Monday, April 02, 2007

a watched phone doesn't ring

I was sure Barman BT would call by now. I thought if he was direct enough to send me a text, message asking me out within hours of meeting me (to which I replied the next morning, affirmitavely), he'd call by the end of the weekend to plan the date. At the very least, he should have called by tonight.

This is what I hate about dating more than anything else: the waiting for a guy to call. I've said this before and I'll say it again. I can survive catastrophes on all different levels, but make me wait a little too long for a guy I like to call and it's only a matter of time before I'm ready to be fitted for a straitjacket.

I pick my battles. The cute sculptor I met on Saturday at Cozy Bar after yelling at him for sending text messages in the ladies room and holding up the line, but who took a fancy to me anyway, asked me out and got my number? I don't expect to hear from him, and I am okay with that. In fact, I am pretty much that way with any man I meet in a bar; I know it's not an atmosphere that caters to fostering serious relationships.

With BT, I thought it was different. I thought he was a contender. After talking to Podcast Penny about me, he said,

"Did you just make a love connection? I think you just made a love connection." (In reference to him and me; this was shortly after referring to me as his future wife.)

Maybe I'm a sucker, maybe he talks about women like this all the time. After the emotional hallucination that was Barman Ben, I clearly need to refine my instincts a bit. Nevertheless, I did sense a connection with BT and, to my utter dismay, found myself urging my phone to ring from Sunday afternoon onwards. I glared at it, I checked to make I had reception and the battery was charged, I read and reread BT's text, which sure made it seem like he was interested in me.

"Ring, damn you! Ring!" That's right, I yelled at my cell phone. Not my proudest moment.

Roommate Rachel, bless her innocent soul, thinks he is waiting to call because he's thinking of ideas for our first date. Somehow I had doubt there is a hot air balloon ride and picnic lunch in my near future. BT did mention that his lease is up soon, so he might be caught up in apartment hunting stress, but still. I can't make excuses for guy. He seemed so keen, I didn't think I'd have to wait this long.

Then, tonight, the phone rang. A number I didn't recognize.


"Is this Dolly D?" Male voice, British accent.

"Speaking. Who is this?"

"You don't remember me, Dolly D?" His repeated use of my full name cracked me up.

Magazine Mitch.

Now this was a surprise.

"I haven't seen you around Cozy Bar," I said. "I thought I'd run into you by now."

"I was there last Friday," Mitch replied.

"See, I asked Ben if he'd seen you recently and he said, 'Not for a while. But he did come to my show.' I had to remind him that we saw his show together. He can be such a jerk."

"Well, I saw him last week, but don't worry, I didn't spill the beans."

I laughed. "Oh, I'm over him now, anyway. So there's nothing to spill."


"Yeah. I mean, he's a cool guy, but let's call it temporary insanity."

Mitch said he wanted to hear all about my trip, but when I started to talk about it, he interrupted:

"No, no, I want you to tell me properly. In person."

He mentioned his own recent vacation and an amazing mushroom trip he had.

"It does sound like we have a lot to catch up on," I said.

He suggested meeting up for drinks this week and promised he wouldn't keep me out too late on a school night. He also said he's been doing various searches online to find my blog, but still hasn't been able to locate it (uh-oh, only a matter of time now).

I told him I'd call him tomorrow.

I don't want to have a rotation, I don't want to have a bunch of guys on the go simultaneously. I can't do flings without getting emotionally involved, it's no good.

I want BT to call. I got the feeling he could sweep me off my feet. Now, I have the feeling I won't be returning to Random Bar any time soon.

Magazine Mitch's reappearance is an unexpected twist. I do have a great time with him and I did promise to keep myself open to new experiences, so I might as well see where that will lead.


Beau said...

Ugh. I've got the opposite problem. I called the girl twice and left messages only to get a text message back. She said she was having a really bad week (she was badly injured in an auto accident recently) and didn't respond to my text message back. I'm now stuck wondering if I should call again or take the hint and keep my distance.

Vicious said...


