telling what this year will bring, but I'm determined it will be good things. My job search is underway, my fitness regimen is in motion, and I have regained my passion and enthusiasm for life. More than that, I have regained my sense of romanticism. I don't want to view courtship as some kind of game or playing field. The less calculating and strategizing, the better.

I don't know how this blog is going to evolve going forward. I have honestly thought about taking it down (even though it would still exist in cached form somewhere, probably). I have some concerns about whether it might be a liability at some point in the future. Also, having recently rediscovered the pleasures of writing fiction, maybe that's where I should focus my attention. To be an effective diarist, you have to give a lot of yourself, and I don't know if I want to continue doing that. At the same time, this blog is a lifeline for me, a great catharsis at times, and I'm astounded at the varied responses it has garnered. So I'm not ready to shut down just yet. Nor am I going to take all the blood out of it by writing about less personal things. I guess I'm somewhat conflicted. And what better place to share that ambivalence than here?

I guess as much as I try to subvert it, what I really love is telling stories, whether they are fictional or autobiographical. That's something I want to continue doing, probably across various media.

Speaking of various media, one of Penny's listener's sent her an email commenting on her podcast with me and calling me a "playa". First of all: hahahahaha. That's just as silly as calling me a female pickup artist. Apart from a month or two last year, I'd never use either label. Don't I keep talking about how I'm into monogamy, love, romance, all that good stuff? I guess I can see how someone could read the blog and think I was somehow tainted, but I think everyone has had dabbled in debauchery, while very few people are actually honest about it (at least, in public). As I said in the podcast, anyone I'm going to be serious with is going to have to accept everything I've blogged about and not judge me for it. I also don't think I'd want to go out with someone who knew about the blog beforehand, because I'd want to share these things over time.

(I promise, I'm almost done with the navel-gazing here.)

What I'm trying to get at here is that I do worry about whether the blog could potentially sabotage a relationship (revealing too much too soon, that sort of thing) because I have done lots and lots of dating and I think I'm kind of over it. It's been tumultuous and fun, but I've always believed that when I meet the right person, I would pretty much know right away, not after five dates. And I wouldn't want that person to get the wrong impression of me based on what I wrote on the internet.

Okay, that's enough rambling. Enough recapping, enough introspection, enough thinking I have a solid grasp of this crazy little thing called love. At this point whatever happens next in my love life will be a complete and utter surprise.

43 comments:

MrManicDepressive said...

Happy First Birthday!

Mark said...

Dolly! Be smart!

At least keep going until AFTER you publish a book of your memoirs from this blog.

You'll need to keep the blog going a bit until the book sales go down.

Check out this British woman who did exactly that and made a fair amount of money:
http://girlwithaonetrackmind.blogspot.com/

Do something like "A girl's survival guide to New York City dating" or something.

PLUSES:
In the end, I predict you'll be sitting on at least $500,000 and have some security in life.

NEGATIVES:
You have to be prepared to be utterly exposed. You'll have to go on Oprah, Entertainment Tonight, and everything else.

However, once your 15 minutes are up, you'll be forgotten 5 years later and you can go back to a normal life. BUT, you'll be a much richer woman.

You only go around once! Might as well burn hard like a shining star!

Dolly said...

mrmanicdepressive,
Thank you!

Mark,
Your comments are annoying.

deb said...

Dolly, I just found your blog last month, so I had to start from the beginning and read through it all before I could comment! :) As a fellow mid-20's single woman, I just wanted to thank you for posting so openly and honestly. It's been alternately hot, hilarious, and heartbreaking to read.

Also, I wanted to offer a tidbit of help with your quest for true love, from my own story. After college, I had one serious, two-year relationship that ended (he moved out of the country) and led right into two years of fruitless dating (and, well, hookups). Like you, I tried online dating, but I met too many men who were just blah. Nice, smart, funny, but blah. I had this picture perfect idea of what I wanted (the witty college-educated Nice Jewish Boy), and I got nowhere.

Then on a whim, I went out with an online guy who was atheist, polyamorous, kinky, and overly opinionated with minimal brain/mouth filter ... but great fun and a great kisser. He was supposed to be just an FB, which he was for a couple of months. But one day we just hung out and talked for hours, and after that, slowly but surely, we fell in love. Behind the smartass was a very sweet and generous man who loves to take care of people. He's dialed way back on the kink (unrelated to being with me), and after I told him I refuse to accept polyamory, he offered to try monogamy rather than lose me. And you know what? He's never looked back, and has told me many times since then that I'm the love of his life and he wants to take care of me for the rest of his. It's been just over a year since we met, and we are now living together and happier than either of us has ever been with any other relationship (and he's divorced!).

