Saturday, April 01, 2006

It's No Game

I haven't kissed a boy in nearly a month. Quite the transition to go from smooching six guys in one night to a four week stretch with no lip-lock at all, isn't it? But you know what? I love it.

Check this out:

'It's time to start playing a new game.' Now, how do you feel about that? Are you a. Concerned because you don't yet know whether you have won the existing game? b. Offended, because what's happening is serious and by no means a game? c. Relieved because you feel more than ready for a change? or d. a mixture of all the above? Saturn, your ruler is changing direction. Whether or not a current big issue is resolved, it's either going to get decided in the next few days or be 'put on ice' for the next few weeks. And whether or not you see it as a 'game' you're about to start honoring a very different set of rules and priorities soon. This will do you a power of good.

Scoff all you may, but this is perhaps the most frighteningly accurate horoscope of my life.

I realize it's a lot more interesting for most people to read about how I pick up/get picked up by guys than how I nourish my soul, but the notion of casual sex is becoming increasingly unappealing to me. Same goes for having guys in a rotation and seeing several men at once.

It made sense at the time: date around and there won't be any premature emotional investment. Then I started seeing two men regularly (TV Tyler and Arty Adam) and the plan seemed to work. I was able to pace myself (well, at least pace my feelings) and not care too much too soon about either one. Which made me pretty easygoing about things like having to wait a couple of weeks between dates, keeping parts of myself hidden from both men, and having no clue where the relationship might be going, even after a month. I even kept my options open by meeting other guys in between.

I got so good at not becoming emotionally involved with several men that I started to forget that, once upon a time, what I wanted in the first place was to become emotionally involved with a single man.

But hey, on the bright side, I did spare myself some serious heartache by not caring too deeply. Instead, I had a breakdown because I wanted to care, but created these situations for myself where I couldn't. I thought I'd be safe because I was protecting my heart. It didn't work out that way. Somehow, having things go nowhere with a cluster of guys who I didn't get attached to and weren't right for me anyway hurt more than getting my heart broken by someone I had feelings for.

I'm trying something a bit different now.

I have not been in touch with TV Tyler or Arty Adam. I took my profile down from the online personals and this time I hope to stay off for good. Where I used to rush and follow impulses, I will now go slowly.

I will think twice about what and who I blog about and keep some of my private life private. This does not mean that I won't be as honest and open about what I do choose to share. If anything, it will make me work harder to provide interesting content.

Most of all, I feel more calm and patient. Things play out at their natural pace and my passion has a tendency to mutate into impatience and unrealistic expectations. It's taken me long enough, but I finally have a lot more respect for the gradual process of two people getting to know each other, whether it be as friends or lovers. Today, instead of expecting anything, I have switched tracks and am accepting whatever crosses my path.

Wow, is that some serious personal growth or what?

[Oh, and this is no April Fool's joke, I promise.]

29 comments:

Rubik said...

The beginning of the end of this blog. Too bad.

You should have stayed anonymous so not even your friends knew you were blogging.

The only thing that's really interesting in this polically correct white-washed world is the truth.

Reading this blog was like hearing the inside track on women. Like being one of your girlfriends. Like watching Sex in the City or something.

Oh well. I guess we'll be seeing recipes up here pretty soon.

Generic introspective blogging on the horizon. Throw it on the pile.

You should end this blog, tell your friends you're through with blogging, wait six months, and start a new blog and not tell ANYONE you're doing it.

Regarding your new attitude, do you realize you have all kinds of references all over the Internet as "Dolly - the female PUA"? You were a "flayer" - female player. You were unique. You were alpha.

Now you're back to a typical lemming waiting for her prince - which will no doubt be a PUA with all original lines you haven't heard before in the right place at the right time.

You were better off being proactive then sitting back waiting for "fate". I think the whole "my time to be single" angle is a cop out. That's what all the 40 year old never-married women said, and now they lay in bed and cry.

You're young and pretty Dolly. Use it before you loose it. You aint getting any younger.

How old are you? 28 or something? What do you have? 7 good child bearing years left?

You were better off with what you were doing before. You were in a position to be challenging for a guy. You had proper perspective on how good or how not-so-good a guy really was. You had the power to get rid of that pickup artist when you learned his true age because you had options.

Now you're going to entrench yourself is self-righteous desperation.

You'll deny it, but please! You haven't kissed a guy in a month. And you're a woman with needs.

...easy prey for any PUA worth his salt.

Get back on your feet, soldier!

Fight, fight, fight!

I suggest you set up a stable of studs that you rotate through, so that when a REALLY good man comes along, you're not so needy and desperate. You can play hard to get a little. You can tease him.

