Thursday, April 13, 2006

from the trenches of the dating desert

I got an email from Coldplay Guy. Basically, he is dropping hints to get me to ask him out. But he won't actually sac it up and do the asking himself.

What the hell kind of insanity is that?

Tell me, what is the point of describing a "comfortable and not too crowded" bar in your work neighborhood if you don't follow up with, "would you like to meet for a drink there sometime?" Does he think his ambivalence will win me over? Because it won't.

Don't get me wrong, I am not above suggesting meeting up. I was quick to do the initiating with Film Felix, because he was worth taking initiative for. With Coldplay Guy being wishy-washy and stringing me along, he is telling me I'm not worth the work. Which is deeply foolish of him, because I so am.

I won't be writing back to Coldplay Guy. The ambivalence is mutual.

Unfortunately, I'm also doing a little more moping over the Film Felix non-situation. Just a tiny bit. Sorry, I can't help it. I'll stop soon, I promise. This lackluster correspondence with Coldplay Guy just affirms how rarely I really connect with a person; I already know he could never measure up to someone like Film Felix.

NotCarrie recently wrote about how, ever since she refocused her relationship priorities and decided to forgo frivolous male pursuits, she feels like she lost her game. I can identify with that sentiment to some extent. Except it's not a matter of feeling like I am incapable of attracting a man; I'm still confident in my feminine wiles. It's more that there's no one for me to attract. I mean nobody. I go out and I don't see any men I want to talk to. Not one. Which isn't to say I don't still talk to guys, but I don't lead them on by giving them my number.

If that's not an affirmation that I made the right choice to cut out dating, I don't know what is.

Right now, I've got an all-or-nothing mentality. I'd rather hold out for someone really special than have dead-end flings. I'm too young to settle with a man who's nice but doesn't get the blood rushing in my veins. I know initial attraction fades and dopamine levels diminish over the years, which is all the more reason for me to desire that initial euphoria (might as well enjoy it while it lasts).

I want to make a distinction here that I am not feeling pessimistic or hopeless. I'm just coming to grips with the cold reality that what I want might take a long time to come around. I'm trying not to let that matter, because the rest of my life is pretty damn great, and I have all these things to look forward to. Parties and more books for the book club (I loved the last discussion we had!) and various friend meet-ups and a trip at the end of the month to glamorous destinations. And, generally speaking, I've been having this odd feeling that something big is about to happen. My song of the moment is "Waiting for the Miracle" by Leonard Cohen:

Yeah let's do something crazy,
something absolutely wrong
while we're waiting
for the miracle, for the miracle to come.

It's easy and not a little tempting to focus on what's lacking. I'm working on not doing that.

A couple of nights ago, as I was falling asleep, I realized that I no longer curl up on one side of the bed, leaving space for a non-existent person next to me. I have no idea when I retrained my limbs to stretch out across the full mattress or how long I've been sleeping in the center of my bed.

I'm learning to enjoy the extra room.

13 comments:

brisvegasbandito said...

hey just want to say i enjoy reading ur blog -

and its funny to think that in a city as big as NYC there would be a shortage of eligible men. But in my experience these things come in waves, before you know it you'll have more prospects than u know what to do with. or maybe u do!

good luck, i enjoy following ur adventures into the perilous world of dating

LaMa said...

I think Coldplay Guy's behaviour signals insecurity. He is not sure if you want him to ask you out. He's probably affraid the long silence from him has done no good. So he is probing.

Regarding the rest of what you write, seems you are coming of age and learning what truely matters. In my experience, this usually does not happen before a woman is 27-28, with some exceptions. Before that, they usually see life as a big lollypop and one big party. Sorry if this offends anyone and I repeat there are exceptions, but generally its true.

pookalu said...

you ARE worth more than just being ambivalent. drop hints my ass. tell him to grow some...wait, isn't that the name of a now-defunct blog? ;)

unfortch, there's only so much i can spread out on my bed...i need to learn to take over mine! and kick my dog to the side.

(btw -- i googled "cock" and got way too many sketchy links. very different from what lordt78 listed as a definition!)

pawlr said...

Dolly - I agree with your assessment of Coldplay Guy, he's stepping up to the plate but not swinging. You shouldn't spend too much time on a guy that won't go for it.

Also when you go out and see guys you're not interested in "wiling", what is it about them that's lacking? Can you briefly sketch these undesirables (or unattractives)? Just curious, since you're priorities have changed recently I was wondering if what's unattractive has changed as well.

coasta said...

coldplay guy = panty-waste (sic)

I still think the FF thing is more about him and TT then about you. In my place with two other guys we 'outlaw' dating housemate's ex's....after one too many debacles. You may be a great girl, but he doesn't know you well enough to screw up his current living situation/friendship. Just my op.

