Subterfuge

Something is beginning in order to end: adventure does not let itself be drawn out; it only makes sense when dead... Each instant appears only as part of a sequence. I cling to each instant with all my heart: I know that it is unique, irreplaceable--and yet I would not raise a finger to stop it from being annihilated. -- Jean-Paul Sartre

Every period of prolonged action should be followed by a period of reflection. Lord knows I've had quite a bit of action these last few months, and being ill the last week-and-a-half has allowed for quite a spell of navel-gazing.

People are good at taking lots of things for granted, especially a healthy body. When the congestion and achiness came on and my energy plummeted, when I nearly lost my voice over the weekend and spent the better part of ten days barely being able to get out of bed, my depression increased, and I didn't realize how much of it was physical. Unhealthy body, unhealthy mind.

Anyway, now that my voice and general feeling of well-being is returning, I can solidify some thoughts that have been percolating in my feverish head.

I've been playing it pretty fast and loose with men. I have followed impulses, reveled in a chemistry-filled connection, and basked in the afterglow. I had unbelievable amounts of fun and lived in the moment. I wanted to keep my options open and continue meeting/seeing various men.

That attitude worked for a while, but I have moved on.

I am now accepting boyfriend applications.

I was thinking about how I haven't exactly inspired relationship desires in men by sleeping with them so soon. At the same time, I've also had relationships come out of previous promiscuous phases. Besides, Polly is in the same boat as I am and she doesn't sleep with guys as quickly as I do, yet she is also single. And when I have gone through periods of my life when I have been more chaste (no, really), the result was often the same: no relationship.

The conclusion I have reached is that we are single because it's our time to be single. We have a lot to offer any man who comes along with serious intentions, but those men have not revealed themselves to us as of yet.

I do believe there are good men out there. I think TV Tyler is a good man. I also think the fact that we see each other once every week or two, primarily for sex, indicates low boyfriend potential at this point. Quite frankly, whatever it is I have with him is not enough for me, but the way our interactions have evolved hardly merit a state of the nation discussion. I haven't answered his last email. I'm guessing I won't hear anything further from him.

There's also the matter of TV Tyler's roommate, Film Felix.

I have never met Film Felix. He and TV Tyler have been friends for a number of years. From what he's told me, it sounds like Film Felix is TV Tyler's Pretty Polly.

On our third date, TV Tyler and I started talking about our online profiles, and I mentioned that I changed my screen name. He said that his roommate actually pointed that fact out to him. I asked how his roommate would know my screen name and it's because I checked out Film Felix's profile (the way the site works, you can see the profile of anyone who has viewed yours). I became embarrassed, even though I shouldn't have been--it's not like TV Tyler and I were exclusive. I asked what Film Felix's profile name was and he told me: Falant [obviously not the real profile name]. I froze, because I remembered it well, better than any other profile; I could see the photos vividly in my mind and could practically quote some of his questionnaire responses. TV Tyler joked about how Film Felix should have asked me out and brought me back to his place, where TV Tyler could be sitting in the living room to casually greet us. I must have turned bright red at that point and TV Tyler cracked that he wasn't into threesomes.

He was a better sport about it than I would have been. If my roommate told me TV Tyler had looked at her profile, I'd be miffed, even if it was irrational of me (I'm sure that wouldn't be the first time in history a woman was irrational).

But wait! The plot thickens. Or rather, it kinda semi-coagulates. A little.

I was on the subway a few weeks ago, reading a novel in which one of the main characters shares my name. I reached a dramatic scene in which another of the main characters is introduced and I swear a jolt of electricity went through me when I read the name: Falant. The only time I ever came across the name before was via Film Felix's profile. Of course my brain, in its eagerness to make super-connections, thought it must be fate that I was reading this book which contained his unusual pseudonym and my real name. I was destined to meet Film Felix, I absolutely had to. It was a sign, right?

Um, probably not. I'm clearly taking my frustrations with TV Tyler and turning his roommate into my ideal because I haven't actually met or had any contact with him. Therefore, Film Felix can still be perfect in my mind.

Meanwhile, I realize there is no way I could pull off a roommate switcheroo. Even though TV Tyler clearly doesn't want me to be his girlfriend, I think his friendship with Film Felix runs too deep and it would be beyond awkward for me to start anything. It doesn't stop me from being curious, but I know this curiosity isn't coming from a healthy place.

Pretty Polly and I were discussing the concept of tabula rasa shortly before she named her new blog. The idea of clearing the slate and starting clean is quite appealing. It means rethinking some of my attitudes and behaviors. It means shaking off the last of these blues and approaching the world with a new sense of possibility. It means being patient and steadfast (and, yes, less slutty).

Every moment that came before this one is dead. Here's to adventure of a different kind.