You'll get a man you truly deserve and not scare him away by being too needy because you haven't had any intimacy with anyone for 6 months.

I've put this Match.com article up here before, but it bears repeating:

This is by Natalie Krinsky:
-----------------

Confidence booster #2: Date in multiples
Yes, I said it, and I’ll say it again: Date more than one person at a time. Not only does it give you practice, which translates automatically into dating confidence, it also helps you avoid premature attachment to one particular person. “If you’re only focused on one person, desperation can set in,” explains New York City-based online dating expert Ron Geraci. “You are invested in making that one relationship work.” He sees online dating as a great tool for this and suggests keeping several possible partners going at once (at least initially)—“someone that you’re actually dating, someone you’ve arranged a date with, and someone that you’re talking to.” What’s more, when you’re a little less available to the people you are dating due to having other options, you may find that your dates work harder to get your attention—and that can be an automatic confidence booster, too.

Rubik said...

Or here's another angle.

Despite how I rail against the notion of "theOne" on this and other blogs in an effort to crush desperation, eliminate pre-conceptions, and promote dating longevity, I am nonetheless looking for a woman to marry.

I refuse to believe while I'm slugging it out in bars and online trying to find her, that she's given up and is sitting on her ass somewhere thinking I'll randomly bump into her between her apartment and work.

My woman is stronger than that and is slugging it out trying to find me as well.

Sam Fisher said...

seems like this blog has always been truthful, which is what makes it enchanting to read. I presume this is what dolly is genuinely feeling, and despite having earnt a "flayer" image she is still honest enough to blog about the new feelings.

more power to you dolly. oh and as a woman you're well within you rights to change your opinion next week ;-)

Rubik said...

There are so many things in this post that are almost desperately irritating to me, I'm compelled to post again.

Specifically this:
"Today, instead of expecting anything, I have switched tracks and am accepting whatever crosses my path."

Let me give you an analogy:

You say you're an HB8. You're making eye contact with a guy who's a 9. He's looking back at you and you're enjoying the anticipation of it all. He'll be coming over soon. Then some girl who's about a 6 walks up to him and is all over him.

If he walks off with the her, you will no doubt lose respect for him.

This happens to me all the time in reverse.

I get eye contact with a woman, enjoy the anticipation, playing with her a little, and some less attractive tool swoops in, does everything wrong, leans into her space, corners her, etc and she'll accept him like a frigging lemming. I lose respect for her.

"Accepting whatever crosses my path" is an AFC lemming line. Don't do it, Dolly. Get your ass out there, walk right up to the BEST man in the bar, and figure out if he's good enough for you. If he's not, eject to the next one.

I'd like to think my woman is alpha and is as proactive in finding me as I am of her.

How cool would it be if an alpha male and female eye each other, each decides to approach each other, each gets up off their barstool, and they meet each other halfway?

Now THAT'S fate!

Rubik said...

Sam said:
oh and as a woman you're well within you rights to change your opinion next week ;-)

Sam, I was about to accuse you and everyone else of being a kiss ass, but that's more like it, if only just a shimmer.

The "year of yes" was the shortest year in history.

CoatMan said...

You read the horroscope? And here's me thinking that you were a sensible one.

Rubik said...

ROFL!!!!!

nice, cm

Dolly said...

Rubik,
Please stop posting in my blog and get yourself the psychological help that you clearly so desperately need.

Sam,
Thank you. It's nice to have my personal choices respected. And yes, I reserve the right to change my mind if I find my current path isn't working for me.

Coatman,
And here's me thinking you were a good speller. That early filtering is going to get you in trouble, mark my words...

Rubik said...

Suit yourself, Dolly.

I figured you to be a strong, smart woman who would be up to any challenge from any man.

Duelling ideologies would be interesting reading. You could use my own words on me just as I do to you. Surely, there is plenty of self-deprecation on my own blog.

"get yourself the psychological help that you clearly so desperately need" is such a lame cop out.

(sigh)

At least change the name of this blog from "The Truth About Cocks and Dolls"
to

"Safe Introspective Reading About Womanhood from Dolly - with recipes for all to enjoy!"

;)

LOL

Goddamn I enjoy busting your balls! So refreshing from all your usual kiss-asses on here.

pawlr said...

Rubik, I guess you're feeling disappointed that Dolly let you down.

But that's no excuse for coming on to someone's site and insulting them. In other words, you're being a total asshole.

I took down my link to your blog. Please do the same.

Rubik said...

Awwww...

Sad you see it that way, pawlr.

Opposing viewpoints are what makes the world go round and what makes for interesting reading.

Very well, paint me the devil.

I'll pull back into my lair of evil, now...

CoatMan said...

