Sunday, April 09, 2006

Well, that wasn't awkward. Oh no, not at all.

Let's file this one in the What Do I Have to Lose? drawer.

When I came home last night, I sent Film Felix the following text message:

I need to ask: Did you find my blog? Please be honest... Dolly

The most appropriate reply to my doing this would be,

"Were you on drugs?"

As I matter of fact, I was. Glad you asked.

I didn't expect to get a reply. Coworker Chris, who has been my confidante throughout this entire drama, assured me I'd hear from Film Felix again and he was right. Earlier tonight, I received the following text message from him:

No, but you have until tomorrow before I start looking for it.

I answered in the only way I could see fit:

I have until tomorrow to do what? I fear nothing.

Ladies and gentlemen, I finally have the last piece of the puzzle and that piece is: TV Tyler and Film Felix did not read the blog.

At least, not yet.

You'd think that would be the end of it, but oh, no. It would appear that I am Fate's bitch these days.

On my way home from the coffee shop where I immersed myself in books for hours on end, I got this funny feeling. My Spidey sense was tingling and I slowed my usually brisk walking pace down. On my iPod:

It’s a strange day
No colours or shapes
No sound in my head
I forget who I am
When I'm with you

Here we go: I passed the street they live on. Nobody.

I walked further on, now a mere two blocks from home.

TV Tyler and Film Felix were standing outside a bar/cafe on the corner. They had probably been smoking, though I didn't see any cigarettes. Did they linger in order for me to run into them? Doesn't matter. Film Felix saw me first and looked vaguely amused. TV Tyler turned around and did not look pleased to see me. At all.

I stopped in front of them, pulled my headphones out, smiled a smile that was more good-lord-what-have-I-gotten-myself-into than nice-to-see-you and chirped, "Hi!" in a voice that must have been at least three octaves higher than my normal timbre.

I was floored. Which is funny, because I have been expecting this to happen for weeks now, even hoping it would. Considering the fact that they live three blocks away from me and frequently go drinking in the neighborhood, it's a wonder I didn't run into them sooner.

Of course, that didn't make the encounter any less excruciating.

Looking at them was troublesome enough. My eyes kept going back and forth between the two.

I'd look at TV Tyler and think, "We slept together. I shouldn't look at you, because I tried to start something with your roommate and you're probably none too pleased with that." Then I'd look over at Film Felix and think, "No wonder you didn't call me! This scenario is uncomfortable beyond words! You're still cute, though, and if I keep staring, TV Tyler might think I'm trying to flirt with you and this is neither the time nor place." Then I'd look back to TV Tyler and think, "I'm sorry if I handled things less than graciously. However, I can't look at you too long, because I don't want Film Felix to think I'm reliving sexy moments or having feelings for you." Then I'd look at Film Felix and think, "I get it now. More trouble than it's worth. Right now, we're probably all wishing we lived three continents apart instead of three blocks." And so on.

While all that was going on internally, externally I was asked what I had been up to that night. I rambled about catching up on my reading and the book club and about how tomorrow I couldn't help Fuchsia pick out wedding dresses for the third Sunday running because I was spending the day with my parents. As if they cared.

It sounds boring the way I'm describing it, but I managed to make them both laugh several times, and every time TV Tyler laughed that big full-bodied laugh I always liked I'd think, "No hard feelings, right?" and every time Film Felix laughed I'd think, "If you find me so engaging and amusing, why the hell didn't you call? Oh wait, I know why."

I tried to extricate myself from the whole gory scene as quickly as possible. Looking back and forth at them was doing my head in. The expression on my face must have been the very epitome of Deer in Headlights. I finally said goodnight and walked the final two blocks home, a smile of pained disbelief plastered to my face the entire time.

What a fucking relief. In the same way there was something liberating at the thought of having a guy I had dated find this blog (though it looks like that wasn't the case, after all), the same holds true of running into Film Felix and TV Tyler in the neighborhood. It was inevitable and I was hoping for/dreading it. I wanted it to happen, so that I could get over it.
Now it doesn't matter if they are ever curious/clever enough to find this blog. I have a feeling I won't be seeing either again, despite our physical proximity. I also have that closure which I was so stubborn to obtain.

