It's No Game

I haven't kissed a boy in nearly a month. Quite the transition to go from smooching six guys in one night to a four week stretch with no lip-lock at all, isn't it? But you know what? I love it.

Check this out:

'It's time to start playing a new game.' Now, how do you feel about that? Are you a. Concerned because you don't yet know whether you have won the existing game? b. Offended, because what's happening is serious and by no means a game? c. Relieved because you feel more than ready for a change? or d. a mixture of all the above? Saturn, your ruler is changing direction. Whether or not a current big issue is resolved, it's either going to get decided in the next few days or be 'put on ice' for the next few weeks. And whether or not you see it as a 'game' you're about to start honoring a very different set of rules and priorities soon. This will do you a power of good.

Scoff all you may, but this is perhaps the most frighteningly accurate horoscope of my life.

I realize it's a lot more interesting for most people to read about how I pick up/get picked up by guys than how I nourish my soul, but the notion of casual sex is becoming increasingly unappealing to me. Same goes for having guys in a rotation and seeing several men at once.

It made sense at the time: date around and there won't be any premature emotional investment. Then I started seeing two men regularly (TV Tyler and Arty Adam) and the plan seemed to work. I was able to pace myself (well, at least pace my feelings) and not care too much too soon about either one. Which made me pretty easygoing about things like having to wait a couple of weeks between dates, keeping parts of myself hidden from both men, and having no clue where the relationship might be going, even after a month. I even kept my options open by meeting other guys in between.

I got so good at not becoming emotionally involved with several men that I started to forget that, once upon a time, what I wanted in the first place was to become emotionally involved with a single man.

But hey, on the bright side, I did spare myself some serious heartache by not caring too deeply. Instead, I had a breakdown because I wanted to care, but created these situations for myself where I couldn't. I thought I'd be safe because I was protecting my heart. It didn't work out that way. Somehow, having things go nowhere with a cluster of guys who I didn't get attached to and weren't right for me anyway hurt more than getting my heart broken by someone I had feelings for.

I'm trying something a bit different now.

I have not been in touch with TV Tyler or Arty Adam. I took my profile down from the online personals and this time I hope to stay off for good. Where I used to rush and follow impulses, I will now go slowly.

I will think twice about what and who I blog about and keep some of my private life private. This does not mean that I won't be as honest and open about what I do choose to share. If anything, it will make me work harder to provide interesting content.

Most of all, I feel more calm and patient. Things play out at their natural pace and my passion has a tendency to mutate into impatience and unrealistic expectations. It's taken me long enough, but I finally have a lot more respect for the gradual process of two people getting to know each other, whether it be as friends or lovers. Today, instead of expecting anything, I have switched tracks and am accepting whatever crosses my path.

Wow, is that some serious personal growth or what?

[Oh, and this is no April Fool's joke, I promise.]