I changed my mind.
The odds were not in my favor from the outset. First of all, Film Felix was the roommate and good friend of TV Tyler, who I had a month-long fling with. Second of all, there was a strong possibility that they both read my blog. If you think the idea of dating someone your friend already hooked up with is unappealing, imagine having access to graphic accounts of those hook-ups on the internet.
Of course, there was also a possibility that they didn't know about the blog. I'll go into that more later. What mattered to me at the time was that we made plans to meet at a local bar, which we did, last Wednesday.
I rarely get jittery before dates anymore, but I was nervous as hell about this one. I kept expecting him to cancel. I thought he might stand me up or bring TV Tyler with him as part of some kind of unpleasant confrontation.
I was as girly as girly gets before meeting Film Felix. I spent the previous night trying on half my wardrobe, settled on an outfit, and changed my mind three times about it the next day. I had to force myself to eat something beforehand, only because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach (someday, remind me to tell you my drinking-on-an-empty-stomach-during-a-first-date story; it'll explain why I never do that anymore).
There was something about Film Felix... I knew we would get along, even before we met. I had no idea if there would be any attraction (it's tough to get a sense of what he looks like from his photos and who knows if I'm even his type), but I was convinced he was somebody I had to meet at least once.
I prepared myself for any kind of initial awkwardness. I worried Film Felix might be a little hostile toward me or have that smartypants haughty streak that TV Tyler has--hell, I have it, too, sometimes. I knew whatever happened, it wouldn't be a boring evening.
Film Felix was sitting at the end of the bar when I arrived. I went over and stood next to him but to my dismay, I was actually tongue-tied and couldn't say anything at first. I waited for him to notice me which, after a moment, he did. We greeted each other, I made a joke about my initial reticence and started talking about the book he had on the bar beside him. Bringing a book to a bar, sigh. There's a man after my own heart.
We were seated at a corner table, brought our drinks over, and eased into a conversation.
That initial awkwardness I expected? Virtually non-existent.
This would be a good time to mention Film Felix's appearance. Definitely attractive. Wardrobe inventory? Jeans, a jacket, a tie, and a button-down shirt with cufflinks. So classy.
He looked different in every one of his profile pictures, and in most, it was tough to properly see his face. How can I describe it? You know those faces that you look at and make you want to smile? Those faces that you look at and keep seeing new facets of? Film Felix has one of those faces. A young, friendly, sweet face. I may be wrong, but it was not the face of someone who would read a girl's blog and then pretend not to know about it.
It seems like just about every guy I have been out with for the last few years has had blue or green or gray or some combination of light-colored eyes. Film Felix has brown eyes. This is just one thing that made it feel so different to be out with him versus other men. A lot of that also had to do with how easy he was to talk to and how comfortable I felt with him, despite the unusual circumstances which led to our meeting. The nervousness leading up to the date (Can we call it a date? Let's.) disappeared within the first couple of minutes.
I liked him right away.
I'll tell you what it is about Film Felix that made me instantly like him. He has this warmth which comes across easily. This will be the only comparison I make to TV Tyler, but while I believe, at heart, TV Tyler is a good guy, there's something about him that's a little harsh, a little dark, a little mournful. Film Felix doesn't have any of those sharp edges; his kindness is at surface level and he wasn't the least bit haughty.
The intellectual connection was definitely there. We exchanged our ideas on what happens after death and discussed human nature and touched upon a little philosophy. In between, we got to know about each other, too. Film Felix not only asked me questions, he asked some pretty intense questions about my life; it was great to be challenged like that. He also got me talking about things I am passionate about, which makes me very animated and expressive. He would lean back, look at me, and get this smile on his face, like he enjoyed my enthusiasm.
We didn't talk about TV Tyler. The more we chatted, the more I began to believe he didn't know about the blog. Hell, he didn't know about PostSecret, which is a huge blog with an enormous following. What are the odds that he knows about my little blog with its little secrets?
Initially, there were two reasons I suspected he might have found this site. The first was the fact that he wrote to me the day after I blogged about wanting to meet him. The other reason is, when I posted about wanting to upgrade coffee to drinks, a day or two later he emailed me and said, "I suppose we could meet for coffee. Or how about a drink at _____ Wednesday night?"
The thing is, neither of these things are conclusive proof that he read the blog. He's a big social drinker and so am I. It would have been different if I wrote about how I wish he'd bring flowers on our first date--irises, because they're my favorite-- and he showed up with a bouquet of irises. Or I mentioned how much I love guys in parachute pants (I don't) and he was wearing a pair when I met him. As convinced as I was that they knew about this baby, after meeting Film Felix and seeing nothing suspicious or I-know-but-I'm-pretending-not-to-know about his behavior, I'm willing to chalk it up to coincidence.
[Of course, I'd be even more disappointed if they found the blog and never told me... hint hint, just in case.]
As for a physical attracted between myself and Film Felix, I don't know. He kept his distance at the bar and there was no kiss good night. Which is fine, because I love the idea of getting to know each other slowly and being friends first, even if it doesn't go any further.
Well, it looks like it's not going to go any further in any sense of the word. Despite saying, "we should do it again sometime" and asking me for my email (we had been writing to each other via the personals site and I told him I was no longer on it), there has been no word from Film Felix. I sent him a note on Friday, thanking him for a lovely evening on Wednesday (plus, we each had a zillion drinks and he paid for everything, which was so generous... not to mention a little date-y, right?). I made it clear I would be up for it again, but so far it's been tumbleweeds in my inbox.
I should be used to this by now, right? And yet, it feels worse this time. I was so sure I'd see him again. Instead, I am chanting the girl mantra:
I thought he was different. I thought there was real potential for something. I hoped he wouldn't be like all the other guys.
It's been a week since I last saw him, so unless he has been dealing with a crisis in a remote part of the world with no internet access or telephone reception or he was hit by a meat truck, the answer is clear: He doesn't want to take things any further.
I had no will-I-hear-from-him anxiety all weekend, but yesterday, when I realized it wasn't going to happen, I was sad. Today, I am less sad. Maybe tomorrow I won't be sad at all.
On top of everything, after not replying to his last email several weeks back, I got a text message from Coldplay Guy last night. I don't know if I'm going to answer...