It's a fitting final chapter.

22 comments:

LouseLogic said...

I love it. Closure...

Ps. Try not to pick on the scabs.

Dolly said...

Moi? Do I really seem like the type who would do such a thing?

Ahem. Don't answer that.

pookalu said...

seriously, i think you really made sure of this closure! i'd say you were insane for texting him, but then again, that was probably more logcial things that you COULD do!

love closure. well, aren't we all trying to get there! (and dolly, wish me mental luck today, i'm gonna try some of that myself!)

Lifestyle with BG said...

I used to really hide the fact that I was involved in the PUA community. I was worried that people might find out and shit.

And especially my girlfriend.

So instead of her finding out, I decided to tell her about it. This way I could present the community as I see it, because I can imagine that the community could come off as weird to some people.

I also told her that she should not tell it to anyone, and if she does want someone to know she should tell me, and I'll do the talking. That way I can assure that everyone arounds me gets a normal picture of PUA's.

It kind of cleared my consciense about things. I actually let my girlfriend read the field report of the night I picked her up :)

Ghettobob said...

BG, dont you think it's harder for women these days to come out and say they're promiscuous? Certainly double standards - even in a city like New York - would make such an outing hard.

You could explain it logically, but outside the PU community and a few liberal thinkers, their gut reaction would be "she's a slut".

Remember tyler durden's post about the secret society:

"Nobody judges eachother in the secret society. There is no such thing as a slut. A slut is only as slutty as people who are NOT in the secret society are aware of."

Loveandotheraccidents said...

"BG, dont you think it's harder for women these days to come out and say they're promiscuous?"

Yes, a lot of men are promiscuous. But that doesn't mean that being promiscuous - as a woman or as a man - is a good thing. It doesn't mean that women should seek "equality" by becoming promiscuous as well. A woman should never feel the need to fill her life with transient hook-ups devoid of meaning just so she can measure up to some men.

An example: a lot more men smoke than women. Does it make it a good thing? No. Should non-smoking women go out and buy themselves cigs? Of course not.

Dolly said...

Pookalu,
Other than the text message, a lot of this stuff has been coincidental. Now that I know they are blog-ignorant, think of how spooky the whole thing with FF really is! As for your own closure, good luck and be strong. Let me know how it goes!

BG, Ghetto, and Loveand,
I find it funny to have this "secret life" of sorts, but if I am going to get really intimate with somebody, I want to be able to share all of this with them and I want them to be accepting of it. I think women are generally more forgiving and, yes, promiscuous behavior from men tends to be something that is almost expected, since a man has to sow his wild oats. But what about a woman sowing her wild oats and experimenting with her sexuality? And Loveand, what is with the judging? A person who sleeps with three partners is not a better person than one who sleeps with a hundred and three. Everyone has their own way of exploring their physicality and I don't think women use sex as an equalizer, I think women have merely come to enjoy casual sex and feel less guilty about it in recent times. I am certainly one of those women, though right now I am in a mindframe where I want something more longlasting, so I'm dropping the casual stuff. The fact I ever did it isn't something I should be judged harshly for, though, and I'm going to make damn sure that my next boyfriend is cool with that. One of the reasons I think I'm so comfortable with the idea of a serious relationship now is because I got these wild encounters out of my system.

jo said...

that must have really been some awkward situation... but whatever brings you closure i suppose...

Lifestyle with BG said...

I actually got a little bit insecure when my gf told me about her wild oats.

I hated it. Somehow I was judging her, though if I was her, I would've done the same thing. Fucking double-standards, I hate that.

I'm over it now though :-)

Before the community, this shit would've stuck in my head and would've ended up ruining the relationship. PUA-stuff's not just good for pick-up.

Ghettobob said...

Loveandother..

“Yes, a lot of men are promiscuous. But that doesn't mean that being promiscuous - as a woman or as a man - is a good thing. It doesn't mean that women should seek "equality" by becoming promiscuous as well. A woman should never feel the need to fill her life with transient hook-ups devoid of meaning just so she can measure up to some men.”

