I thought about doing some kind of retrospective post last week, but decided not to for a number of reasons. However, I do want to put down a few thoughts today, because my blog is now a year old. Woo, happy blog birthday to me!
Yes, exactly one year ago, I decided to begin an anonymous blog to have a place to freely discuss sex, dating, and relationships. I expected to jot down some thoughts and experiences and have maybe a dozen people read them. I didn't think I'd end up meeting pickup artists, dating two guys at the same time, crashing a wedding, doing drugs in the bathroom of a bar, writing two book proposals, taking the best vacation of my life, and falling into the worst depression of my life. As well as all the things that happened in between. Never in a million years did I think my blog would be quoted in newspapers, attract the attention of literary agents, television producers, and documentary filmmakers, not to mention get me invited to a seduction conference in Montreal! I never thought I'd have to create an email folder called "fan mail." I mean, wow. Looking back on it like that, it was easily the most eventful year of my life. I'm glad I chronicled so much of it on this site.
There's no telling what this year will bring, but I'm determined it will be good things. My job search is underway, my fitness regimen is in motion, and I have regained my passion and enthusiasm for life. More than that, I have regained my sense of romanticism. I don't want to view courtship as some kind of game or playing field. The less calculating and strategizing, the better.
I don't know how this blog is going to evolve going forward. I have honestly thought about taking it down (even though it would still exist in cached form somewhere, probably). I have some concerns about whether it might be a liability at some point in the future. Also, having recently rediscovered the pleasures of writing fiction, maybe that's where I should focus my attention. To be an effective diarist, you have to give a lot of yourself, and I don't know if I want to continue doing that. At the same time, this blog is a lifeline for me, a great catharsis at times, and I'm astounded at the varied responses it has garnered. So I'm not ready to shut down just yet. Nor am I going to take all the blood out of it by writing about less personal things. I guess I'm somewhat conflicted. And what better place to share that ambivalence than here?
I guess as much as I try to subvert it, what I really love is telling stories, whether they are fictional or autobiographical. That's something I want to continue doing, probably across various media.
Speaking of various media, one of Penny's listener's sent her an email commenting on her podcast with me and calling me a "playa". First of all: hahahahaha. That's just as silly as calling me a female pickup artist. Apart from a month or two last year, I'd never use either label. Don't I keep talking about how I'm into monogamy, love, romance, all that good stuff? I guess I can see how someone could read the blog and think I was somehow tainted, but I think everyone has had dabbled in debauchery, while very few people are actually honest about it (at least, in public). As I said in the podcast, anyone I'm going to be serious with is going to have to accept everything I've blogged about and not judge me for it. I also don't think I'd want to go out with someone who knew about the blog beforehand, because I'd want to share these things over time.
(I promise, I'm almost done with the navel-gazing here.)
What I'm trying to get at here is that I do worry about whether the blog could potentially sabotage a relationship (revealing too much too soon, that sort of thing) because I have done lots and lots of dating and I think I'm kind of over it. It's been tumultuous and fun, but I've always believed that when I meet the right person, I would pretty much know right away, not after five dates. And I wouldn't want that person to get the wrong impression of me based on what I wrote on the internet.
Okay, that's enough rambling. Enough recapping, enough introspection, enough thinking I have a solid grasp of this crazy little thing called love. At this point whatever happens next in my love life will be a complete and utter surprise.