Holding out for quality is great Dolls, but don't wait ten years for Mr wonderful to show up. That's a lonely way to go through life!

When you got out, how do you not find ANYBODY that fits the bill in NYC? There's 6 million dudes in NYC!

NotCarrie said...

It's like all the guys we want to be seeing when we go out have fallen into some black hole somewhere.

I guess I'm a patient person and can wait for someone good. I hope so.

BrightonBeachDude said...

Dolly, you're awesome! Like your writing style, but love your thoughts and optimism and wit...(bla bla bla).....You made me wanna be on this site. You're gooooooooood You! :)

D.

Dolly said...

brisvegas,
You're right, it comes in waves, though I would take one solid prospect over several soft ones. Thanks for the luck, I can always use it.

Lama,
Coldplay Guy should have taken the fact that I was still emailing him as a hint that I was potentially interested. If he doesn't have the guts to ask me out, that's just lame, plain and simple. Asking someone out is not that difficult and not such a big deal. And I actually still see life as one big party, I'm just finding a more diverse way to entertain myself.

Pookalu,
You are so funny. And yes, learn to take over the bed! That and less frequent shaving are two great perks of being single!

Pawlr,
Good question. I'm going to have to give it some more thought and may even write a separate post about it.

Coasta,
I'm sure you're right about FF and TVT. Which makes FF even more endearing, because he is so considerate of his friend's feelings. Grr. Stupid oneitis. As for waiting ten years, I certainly hope it's not going to be that long. As much as my entire life is in NYC, I will go somewhere else if the dating world remains this dire (and yes, it really is that bad; don't get me started). At the same time, extended amounts of celibacy make me cranky, so who knows how long this next stretch will even last...

NotCarrie,
Is there some kind of hibernation period for Potentials that we don't know about? It's weird and a tad spooky to go from kissing half a dozen boys in a night to not even seeing one I want to have a conversation with. I hope wherever they went, they come back soon (and bring friends!).

wired rhetoric said...

Dolly, I think your odds are better in NYC than most places. Unless you are on the East Coast or West Coast, almost everyone is married by the time they are 30. Since (I think) you are younger than that, maybe you would a better chance at finding someone. But in your early/mid-thirties, there a dearth of single (much less eligible) men in the heartland. Although my best friend, who lives in NYC, admits her chances are better than mine, she believes things are less promising that one might think in NYC. She opines that becuase people stay single longer, that men are in no hurry and want to enjoy all (the women) the city has to offer.

Best of luck. I am addicted to your blog.

Stretch said...

Dolly--interesting post. WRT Coldplay, sometimes guys play it cool (too cool) in an effort to avoid looking too needy or eager to the girl, even if they like her. So if you do write a separate post on that topic as you suggested to Pawlr, I would personally like to hear more about how a guy can express that "Goldilocks" level of interest and get it "just right" without making her think he is desperate.

What is it about Film Felix that makes him more attractive to you than Coldplay? It sounds like Film Felix is also playing it cool with you but that doesn't seem to have dampened your level of attraction toward him very much. I get the impression that even if Coldplay were to step up and make a move, you would still be wishing for someone like Film Felix to come along, even if FF didn't seem to be as into you as Coldplay.

Anyway, don't get too down, these things come in waves, as you know. Are you sure you aren't dismissing these guys too easily? How can there not be one guy in the room you would like to get to know better in a city like New York? Couldn't your initial impressions of some of them be a bit off? Maybe they would surprise you if you gave them a shot. Would like to hear more about why you are disqualifying them.

From reading your post, it seems like your attitude is "other girls get swept off their feet by guys who had them at hello, and I deserve no less." While there may be some truth to that (I have yet to make a relationship work where the girl didn't 'have me at hello' to some extent), I'd like to hear more about why you wouldn't consider taking the time to get to know some of these guys better while you are waiting for "the one" to come along. Is it ever possible for "the one" to already be there without your knowing it yet?

Spill The Beans said...

Love your blog. Coldplay guy sounds ambivalent, and commitment phobic, and seriously, who has time for that.

I remember the first time I woke up sprawled across the entire bed, totally at home. good feeling. ;)

CoatMan said...

"Except it's not a matter of feeling like I am incapable of attracting a man; I'm still confident in my feminine wiles. It's more that there's no one for me to attract. I mean nobody. I go out and I don't see any men I want to talk to. Not one. Which isn't to say I don't still talk to guys, but I don't lead them on by giving them my number."

Proof that you are now an early filterer; it's exactly the same for me (except if you substitute "woman" for "man" and "girls" for "guys", obviously).

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