Dolly: Oops... I suppose that I don't really have cause to spell "horoscope" too often - either that, or it's a Freudian slip for "horror-scope".

N said...

OO-er, it's all gone horribly wrong! Let's not fight, people! :(

Let's face it, Dolly wasn't put on the earth to entertain us, and she's got to choose whatever path she feels is right for her, not for her loyal readers.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that you're reading a blog, not a novel: that someone's life is behind the words on the page.

I hope whatever path you choose leads you to happiness, Dolly, however slushy that might sound.

sophie n said...

hey dolly...

just wondering...

is it a case of not getting in too deep in order not to get hurt, or just simply having fun and meeting new, different people? why not have fun and do crazy things, so that when you're 40 and have stretch marks that could map china, you could say "i had my fun."

Stretch said...

Look, it's Dolly's blog, and she'll cry if she wants to.

Rubik has exposed a side of the PUA community that has bothered me since I first learned of it. Most of the people I have met within it are fairly genuine, good people, but some people take the lessons too literally and try to apply them out of context.

First, let me point out that one of the mantras of PUA's (ok, not just PUA's, but much of the thinking population) is "the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over expecting a different result." Dolly tried the "female PUA" lifestyle for a bit and it didn't work for her. It is hypocritical and selfish to suggest that she should keep doing that which left her dissatisfied just so that male readers of this blog can gain additional insights into what a woman is thinking prior to deciding to sleep with a man.

Second, Dolly didn't say she was taking herself off the market and plans to sit at home and eat bon bons until Prince Charming knocks on her door. She just said she is going to be less aggressive and more patient, because she sees this as the course more likely to getting what she wants. And I think that is a good strategy. Most of the "quality" men I know (in their more honest moments) would admit that the woman they dream of settling down with long term and raising their children does not bear that strong a resemblance to a "flaya" or "female PUA." And

Go ahead and crucify me for saying this, but a lot of what girls mothers' tell them about men settling down with the "nice girls" is true. Out of the last 10 weddings I have attended, I can't think of one bride that exhibited "flaya" behavior over the long term. It is just that the "nice girls" don't often go for the "nice guys"....BUT THAT IS THE SUBJECT OF OTHER BLOGS, NOT THIS ONE.

It is also insane to suggest she should blog (even anonymously) about details that would cause her to lose peace of mind if they were read by the wrong person. Blogs are supposed to improve one's peace of mind by forcing the writer to step outside of themselves and reflect on their thoughts objectively. This process is what brings out the psychological benefit of building "observant ego," and is what makes blogging a healthy activity. True, the sex stories might have been more intriguing for some of us, but it is the story of self-development that is more in keeping with why I started studying attraction dynamics and associating with others who share that interest.

Dale said...

Hi there, I've been reading your blog and enjoying it very much. Some of the comments are pretty outrageous -- nice to be talked about like you're not there huh? Anyway, great job, do whatever you're gonna do and eff em all.

coasta said...

Ok, while I realize Dolls doesn't need anyone to stick up for her...I've got to reply to a few of Rubik's comments...Cause I'm a little embarrassed. Onward in no particular order.


>The only thing that's really interesting in this polically correct white-washed world is the truth.

For women….this type of entry is truth.

>I suggest you set up a stable of studs that you rotate through, so that when a REALLY good man comes along, you're not so needy and desperate. You can play hard to get a little. You can tease him.

Women don’t need to do this, especially good looking ones. There is no neediness. If they want it, they can get it. Quality? Well that’s another story. But a stable of studs ain’t gonna help her seem less desparate when a good man comes around….cause that’s a RARE occasion anyway.

>Like watching Sex in the City or something.
>…you were a….female player. You were unique. You were alpha.

Girls can realistically do this for only a short period of time. It’s just not part of their genetic makeup for the long haul. Nothing wrong with experimenting….but then move on.

Girls who live the player lifestyle for too long become either extremely broken or extremely hard. The best female players?  strippers and pornstars. When you look at most of them as they get older….they become hard looking. Tough. Battle worn.

It wears on them. Most men can easily separate sex and love/spirit. Woman are capable of this, but it’s certainly not the ideal, not the natural order of things. Woman SHINE when they are in love, man. They fucking radiate. It’s an awesome thing to see/feel.

Where does an old battle axe go to die? What happens to the Elizebeth Hayts (‘I’m No Saint’), the Samantha Jones’ (Kim Catrall), the Edie Britts (nicolette sheridan), the April Masinis (‘Think&Date like a man’)? Mostly, they are sad, used, and lonely.

>...easy prey for any PUA worth his salt.

This phraseology screams of being stuck in a scarcity mentality. Woman aren’t ‘prey’. The Game is not a battle. It’s a dance. Women are partners. You just need to be smooth enough for them to say ‘yes’ to dancing with you for a bit.

