Friday, April 20, 2007

coming out

I asked BT if he found the blog (via text; it's always texts). He said no, that he gave up looking.

I could have left it there, taken it on faith that he didn't and wouldn't discover it.

"They always find the blog," Polly said.

It's true. As soon as they know you have a blog, unless you are super-stealthy, it's bound to be found. And I'm not stealth girl. Magazine Mitch once said that I'm so mysterious, that I have so many secrets. While hearing that makes me feel like some kind of sexy spy movie villain, it also makes me think of being somewhat duplicitous. Some people know about Dolly, some people know Real Me, but there are only a handful of people who know both. Anybody I'm going to date even semi-seriously should know both.

Even though BT and I are technically not in a relationship, I was glad to know he was that curious about me, and the blog, even if it was to see what I wrote about him. Considering all the hurdles we have between us, I didn't want the blog to be another potential issue, so I gave him the link. After all, I was already writing posts with a view that he would eventually read them. Might as well make it sooner than later. And if there has been an overriding theme to our interractions (besides alcohol), it's been honesty. Which has also been a theme in keeping this blog.

BT didn't go into the archives, and said I was "comprehensive" in my chronicle. He called my writing "great", which is always nice for the ego (I also believe you should not date anyone whose creative talent you don't believe in). He also sent me an email explaining his current situation in a bit more detail. Look at that, two people communicating, sharing and getting to know each other a bit better.

There have been a lot more text messages this week. We're supposed to see each other over the weekend. A proper date, perhaps?

I'm staying rational about the whole thing. Keeping my options open, paying attention to how I feel.

I've dated issue guys, and I am no longer under the illusion that I can offer some kind of cure to their problems. The last time I succumbed to the bird-with-broken-wing syndrome, I got involved with a chronically depressed man who not only brought me down with him, but shattered my self-esteem in the process. I know, I know, he didn't do it to me, I allowed it to be done to myself. Even so, the relationship mutated into something morbid and emotionally abusive, to a point where I didn't believe I deserved any better. That was a couple of years ago, and since then I have developed a hell of a lot more self-respect and inner strength. Today, I like who I am, and I know I deserve to be treated well.

Luckily, BT is also aware of my awesomeness, and made it clear he doesn't want to hurt me. Good, and ditto. It's kind of a quandry, because while we are working through our personal shit, I know there's still a connection. A chemistry that I don't want to ignore. At the same time, there's a lot I don't know about him and his daily life, and I need to be so very careful with these feelings of mine.

All I know is, we're at the beginning and the beginning needs to be fun. Both people need to feel good together. I promised myself I'd keep a level head about this and I am sticking to that promise. No angst, no tears, just a lot of awareness and maybe a little bit of caution. How very sensible of me.


Jack Roy said...

Curses, there's the end of yet another storyline. Honesty is boring, Dolly. Where's the peril? the tension? the wondering if he's found it yet, if he will soon, what will he think? or what does he already think?

Well, it's certainly better from the relationship perspective. But for those who get our vicarious excitement from this blog, not so much.

Ellegant said...

I've only begun reading, but from the last few posts, it does seem as if you and BT are at the beggining of a relationship. Sure there's still ton to learn about each other, but honesty from the beggining is great. It doesn't cut out excitement and I certainly don't think it's boring. I'm sure you're still wondering things about how he's been thinking. That'll go on for awhile :).

Jane is Dating said...

Lurker here- coming out :)
Funny that I'm completely opposite. NO ONE I know knows about my blog- they know I keep a journal but have never ventured to ask more and I try my best to protect my identity because I don't want to censor myself or write knowing someone I care about is watching because let's face it- there will be one day I'll have a 'bitch'fest about him or her. Good for you though! Best of luck this weekend. :)

Vicious said...

Why only text? I mean, is this how things are done nowadays? I hate texting. Personally, I hate the sound of my own voice. But still, it seems so cold not to call.

Free Trinity said...

Danger Will Robinson, Danger...