So, that's my long-winded way of offering two ideas:

1) You won't necessarily fall for the 'type' you'd expect, and

2) Most people aren't "what you see is what you get". So that great guy who's definitely headed your way won't necessarily LET you know instantly that he's the one for you. It might take a little while before you see his true wonderful nature.

I apologize for the long post, but I hope I helped!

CoatMan said...

Hey, don't give up the 'blog - it's one of the best out there. Your writing is of a very high standard.

And happy 'blog birthday - many happy 'blog returns.

Anonymous said...

REGARDING SODOMY

"I also want a forum where I can speak freely about penis size, orgasms, anal sex, polyamoury, sex toys, S&M, and various other topics which may be too sensitive or personal to discuss publicly in my other blog."

I appreciate the fact that you have spoken freely about penis size, orgasms, polyamoury, sex toys, S&M, and other erotic topics. I commend you for that.

However, you have not talked about anal sex yet. Not even in a guarded way. And that disappoints and frustrates me. Indeed, I have been checking this blog every day for the past year hoping to see an entry (preferably, a very frank and graphic entry) about that most sensitive of subject matters.

If you were to end this blog without sharing your thoughts and experiences concerning that topic, I have to admit that I would feel slighty betrayed and manipulated. After all, that opening quotation definitely gives the impression that it is something you want and intend to address sooner or later.

Cordially,

One of Your Readers

V said...

It seems this is an on going problem with writters and bloggers everywhere. Censoring yourself. I've thought about it myself on several occasions and I've deleted a few entries, but only because it was linked to Myspace with pictures all over the place and personally identifiable information.

Why would you do the same? Nobody even knows you or knows what you look like?

Mark said...

Annoying? In what way? Like it's ridiculous?

That other woman ended being in newspapers, on British talk shows, etc. She made a lot of money.

Seems to me like you already have a head start if you want to jump-start a career in writing.

Hey, suit yourself. I'm out.

Anonymous said...

Mark, you can't possibly believe you're the first person to think of it. Do you?

another pretty dumb manhattanite said...

Hi Dolly,
I've enjoyed your column from time to time. Congratulations on reaching your one year mark and even more so on pulling yourself out of your funk. I'm happy to hear that you're in a better place. As you know, this is the first time I've been struck enough by what you said to comment on your wonderfully candid blog. I'm floored that despite how much you know about yourself that you truly seem to believe "whatever happens next in my love life will be a complete and utter surprise" when to many of your fans and loved ones it probably won't be much of one. But in a way, I suppose that very paradox, the silliness in which we do the same thing over and over, totally unaware of our repetition and fully expecting a different result, is the only place romance resides. I admire your courage in embracing the "uncertainty" in your life and am inspired to embrace mine. Wish me luck. . .


p.s. - Logan and most of his friends are great people but, as you well know, they have little more to offer you. There are others of his ilk however who, in their maturity, understand far more and whose company you'd likely enjoy (and vice versa of course)

Dolly said...

Deb,
I love stories like yours and am so happy you met someone special (and gave him enough of a chance to discover how special he is). My last relationship was somewhat similar in that I had major reservations about the guy and never thought we'd get seriously involved, even though we ended up falling for each other. In my case, some of the issues I had in the beginning were the same ones that made me realize the relationship wouldn't work in the long term, but I know that's not always the case. I still try to keep an open mind with any potential suitor.

Manhattanite,
I'm curious, what do you think will be surprising to me but not you and other readers? That I'll fall in love or that I'll fall in love and it will be doomed? Good luck with your own uncertainty. So much of it comes down to perspective. As for Logan and co, I'm guessing you're acquainted with him? And I agree, I think there are some cool folks in the seduction community (for example, I'm a big fan of the Pickup 101 guys).

Deb said...

Dolly, I read the story of your ex, and you're right: there were basic real-life issues that never quite went away.
But that's the trick, isn't it? Falling for someone who isn't just your romantic dream, but also a practical match for you and who'll make a good long-term partner and future parent. Big kudos for keeping an open mind!

