Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Film Felix

I wasn't going to blog about this.

I changed my mind.

The odds were not in my favor from the outset. First of all, Film Felix was the roommate and good friend of TV Tyler, who I had a month-long fling with. Second of all, there was a strong possibility that they both read my blog. If you think the idea of dating someone your friend already hooked up with is unappealing, imagine having access to graphic accounts of those hook-ups on the internet.

Of course, there was also a possibility that they didn't know about the blog. I'll go into that more later. What mattered to me at the time was that we made plans to meet at a local bar, which we did, last Wednesday.

I rarely get jittery before dates anymore, but I was nervous as hell about this one. I kept expecting him to cancel. I thought he might stand me up or bring TV Tyler with him as part of some kind of unpleasant confrontation.

I was as girly as girly gets before meeting Film Felix. I spent the previous night trying on half my wardrobe, settled on an outfit, and changed my mind three times about it the next day. I had to force myself to eat something beforehand, only because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach (someday, remind me to tell you my drinking-on-an-empty-stomach-during-a-first-date story; it'll explain why I never do that anymore).

There was something about Film Felix... I knew we would get along, even before we met. I had no idea if there would be any attraction (it's tough to get a sense of what he looks like from his photos and who knows if I'm even his type), but I was convinced he was somebody I had to meet at least once.

I prepared myself for any kind of initial awkwardness. I worried Film Felix might be a little hostile toward me or have that smartypants haughty streak that TV Tyler has--hell, I have it, too, sometimes. I knew whatever happened, it wouldn't be a boring evening.

Film Felix was sitting at the end of the bar when I arrived. I went over and stood next to him but to my dismay, I was actually tongue-tied and couldn't say anything at first. I waited for him to notice me which, after a moment, he did. We greeted each other, I made a joke about my initial reticence and started talking about the book he had on the bar beside him. Bringing a book to a bar, sigh. There's a man after my own heart.

We were seated at a corner table, brought our drinks over, and eased into a conversation.

That initial awkwardness I expected? Virtually non-existent.

This would be a good time to mention Film Felix's appearance. Definitely attractive. Wardrobe inventory? Jeans, a jacket, a tie, and a button-down shirt with cufflinks. So classy.
He looked different in every one of his profile pictures, and in most, it was tough to properly see his face. How can I describe it? You know those faces that you look at and make you want to smile? Those faces that you look at and keep seeing new facets of? Film Felix has one of those faces. A young, friendly, sweet face. I may be wrong, but it was not the face of someone who would read a girl's blog and then pretend not to know about it.

It seems like just about every guy I have been out with for the last few years has had blue or green or gray or some combination of light-colored eyes. Film Felix has brown eyes. This is just one thing that made it feel so different to be out with him versus other men. A lot of that also had to do with how easy he was to talk to and how comfortable I felt with him, despite the unusual circumstances which led to our meeting. The nervousness leading up to the date (Can we call it a date? Let's.) disappeared within the first couple of minutes.

I liked him right away.

I'll tell you what it is about Film Felix that made me instantly like him. He has this warmth which comes across easily. This will be the only comparison I make to TV Tyler, but while I believe, at heart, TV Tyler is a good guy, there's something about him that's a little harsh, a little dark, a little mournful. Film Felix doesn't have any of those sharp edges; his kindness is at surface level and he wasn't the least bit haughty.

The intellectual connection was definitely there. We exchanged our ideas on what happens after death and discussed human nature and touched upon a little philosophy. In between, we got to know about each other, too. Film Felix not only asked me questions, he asked some pretty intense questions about my life; it was great to be challenged like that. He also got me talking about things I am passionate about, which makes me very animated and expressive. He would lean back, look at me, and get this smile on his face, like he enjoyed my enthusiasm.

We didn't talk about TV Tyler. The more we chatted, the more I began to believe he didn't know about the blog. Hell, he didn't know about PostSecret, which is a huge blog with an enormous following. What are the odds that he knows about my little blog with its little secrets?

Initially, there were two reasons I suspected he might have found this site. The first was the fact that he wrote to me the day after I blogged about wanting to meet him. The other reason is, when I posted about wanting to upgrade coffee to drinks, a day or two later he emailed me and said, "I suppose we could meet for coffee. Or how about a drink at _____ Wednesday night?"

The thing is, neither of these things are conclusive proof that he read the blog. He's a big social drinker and so am I. It would have been different if I wrote about how I wish he'd bring flowers on our first date--irises, because they're my favorite-- and he showed up with a bouquet of irises. Or I mentioned how much I love guys in parachute pants (I don't) and he was wearing a pair when I met him. As convinced as I was that they knew about this baby, after meeting Film Felix and seeing nothing suspicious or I-know-but-I'm-pretending-not-to-know about his behavior, I'm willing to chalk it up to coincidence.

[Of course, I'd be even more disappointed if they found the blog and never told me... hint hint, just in case.]

As for a physical attracted between myself and Film Felix, I don't know. He kept his distance at the bar and there was no kiss good night. Which is fine, because I love the idea of getting to know each other slowly and being friends first, even if it doesn't go any further.