>You had the power to get rid of that pickup artist when you learned his true age because you had options.

Ok, here you are just making the rest of us community dudes look like dickheads. I’m waiting for the obligatory ‘I see your schwartz is as big as mine’ quote.

>Goddamn I enjoy busting your balls! So refreshing from all your usual kiss-asses on here.

In Community terminology: Your social calibration is WAY off….throughout this entire thread.

Sarah Jayne said...

Hey Doll, where do you go to read your horoscope?

kevin said...

Hey,

Sounds like a really good attitude to have. I think it's healthy to get off the 'dating scene'. I've never really understood the whole US dating thing to be honest.

As cheesey as it sound, having the ability to do something, and choosing not to is pretty powerful. It's your life and you're being very decisive in the directions it takes. All the best!

Rich said...

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste

And remember what peace there may be in silence."

from Desiderata
~Max Ehrmann,

It's been some time, and wow have things changed on your blog. For my last published column this year I ended with a sonnet, I just finished the piece and it should go to presses tomorrow, so needless to say I'm feeling poetic.

I don't think you should stop your blog, but rather let it grow and change, because nobody what we do or who we become, we're all still cocks and dolls at heart.

Dolly said...

N,
Hey, sometimes it's hard to remember that I'm living a life, not gathering compelling blog fodder. Thanks for the kind words.

Sophie,
I am still very much interested in having fun and meeting new people. I hope I meet new people for the rest of my life. It's more a matter of being less slutty and also spending more time with the lovely people I already know.

Stretch,
Nobody crying here. And thank you for acknowledging that forgoing manic dating does not mean sitting around at home. If Rubik actually read and thought about what I wrote instead of psychotically reacting to it, he might have realized that, too. That guy is going to give PUAs a bad name, not that you guys have a good name to begin with; you should keep him on a leash. I'm actually pleased with the way I'm evolving and I don't see it as sucking up if you or any other commenters support that. I see it as general encouragement, which I appreciate.

Dale,
Yeah, it's pretty wild to have such strong reactions to my words. At the same time, it's better than having no reaction at all.

Coasta,
As I said in a reply above, this Rubik dude is going to bring you PUAs way, way down. I know there's always going to be a couple of shady ones, but no woman will ever think well of PUA community if you have guys like him representing the gospel. It's hard enough for me to convince my female friends that all PUAs aren't assholes, and ones like him doesn't make it easier. Either way, thank you for actually understanding what I wrote and replying thoughtfully. You're right, I'm not needy or desperate and I won't be even if I stay celibate for the next year. It's a choice. I'm holding out for quality. I like to think that still makes me pretty alpha, because I am in control of my behavior.

Sarah Jayne,
www.cainer.com

Kevin,
Thank you. I agree, there is power in being able to do something and choosing not to. I don't see this as contradicting my "say yes" mentality, because I am still being open to opportunities. I am just being far more discerning when it comes to opportunities with penises.

NotCarrie said...

I totally understand about keeping some things private yet being honest about what IS put out there.

jo said...

i've always enjoyed your blog... when you were talking bout all those men... and even now when you're talking bout cleaning up your act. i think it shows maturity. and i found myself ni such agreement with what you said in this post. for the longest time i've been trying not to get too emotionally involved for fear of getting hurt. when deep down what i want is to get emotionally involved with a guy that's worth it. meeting all these different guys is fun in some way but at the same time it's not what i really want ultimately. and i think i just wind up getting more heartbroken.

so you want to change the game? you wanna clean up your act? i'm with you.

Larissa said...

good for you girl. personal growth indeed, do what's best for yourself, don't worry about entertaining us. dating or no, your writing will keep us amused :-)

Dolly said...

NotCarrie,
It can be a tough balance, right? Sometimes the things in your life that are the most interesting are the ones you don't want to mar by blogging about them...

Jo,
Good for you, too! If we demand better standards, I see no reason why we shouldn't get them, as long as we're willing to be a bit more patient.

Larissa,
If anything, I think your blog is a perfect example of how you can be compelling without neccessarily being scandalous.

Charlie Brown said...

The tools of attraction are yours now. Using them or not is entirely your choice. I can’t really relate to the feelings of a cute girl about relationships. For a guy, having sex with a girl is often proof that she has strong feelings for him. But for you girls, it must be tough not to know if the guy really is into you. The woman’s feeling of being loved probably takes more time.
All the PUA stuff is meant for horny guys who have no clue about seduction or social skills, it shouldn’t apply to people like you. However, you’re still wiser after having read it and experienced some of it. Whatever you think makes you feel best, do that. You don’t need any advice anymore.

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