Oneitis, thy name is Film Felix

I have recently been asked two questions, whose answers merit a post of their own.

1. What makes Film Felix so special?

Part of it I can explain and part of it I can't. Sometimes it's tough to extrapolate why you get hung up on a certain person, it just happens.

First of all, there are the circumstances around which we met. Being a sucker for all things relating to Destiny, the numerous "coincidences" bowled me over. I thought maybe there was an element of Meant to Be about the whole thing. I know it's dangerous to be a fatalist, and the last thing I want is more comments telling me how "irrational" or "insensible" I'm being. However, my instincts have been very dead on before and I'm not one of those materialists who only believes in what I see; I sense things. Whether or not you buy into that is up to you, but I'd rather not get any further criticism about it, thanks.

Of course, the next logical question would be whether I built Film Felix up in my head before I even met him? Actually, I was expecting him to be wildly intelligent, but braced myself for a cold and pretentious man. I was utterly shocked at how sweet and down-to-earth and present he was. I felt like we were both completely in the moment during those hours we spent drinking and chatting. Sure, there was a certain amount of guardedness, but he radiated a kindness and warmth that has haunted me ever since.

Then there are all the things we have in common. Both of us are extremely passionate about the arts and have avant garde leanings. At one point in the conversation, I was quoting a scene from one of my favorite indie films and he corrected my phrasing, because I happen to be describing his favorite scene from the the same movie (and I'm talking about a film that only a handful of people I know have even seen).

More important than similar tastes was the way we were able to instantly delve into a big philosophical discussion on our views of life. We talked about things a lot of people don't even think about, and even though our opinions did not always converge, we were clearly at similar levels of introspection. Not only that, but he seemed to want to assert his individuality on the world as much as I do. Where I call them "normals" he calls them "sheep." This was a man I thought could really understand me.

Above everything else, I could tell, with utmost certainty, he is a good guy, a gentleman. He seemed like the kind of guy who would get a girl flowers for no reason.

This brings me to the second question:

2. In a city with six million men, how is possible for you not to find anyone you want to date?

First of all, I think when a woman decides she is no longer interested in casual flings, she puts out a different energy and men can pick up on that. It's not that I am more closed off, it's that I don't keep an eye out as much as I used to. If I'm out with friends, I don't scope the crowd the way I did before. When I'm walking down the street, I don't really zero in on passing strangers. I'm content in my environment and don't have that "who's next" mentality so much anymore. This makes for fewer encounters.

Quitting the online dating game has a lot to do with it, too. After a while, all the pictures and profiles blur together and it seems like it's the same people on there, over and over again.

That doesn't only apply to the internet. I think a reason I don't find many men attractive these days is because, in some ways, they have all become indistinguishable to me. Nobody I have seen has stood out from the crowd and made me think, I want to know you.

New York City is not known for its aggressive men, quite the opposite. Since there are half a million more single women here than men, the females often take the role of the pursuer. I have done that, but I think it's lame for guys to be so lazy. I want a man who will actually have the courage to take the lead, which is tough for me, because I present myself as a rather assertive gal. I realize my visible strength of character is a handicap and may intimidate some men. Oh well.

This is why I have spent a lot of time defending pick-up artists. These guys are learning how to approach women and generate attraction.

On the flipside, though, I'm a little tired of all the routines. The guys who don't run game are either too passive or uninspiring (at the Tall Club meeting last week, I actually heard one man trying to pick up Polly ask, "so what do you like to do for fun?") and the guys who do run game make me suspicious, because I usually assume they use the same routines over and over again and are looking to build a harem.

One huge issue I also want to bring up is manners. I meet so few gentlemen these days. A while back, I stayed out late with a male friend, and he didn't make sure I was safely in a taxi before going off in his own direction. He left me on the street by myself in the middle of the night. I was disappointed at the lack of manners. When Polly wrote about a date she had where the guy walked ahead of her to the table and selected the more comfortable seat, everyone was up in arms that she was so upset about it. Yet it's these little graces that reveal a person's true nature. It goes both ways, too. Think of that scene from A Bronx Tale, where Robert de Niro tells his son, if a girl in your car doesn't lean over and unlock your door from inside, she's a pig. Maybe these courtesies are outmoded, but they still mean something to me.

It's probably becoming clearer why it's tough for me to find real contenders, right?

There are certain things I will not be flexible about: fierce intelligence, a kind heart, good manners, and that X factor.

We all know what the X factor is, but explaining it is nearly impossible. It's that certain something that generates an immediacy, an intrigue, a rush (and I'm not talking about lust). It's not something you can study and learn to create because it is based in more than human psychology and physiology. It is based in something less scientific and more nebulous.

I have met a lot of smart men and and polite men, and even a few kind men, but the only man I have met in years who had all of that plus the X factor was FIlm Felix. This is why I can't get him out of my mind.

But I'm going to try. I'm not going to return to full-on slutty mode, but I think I'm going to need to kiss at least one more guy to get past this. I'm trying to let go. I realize how utterly ludicrous it is to still be thinking about someone I spent five hours with and didn't even kiss.

I'm going to a party tonight. Who knows what might happen...