Well, it looks like it's not going to go any further in any sense of the word. Despite saying, "we should do it again sometime" and asking me for my email (we had been writing to each other via the personals site and I told him I was no longer on it), there has been no word from Film Felix. I sent him a note on Friday, thanking him for a lovely evening on Wednesday (plus, we each had a zillion drinks and he paid for everything, which was so generous... not to mention a little date-y, right?). I made it clear I would be up for it again, but so far it's been tumbleweeds in my inbox.

I should be used to this by now, right? And yet, it feels worse this time. I was so sure I'd see him again. Instead, I am chanting the girl mantra:

I thought he was different. I thought there was real potential for something. I hoped he wouldn't be like all the other guys.

It's been a week since I last saw him, so unless he has been dealing with a crisis in a remote part of the world with no internet access or telephone reception or he was hit by a meat truck, the answer is clear: He doesn't want to take things any further.

I had no will-I-hear-from-him anxiety all weekend, but yesterday, when I realized it wasn't going to happen, I was sad. Today, I am less sad. Maybe tomorrow I won't be sad at all.

On top of everything, after not replying to his last email several weeks back, I got a text message from Coldplay Guy last night. I don't know if I'm going to answer...

19 comments:

NotCarrie said...

Bust:(


I had the opposite happen with someone I was afraid was reading my blog. One day he mentioned Post Secret and I freaked out a little because I kept assuming he was not aware of the "Blog World"...yikes!

coasta said...

There is the possibility that he got hung up on a few things. you never know. I know it's poor form, but sometimes it takes me that long to get back to people, especially if I'm busy.

Or maybe he and TVT thought it would be strange to date the same girl...so he pulled back.

Maybe he didn't think there was any sexual connection. Could be wrong, but it didn't sound that way. Did you flirt much? Or were you more reserved?

Larissa said...

haha i can't imagine Dolly reserved, I've met her and she's a very bubbly and fun person.

so what did coldplay text?

Betty on the Beach said...

Don't give up just yet Dolly. You never know...but I know it's really hard to ignore that little voice of reason in the back of your mind. I'm the queen of making excuses for men and I'm trying really hard to stop doing that. This is a really tough city for dating. But stay positive and remain open to meeting new people and experiences. You are a beautiful woman and if Felix is too daft to see that then it's his loss.

N said...

It shouldn't really be material whether or not there was a "sexual connection". You enjoyed a pretty intense conversation, no awkward silences, a good night. Even if neither of you want to take it further as a sexual thing, surely some sort of friendly connection was made?

There might be a good excuse; I'd find it a little strange if I spent a night enjoying ANYONE'S company to that extent and they didn't get in touch afterwards even to say "thanks, I had fun!"

I'm sure you'll hear from him again, Dolly.

pawlr said...

He sounds like a really cool guy, respectful yet energetic. I know the circumstances (with TVT) are already somewhat wierd, but cool guys usually have cool guy friends. Maybe he's not into the romance thing, would like to be friends, but doesn't know how to approach post-date in that manner.

pookalu said...

hmmmm.

it was a very interesting post, and date, though!

hmmmm.

i'm slightly anti-man right now (not that i hate them, i'm just wary of dating them), as you know, dolly, so, hmmmm.

at least he left a "good taste in your mouth!" (i meant that in not a dirty way!)

StrangerInTheseParts said...

How frustrating! After all that back and forth in your head, you take the time to meet him and, basically, you still really don't know any more than you did before.

Yes your interested, yes he's possibly interested, maybe he knows about your blog. Argh!

You will definitely hear from both him and TVT again. Are you going to leave yourself open to whatever happens, or are you going to make a choice about where you stand and what you want?

Dolly said...

NotCarrie,
I think there's a big difference between being into PostSecret or Gawker and being into personal blog. I hope it turned out that someone wasn't reading your blog!

Coatman,
I think we were both on our best behavior. It was a testing-out-the-waters kind of thing. Did I flirt? A bit, yes. Enough, I think.

Larissa,
This was the text: "Hello there!" Steamy stuff, huh?

Betty,
How much do I adore you? Thank you for saying the perfect thing.

N,
Yeah, the complete silence is puzzling me. Maybe he's been waiting for me to update the blog!

Pawlr,
Good point. How often does anyone actually take a person up on their offer to "just be friends"? Except that, in FF's case, I would.

Pookalu,
Heh. Yeah, no more tastes in my mouth for a while, thank you. Hey, you sound like a prime candidate for our I Hate Dating Club. I think I want to make it happen. We're going to have matching jackets and everything.

Stranger,
Wow, I love your optimism! What makes you think I will hear from both TVT and FF?? Of course I'm open to anything that may happen! That's been the story of my life lately.

Stimulant said...

Awww. I know exactly how you feel. Losing the potential of what "might have been" is more often more painful than losing the reality. Chin up kiddo. There will be other boys and amazing connections

Damn It Anyway said...