Oh, one detail I totally forgot that will amuse you: my guy was part of the PUA lair in DC. (A fact of which I was well aware before we got serious.) So I've loved reading another intelligent woman's take on "the community". :)

The Girl Who said...

Happy bloggiversary from a fellow New Yorker!

Observer said...

Hi,

Interesting blog. I read it all in one sitting after being given the link a few days ago. Not quite what I was told it would be, but held my attention anyway.

You said: "...and think I was somehow tainted, but I think everyone has had dabbled in debauchery, while very few people are actually honest about it (at least, in public)."

There's a good reason people aren't that honest. You're taking a big risk putting yourself out there like this. I can understand the "fame" might be exciting. But is it really conducive to your long-term happiness? Personally, no matter how much I was into you I would immediately you consider you very much "tainted" if I found your blog. Then again, I'm a close-minded, traditionalist type. But I'm pretty sure it would gnaw at the back of even the most open of minds. Like that BFDavid guy. Lol, I just KNEW it wouldn't work out. Knew it, knew it, knew it. The only thing I was surpised by was that it lasted as long as it did. Think your blog might have just a teeny weeny bit to do with it? I sure do.

Give the blog up. Don't listen to your "fans". They don't give a damn about you. Your just a good read. You're being used. If you're going to prostitute yourself, at least get paid for it. If not, can this thing before it destroys you. (I mean, seriously, how many more years do you think you have left? Wise up.)

Oh wtf, a few more words. You still claim to find PUAs "cool"? PUing is a GUY thing. GUYS are supposed to find PUAs "cool", not chicks. Chicks who dig such guys are TROLLOPS. If you want real romance, LEAVE this world behind. Forget "Logan" and his band of "cool" PUAs. For you, that way lies MISERY. Or do you need a few more years before you concur?

Over and out.

Anonymous said...

wow observer...it's amazing how you can just attempt to sum people up with a few derogatory statements and are at the same time capable of speaking for every single person reading this blog.

personally, i've known dolly for ten years, and i like reading her blog. it -is- a good read, because she is quite a talented author, but it is also a good window into a friend's life, which is great since we don't live in the same state. she's not a trollop, but she's also not a meek annoying timid little girl either.

as for your immediate decision to assume that dolly (or anyone who is willing to admit to being sexual to the point that they are willing to write about it ANONYMOUSLY)is tained it pretty lame, and i'd be willing to bet that if you were going to make such blanket observations about women like her, the disdain might be reciprocal.

seriously, you must think incredibly too highly of yourself to be throwing out such aggressive and negative advice to anonymous people in the internet that you don't know at all.

Observer said...

Clarissa, I wasn't trying to speak for every single person reading the blog (how on earth did you infer that?). I was pointing out to Dolly that if it's romance and eventual marriage she is after, this blog is most decidedly not helping. I think I can quite safely speak for the great majority of guys out there that if they discovered their girlfriend's blog and it read like Dolly's their opinion of their girlfriend would be significantly, many times irreparably, diminished. Yet this Dolly actually TELLS her boyfriend about it! WTF?

What else do you expect? Oh, my girlfriend, she hangs out with PUAs, thinks they're "cool", she's a big name in their "community". What a catch! Lol.

(And that stuff about handcuffs etc. There's a reason most people find it at least risque, if not out right deviant. Most people can "accept" it, as long as it's OTHER people doing it (and talking about it) -- not their OWN girlfriend. Lol.)

Anonymous said...

you said her "fans" didn't give a damn about her, which would imply that you are in fact speaking for them, or at least for their intent.

honestly, you've stated that you're pretty conservative, and you also stated you read dolly's entire journal, so you might've picked up on the fact she is not the most conservative person on the face of the planet, and as such might not be looking for the most conservative person to be with...i mean, if this journaling experience has been really important to her, would she necessarily want to spend the rest of her life with someone who is really freaked out by it? there are -so- many journals on the internet these days, it's so commonplace, that i really find it hard to believe that the perfect catch is going to go running for the hills because of it.


anyway, you just use "lol" way too many times in a post for me to even respect what you have to say, even if it wasn't so caustically closed minded and judgmental. instead of saying that her journal is going to turn off all these awesome men, or that it might've contributed to her relationship with BFDavid not working out, why don't you just say that it would be a deterrent for you and leave it at that? it would at least be more honest.

observer said...