I see where you going here, people should never do something just because someone else does it. The undertone to your post is that women who hook up with a lot of men are emotionally weak or whatever. Not so.

While I do agree with the fact that women have a different reproductive strategy and they generally seek quality over quantity this doesn’t mean they can’t or shouldn’t enjoy sex as much as men.


Like Dolly said:

“A person who sleeps with three partners is not a better person than one who sleeps with a hundred and three. Everyone has their own way of exploring their physicality and I don't think women use sex as an equalizer, I think women have merely come to enjoy casual sex and feel less guilty about it in recent times.”

BG.

“I actually got a little bit insecure when my gf told me about her wild oats.

I hated it. Somehow I was judging her, though if I was her, I would've done the same thing. Fucking double-standards, I hate that.”

That’s nature fuckin with you. You’re nurture (the community) has luckily made sure that you can control those emotions. Good for you.

NotCarrie said...

It would have been funny had he said,"Blog? What's a blog?"

Charlie Brown said...

Why aren't you honest and tell them what's on your mind? What do you have to lose other thant awkwardness?

Dolly said...

NotCarrie,
That would have been AWESOME.

Charlie,
You're right, what else do I have to lose? I think I should give it a little more time, but it may be worth a shot. I'll sleep on it for a few days.

lordt78 said...

Pickup lines for her.
http://lifestyle.msn.com/Relationships/Dating/ArticleLHJ.aspx?cp-documentid=375987>1=7996

You welcome.

Lifestyle with BG said...

http://www.internettime.com/images/edblogger0301.gif

coasta said...

>Pickup lines for her.

>"That's a cool pocket-watch. Where'd you get it?" (quote from article)


Jesus that's lame. Are their a lot of dudes in the states with pocket watches these days? I've only been gone 3 years....

>"So, what are you doing here?"(quote from article)

So, do you come here often? lol

Dolly said...

Lord,
I can't read the link, but if Coasta's quotes are any indication, I think I'll stick to my own natural charms.

BG,
Now you know what to get me for Christmas. ;)

Coasta,
So, do you read this blog often? That's a nice pocket watch you aren't wearing.

Transformer said...

Hi,

Just got back from an awesome vacation in Tulum.

I just knew they didn't read it! You mentioned Occam's razor before as an explanation that they did read it, but an even easier conclusion is that they just didn't read it and this happened some other way. I mean, looking for a strange blog could take a while. At least, I think.

I'm not gloating, I'm pleased you went for it regardless of your concerns.

I like reading about people who remember to be open. It's good stuff for me to take in.

Thanks!

Dolly said...

Transformer,
Tulum! Lucky you. Hope you did some partying among those Mayan ruins.

I went back to the post about FF emailing me, and did notice you were one of the few dissenting voices. You get a cookie. One of my friends has been convinced the entire time that they were blog-clueless, so I will never doubt him again. Except that he was also convinced FF and I would go out again, so I might doubt him sometimes.

Oh, and why the hell WOULDN'T you be open to things? Isn't that what life is all about?

Transformer said...

"Oh, and why the hell WOULDN'T you be open to things? Isn't that what life is all about?"

Long story short: old, crazy, family habits.

PS I had a magical, sexy time.

Betty on the Beach said...

How incrediblt uncomfortable that must have been! You poor "deer" hehehe...
As for finding your blog, they definitely haven't found it and they likely will not find it unless you've dropped any hints that could be plugged into a google search...if you have, then you may be in trouble. I'm feeling like they'll never find it - there's MILLIONS of blogs and if they're not avid readers of blogs they lack the necessary skills to appropriately find yours...of this I am certain. You're ok.

Dolly said...

Betty,
I think it's not only having the skills (if they know about Technorati, I could be done for), but having the time and determination. Personally, if I found out somebody I went out with had a blog, I'd do all I could to find it. But you're right, barring another newspaper scandal, the odds of discovering it are minute. And the odds of either telling me about it if they did discover it are even more minute.