Best thing to do is to assume he wont be getting in touch with you. That way if he does it's a win. Otherwise it's what you're expecting.

jo said...

oh man... this is the thing i hate most bout guys... sometimes when it seems like you guys had a great date and it's all going so well, they just pull the carpet out from under you by not calling for ages. hang in there. this dating world ain't easy. but i guess if he really doesn't contact you, then he wasn't worth it in the first place and this is just helping you weed out the unsuitable ones.

Serendipity said...

There's a couple of issues which your blog effectively brings into the forefront. So much of this game is about hinting at intentions and desire. If a guy *does* read your blog it puts everything out there for him to see. He doesn't have to guess at your interest, he knows.

Primarily guys focus on what you look like. However attraction goes much further than that. Whether you become good at this game largely depends on whether you acknowledge the necessity for it.

Hint: If you're still thinking that the ideal way to conduct these things is to be 'open and honest' then you're closing your eyes to some fundamental realities.

Dolly said...

Stimulant,
Eh, at least I got to meet him, instead of continuing to wonder what he was like.

DIA,
Yep, exactly. I have zero hope or expectations that I'll hear from FF again.

Jo,
You're right, the dating world is not easy, so I am taking a long vacation from it.

Serendipity,
Can we stop calling it a game for two seconds? Seriously, I think it's a big reason relationships get so complicated and fucked up. The only thing that bugs me more is when people call it a war.

I keep this blog on the assumption that men I write about won't read it. I waited until I was fairly certain I wouldn't hear from FF to write the post about him. If I had strong suspicions he read it, I wouldn't say anything about him.

As for your little "hint", I ask that you give me the benefit of the doubt that I know how much interest to put forward and how much to pull back. I mean, come on, if we were "open and honest" with each other all the time, it might lead to "healthy and trusting" relationships and we can't have that!

Serendipity said...

So you think the problem is the names we use to describe the interaction between the sexes? I call it a 'game' or a 'dance'. However I don't think the metaphors we use are the problem, not unless they're colouring your approach far more than they should.

Relationships are complex because human beings are complex and - fundamentally - we're perverse.

"I mean, come on, if we were "open and honest" with each other all the time, it might lead to "healthy and trusting" relationships and we can't have that!"

How do you figure? Do you think laying your cards on the table is somehow going to magically make everything wonderful?

Or is it perhaps, just possible, that human psychology means we value that which is scarce, that which is hard to win, that which is desired by others? You've met PUA's, talk to them. They understand this reality exceptionally well.

Much as we might otherwise wish it, the dynamics of attraction between men and women are not based on virtue. And though you might decry the use of seduction, the fact remains that those who know how to seduce have greater success than those who don't.

rivadavia8639 said...

This guys not email/calling back. If he does then he's testing the waters to see if you can be a booty call like his roomie tvguy does. Forget both of them and look for a guy that deserves you. You will know when it happens, just try not to make a game out of it and play the guy for a chump.

Any regular guy in NYC who goes out with a hot chick that actually is personable and tries to make the date work and not complicated would have got back to you in less than 3 days... With the quickness. It is not easy here- Watch "Hitch," and chicks don't get faded like that for no reason.

As for the reason dude faded; any guy can tell you that getting with a chick that your buddies been with is not cool at all. I mean you were hot for the guy before you even met him! To guys it's what chicks term "creepy" and is a huge turn-off. Women jump through hoops to get with a man that has been, or just broke up with their friend,sister,rival,musical and acting idol. To guys it is taboo, very uncool, and considered "sloppy seconds."

Dolly said...

Serendipity,
Okay, I can forgo semantics. Yes, I do prefer to call it a dance instead of a game, if only because it leads to incredibly corny analogies like "the cha-cha of love."

Seriously, though, the honesty I'm talking about isn't laying all your cards out on the table, but it does have to do with less strategizing and holding back. I'm talking about crap like waiting on purpose to reply to an email or call, refusing spontaneous dates even if you're free, all that Rules bullshit (which I have heard mixed opinions on from the male side). I don't mean putting yourself out there and being way too easily attainable, I mean behaving in a contrived way. I know how to seduce men, but unfortunately a lot of it has to do with suppressing parts of my personality, which I don't like. At this point, I think the best option is to be friends first and let things evolve slowly. My best relationships happened that way.

Riva,
TV Tyler was not a booty call. It turned into a physical relationship, but was always date-oriented and the one time we met late at night, I suggested a later time because of previous plans. Also, I wouldn't say I was "hot" for Film Felix, I was just very curious to meet him, because I thought we'd be compatible. It wasn't an overpowering lust that fueled that curiosity, since I could barely tell what he looked like in his photos. I know what you mean about "sloppy seconds", though (god, I hate that phrase). I'm sure that was the ultimate reason he never got back to me. And he wouldn't get in touch in the hopes of turning me into a booty call. I don't believe that's his style.

Since you were comfortable enough to critique my love life, I need to say a word about your grammar. I don't mean any disrespect, especially if English isn't your first language, but it could use some work. Please at least consider reading Eats, Shoots and Leaves.

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