Clarissa, you can be as non-judgemental as your little heart desires, the rest of the world isn't obliged to reciprocate. Fact is the great majority of guys would lose respect for a girl who plastered her sexual exploits all over the internet -- even anonymously -- and would not enjoy spending time in the company of her friends who had read about them.



PS -- Lol.

coasta said...

This little repartee between clarissa and observer brings home a great point.

Telling guys about this blog is a perfect way to weed out all those conservative judgmental types. I mean seriously, who wants to get involved with someone who tries to impose their morality and values on you anyway?

For the most part, judgmental people are complete tools.

SecondarySight said...

Dolly said:
What I'm trying to get at here is that I do worry about whether the blog could potentially sabotage a relationship (revealing too much too soon, that sort of thing) because I have done lots and lots of dating and I think I'm kind of over it.

It is possible that guys you would be highly compatible with may find your blog to be a minus, but I also want to point out that they might find it a plus also.

Of course, I can't guarantee that this would be true, and I'm not trying to; I may simply be biased because your blog would be a plus, rather than a minus for me. In seduction jargon, it's a "DHV" ("Display of Higher Value," for the unitiated).

I know that many men, like observer apparently, prefer more sexually inhibited, even virginal women. I don't understand that preference. I prefer women somewhere in the middle between sexually inhibited and promiscuous, and I think many men are like me also. I would be a bit turned off if a woman was having several one-night stands a week from bars regularly; not necessarily because I would consider her "tainted," but because I would expect such behavior to be correlated with other things I find undesirable like low self-esteem or an extremely extraverted personality.

On the other hand, I am also uninterested in sexually inhibited or inexperienced women. I don't want to feel like some kind of dirty beast in order for sex to happen. I have enough of my own hangups about sex without having to shoulder hers also.

observer said:
Fact is the great majority of guys would lose respect for a girl who plastered her sexual exploits all over the internet

Speak for yourself... I don't buy your theory, and I don't think it's just because my preferences are different from yours, because I seen plenty of counter-examples. For instance, a good female friend of mine is quite open about her sexuality in our circle of friends. Yet many of the guys who knew her, even though she had a somewhat kinky reputation, ended up with major crushes on her, including me, and she has no shortage of guys who want relationships with her. Why? Because she was obviously an intelligent, beautiful, and mature person. Those qualities canceled out any negative judgments people may have made on the basis of her sexual behavior.

SecondarySight said...

I have enjoyed your discussion of the seduction community on your blog, Dolly, and I have found it balanced and intelligent, but you already know this. But what does this discussion show about you?

Well, something I think it shows is that you have empathy for men and understand, or at least attempt to understand, what many of them go through pursuing sex and relationships with women. For me, that's a big plus (but again, I'm biased).

Unfortunately, we live in a culture that gives women the last word on the world of relationships. This does not mean that women do not experience difficulties in relationships, it just means that their experiences in relationships, including difficulties, tend to dominate the discourse.

Yet this woman-centered bias actually undermines relationships, because an important component of relationships is mutual understanding and empathy. While you do criticize the behavior of individual men, which is quite justifiable, you don't bash men as a group; while you do have negative experiences with men, you don't paint yourself as a perpetual victim. Bashing men or proclaiming oneself a constant victim are both easy-ways-out that our culture gives to women.

Ultimately, I think the effect that your involvement with the seduction community has on men who read your blog will depend on whether they interpret your involvement as just another kind of crazy, hedonistic behavior, or as serious attempt to understand men.

Anonymous said...

Sure, some guys might find Dolly's blog a plus. Just as some women might think, upon discovering their fiance's endless series of internet lay reports, that they're lucky to be marrying a stud with such great social-proof. But the implication that it's a wash seems unlikely to me. Yeah, there will be guys like the actor Dolly dated who think no publicity is bad publicity, but such desperate extroverts are not common, IMHO.

observer is just saying that there are some men who will rule Dolly out as a mate or a relationship because of this blog. I think that's inarguable. Except apparently, by other bloggers.

Another odd idea is that since the internet is full of tell-all blogs, that it is somehow typical behavior. Well, every book in a bookstore has a publisher behind it -- does that mean everyone in society is a publisher? No, there are very few publishers.

And while the internet has made it easy to globally betray private behavior that until recently was reliably confidential, this might give many people pause. Fellow sex-bloggers can try to label observer as some outlier who can't get it up for non-virgins, but that don't make it so.

And is there a guy alive who, even knowing and admiring Dolly's blog, who wouldn't doubt his ability to move Dolly as much as some random unidentified bartender? What man could read this blog and not wonder, on the eve of marrying Dolly, why she had never presented him with a short story about himself?

An even weirder idea is the frame that anyone who would have a problem with marrying a sex/dating blogger must be some desperately-repressed Mennonite.

Dolly can't know, in advance, who would object to this blog. But surely they exist. I personally have stopped interacting with two women who blogged. The first one's blog never mentioned dating. But (1) that didn't mean it wouldn't should something not go well and she decided to blame me, and (2) her blog was such an endless fountain of prattle, devoid of a single interesting thought, that I was completely put-off anyway.

And the other girl's blog revealed that she systematically named and mocked -- hilariously, salaciously -- every previous lover.

Now Dolly isn't doing much of the naming thing...although if Logan/Affection peeves her she has no problem with knocking a hole in his public rep and thus his career... (Did Logan show up at your workplace, Dolly, and out you? No? But wait...doesn't that make him the good guy in that little catfight?) but that doesn't mean she couldn't.

It doesn't go well when a PUA's fiancee discovers that he has referred to her on the net for a year as HBhorny. Are women so blinded by the Empowered Woman frame that they think they would fare so much better when discovered? That the guy in question would pat them on their head and tell her, "You've come a long way, baby"?

Just my two cents said...

I've read this blog off and on for the past year. I've found most of the stories entertaining. Didn't feel compelled to respond to a post until this one and the comments it sparked...

As a former blogger myself, I too wondered how blogging could or would sabotage my real life circumstances.

What did I write about? Being in a monogamous relationship yet being tempted at the same time, and ALMOST crossing the line into adultery. I talked very candidly about my sex life and fantasies.

In the end, I went through a lot of self-discovery, chose fidelity, and worked out some issues I didn't even know I had. All the while, I chronicled it in my blog.

For the sake of my own privacy (and of those I wrote about), I used a pseudonym, altered some details, embellished some parts, and even excluded private and maybe even important details about the situations in my life...I even had a nice little audience.

I might be wrong to assume, but I'm guessing not everything Dolly writes in here is 100% true nor 100% of what is going on deep down inside. I'm NOT saying this is all made up - I'm just saying that Dolly knows she has an audience and chooses what she wants to share about ONE aspect of her life with an audience to keep them interested...why the heck else we read about her life if we're complete strangers?

Anyway, what I chose to do with my blog was to delete it entirely. Because -- even though it had a "happy ending" and I chose to stay faithful to my man -- I would DIE if he ever stumbled across the blog...OR if any man I would like to seriously get involved with in the future knew the kind of things I did or things that ran through my mind during that time in my life, I would be comfortable with that. But, hey, that's just me...

I'm all for sharing and intimacy, but there's something to be said about keeping a little mystery about yourself...

BUT if I had choosen to keep the blog around, I'd have to be prepared for whatever kind of reaction from a serious love interest.

Dolly didn't ask for it, but I will kindly offer my two cents: Keep the blog going, but know that it really could possibly sabotage a future relationship somehow. Though I don't fully agree with observer and the anonymous poster, they do raise some valid points.

Also, somewhere along the line the guy who really is the ONE for you may not be bothered at all by your past exploits or extracirricular...but it doesn't mean that he'd be cool with complete strangers knowing about it or that you voluntarily shared that kind of info with them in the first place.

Anonymous said...

just my two cents wrote what I chose to do with my blog was to delete it entirely.

Can blogs really be deleted? In the era of google+www.archive.org? I was able to read most of "Life By Design" (a PUA blog the owner deleted because his gf found out) more than two years after the owner deleted it. I haven't checked recently, but I bet it's still there.

Anonymous said...

Dolly hasn't gotten it on that many times in the past year like everyone here thinks shes some kind of huge slut. take a stroll around blogger sometime. guys who feel threatened by dollys experience are not-well i'm guessing they're not confident. btw if it was the lady or the tiger it would be the lady because if she really loved him would she want to cause him to die painfully because of circumstances he can't control?

realtor rick said...

The comments on this thread are so asinine I have to respond. I enjoy the advantage that neither my real name nor my posting handle are used on this blog, so I have total anoynmity.

As for whether or not to keep the blog going, it's none of our business. That's Dolly's choice, first, foremost, and only. The self-rightous vanity with which everyone under the sun offers their two cents is insufferable.

As for you Observer, who the hell do you think you are? How, for the love of God, does anything on this blog consitute anything even remotely resembling prostitution? Furthermore, if I cared about what you thought, I'd be deeply offended that you regard women with favorable views of the community as "TROLLOPS!" Let me explain this to you on the simplest level: Women are fascinated by two topics, relationships and the unknown. Furthermore, they're generally disappointed at the boring nature of most men. That there are men out there actively endeavoring to make themselves more attractive to women is a topic that many women could naturally find compelling. Does that make sense?

Furthermore, for pretty much any guy I've met through the community, I can assure that the Venusian Arts are little more than a glorified hobby. Most Venusian Artists won't go near a woman with a boyfiend IF THE BOYFRIEND IS COOL AND THEY RESPECT HIM!!! Also, Relationship Management is a huge component of what we discuss, so even a guy in a monogamous relationship would benefit from our advice.

I agree that this blog will actually make a great screening tool. The guys who will be judgmental over little things such as those mentioned here are probably very insecure and their insecurities will probably doom the relationship over the long run.

Having said that, as someone whose personal politics are well to the right of the President's, it does bother me when you refer to people such as these as conservative. Outside of a certain subset of evangelicals and catholics, most conservatives are just like the rest of American society. That really irks me...

Anonymous said...

rick;

i apologize, i meant socially conservative. it's difficult to use terminology like that these days without having it end up being overly politicized. my mistake!

Anonymous said...

Rick, I'm a PU beginner, but I finally came to that same insight (that it's just a hobby) last week after meeting a girl I'd never have had the balls to approach before learning of PU. I walked off with her number, exhilarated, yet finally knowing where PU belonged in my life -- a fun way to spice up your life (and others' lives), but by no means the center of a life.

SecondarySight said...

anonymous said:
observer is just saying that there are some men who will rule Dolly out as a mate or a relationship because of this blog. I think that's inarguable.

observer didn't just say some men, he said "the great majority" of men. I do think that's arguable.

G M said...

One year later and all grown up. I suggest you stop playing with dolls and -- :)

Just kidding.

Cahnman said...

It sickens me to say this, but I'm with Realtor Rick on this one.

I had a really negative opinion of that guy, but at this point I really agree with him about that guy Observer.

Rick, is there any chance I can attend your next "lair meeting"?

observer said...

RealtorRick:"How, for the love of God, does anything on this blog consitute anything even remotely resembling prostitution?"

It doesn't. The word "trollop" can mean simply a vulgar, disreputable woman; it doesn't necessarily imply prostitution.

Rick: "Let me explain this to you on the simplest level: Women are fascinated by two topics, relationships and the unknown. Furthermore, they're generally disappointed at the boring nature of most men."

Thanks for the groundbreaking insight!

Rick:"That there are men out there actively endeavoring to make themselves more attractive to women is a topic that many women could naturally find compelling. Does that make sense?"

Yes. Only such men are not so concerned about merely making themselves more attractive to women, they are driven by the desire to screw as many women as possible. That's not something I hold against them -- I'm a guy and seek the same thing. The fact is, the methods involved in doing so are often times deceitful and manipulative. Even Dolly recognizes this and, lately, laments it. Women who want "real" romance and long-term relationships do not enjoy being tricked into bed. Therefore, a woman who is "cool" with PUAs obviously approves of such methods, presumably because she is mostly interested in getting laid herself, and simply wants a guy who can create a sufficient temporary illusion for her to go ahead with it -- in fewer words, a slut.

Now, it's possible Dolly never thought through the implications of what she was saying. Indeed, in this anything-goes judge-not society, it's quite likely she didn't. Well, okay, people can make mistakes. Clearly, in the interests of making up for these mistakes, canning this blog would be a wise decision. (Not that I, personally, give a hoot either way.)

Oh, and just because you all love listening to me so much -- maybe I should start my own blog? -- I'll make a further point. Dolly has, from time to time, talked at length (ahem) about penis size. About how incredible it was to have someone with near Coke can width thrust inside her. I think can safely say most males will not satisfy such a standard. Is it wise to introduce such a source of possible (inded, likely) insecurity in partner? Would a woman enjoy knowing that a mate of hers had written at length about how much he pined for a huge rack on a girl, but pointed out that small was "okay too"; that, in effect, he'd "settle" for less than what he really yearned for. Probably, he'd be perfectly content "settling", but is it good for their relationship that his partner knows what he "really" thinks?

There is much to be said in favor of discretion. Unfortunately, so few seem interested in hearing it. Little wonder, then, that so few are able to connect appalling rates of marriage failure to the forces of liberal social values.

G M said...

Don't you guys have anything better to do? :)

Anonymous said...

~Women who want "real" romance and long-term relationships do not enjoy being tricked into bed.~

~simply wants a guy who can create a sufficient temporary illusion for her to go ahead with it~

For me, I'd say that when I'm in a long-term relationship is exactly when I'd most like to be "tricked" into bed.

I know the PUAs get vexed when women "don't take responsibility" and seem not to own when they want to have sex. I think Dolly's ability to write the way she does about these topics is part of what they admire so much about Dolly (and I admire about Dolly!). I just don't seem to be able to that.

I try to be honest and forthright in my relationships and pull my half or more in initiating sex but it just doesn't work out. I really need that "temporary illusion" to overcome what the PUAs call anti-slut defense. Maybe with my liberal parents I just had way too much sex ed growing up and heard too much of the down side of sex, but I think the logical response to sex is no.

It would make sense that when I'm in a serious relationship that I'd get more relaxed and more able to say yes to sex but that's just not how it works. I need something to overcome that logical brain and get me into a more emotional/romantic state. Sex when I'm in a logical frame of mind is a horrible chore.

Rather than attributing the "appalling rates of marriage failure to the forces of liberal social values", I'd say some of the reason for relationship troubles lies with men not realizing that some women (I'm not trying to speak for all women, just for myself) need help and appreciate help getting to yes (especially in a serious relationship).

I think what Dolly and the PUAs do is important. I hope Dolly is going to wind up with an awesome guy who is proud of what she does on her blog. Congratulations on a year of great writing!

Becca

Anonymous said...

Dolly in New York, is there an email address I can use to contact you? I have a fantastically stupid and unbelievable question to ask you.

Dolly said...

Anonymous 6:58,
You can email me at cocksanddolls at yahoo dot com. Can't wait to find out what this fantastically stupid and unbelievable question is...

Anonymous said...

Observer said: "men are ... driven by the desire to screw as many women as possible. That's not something I hold against them -- I'm a guy and seek the same thing."

I was driven by the desire to have a romantic relationship, period. I had gone 18 months without one before discovering this stuff. After discovering it, it wasn't a problem finding someone who would sleep with me. But the quest then turned immediately to finding more interesting, warmer, driven, complicated, funnier, and yeah, physically attractive people to be with, not just racking up the 'kills' you yourself want.

So speak for yourself, dude. This stuff gave me a social life. Now it's helping me improve it. One woman at a time is enough for me, and, I bet, most guys. If you want to be the monkey ejaculating all over the cage, that's you -- we ain't all like you.

Anonymous said...

Observer-"Dolly has, from time to time, talked at length (ahem) about penis size. About how incredible it was to have someone with near Coke can width thrust inside her. I think can safely say most males will not satisfy such a standard. Is it wise to introduce such a source of possible (inded, likely) insecurity in partner?
"

I dont know but it sure seems to bother you

Tis said...

Dolly,

Can you post the "fantastically stupid and unbelievable question?" from Anonymous 6:58?

Anonymous said...

Tis,

I'll post them on my blog if Dolly gives me permission. And yes, its really stupid. Non one in the world has this problem.

Anonymous said...

things must be going pretty well with the bartender if its been this long

pawlr said...

Dolly, just stopped by and was glad to see your blog is still thriving (my own is pretty moribund, I've been putting my energies elsewhere).

I really think its O.K. to keep your blog totally private and separate from your relationships until you're ready to share your vocation with a guy. Fiction is also a good way to discuss the same issues that you encounter in "realtime" without compromising your friendships/lovers.

Good luck to you in your new year bound to be full of great experiences.

Pawl

Blogger said...

Searching for the Ultimate Dating Website? Join to find your perfect date.