Yeah, me too. I've got a few girls numbers myself recently. But when I call them up they seem to be confused (even irritated) as to why I'm calling and blow me off. I'd get a better reaction by dialing random strangers.


Is this something girls do?

As for BT, it's quite possible he psyched himself out, too scared to call now. Or maybe his mom died, you never know.

Captain Jack said...


Why don't you call or text him? Seems that would be easier than yelling at your phone.

I've had more than a dozen instances where I meant to call but got busy, put it off, and then thought "Well, it's been so long now..." and then she texts or calls out of the blue. It's a great experience for a guy.

~ CJ ~

P.S. Interesting blog, I'm hooked.

Leigh (the DFMer) said...

Nah, Dolly can't call him. He asked for her number. Calling him at this stage would mean being the pursuer. As a woman, that's usually not the way to go. This early in, it can freak the guy out and just push him away. Still, it is weird that he would act so interested and then not follow through. guys suck.

Waiting for the phone to ring is possibly the most irritating activity known to man/woman. I feel your pain.

Mitch sounds like a good guy though. He seems to like you a lot.

Red Stapler said...

::sits in the corner and waves her "Magazine Mitch" penant::

Dolly said...

I think you should try calling one more time. A car accident is a pretty good excuse for being incommunicado. Good luck!

I don't know what you are like when you call these girls, so I can't say where you might be going wrong. Generally, when a guy calls me, I prefer that he be pretty direct about making plans to see me, as opposed to a half hour or more of chit-chat before he get arounds to it. But that's just me; I'm not much of a phone person.

I'm not trying to be all Rules girl about this, I just think since he is the one who asked me out, after I replied saying yes, he should be the one to get in touch and set something up. It's quite simple. I want to be with a man who is going to be assertive enough to follow through on something like that.

Leigh and Red Stapler,
Mitch is a good guy and I do like him, but I still think he is just trying to get into my pants. Also, if there's going to be potential for anything, we're going to need to spend more time in non-bar settings.

Constant Dater said...

Give Mitch a non-bar whirl. It's the time of year to say "fuck it" and make the slightly non-characteristic choice.

Use the BT situation to reaffirm your not being interested in bartenders.

clarissa said...

ok so here is my take, which could be wrong:

BT was into the same scene you were into in college n stuff, right? from my pov, that is generally not a scene rife with men who are always particularly aggressive (or in some instances even super confident, which i think is sometimes the appeal of said scene).

When he texted you, did you send him a reply in the affirmative that it is totally ok for him to want to go out with you? if you didn't, or hell, maybe if you even did, possibly he feels like he already made the first step by having sent you that page. maybe he has been rendered shy by how aggressive he was that night in the bar?

as usual, i totally disagree with leigh on the idea that it is terrible for the woman to be the one doing the pursuing in a relationship. i know when i met mr. clarissa, he was entirely wrapped up in his art and didn't have much spare time at all, and when left to his own devices, had no spare time since he is so single minded it was very easy for him to just sit and work for hours every night. i realized that coupled with the fact he seemed to be a slow mover meant if i didn't pursue things equally, it would be too easy for things to turn into friendship instead of relationship, even if that potential result was borne more of my own impatience with things than anything.

if you like BT, like, think you could really like him in a boyfriendy type way, that seems like the sort of circumstance where it might be worth it to swallow a teeny bit of pride to make a move. if you are looking to be pursued to make up for some of the frustrations with BB, that's a different story entirely (but something that would seem entirely fair too, since that situation seemed rough on you)

Leigh (the DFMer) said...

"as usual" you disagree with me? heh do we know each other? geez...

I certainly didn't mean that it is "terrible" for the woman to be the one pursuing a relationship. Maybe I should have thought it through and explained better in my last post. But I feel like it should be more or less balanced... When it's unbalanced, the one doing the pursuing can start to feel awful and needy. That goes for both sexes.

It doesn't necessarily have to always be the guy. I've had some pretty successful attempts at "pursuing" in the past and I actually prefer to get phone numbers than to give them. But when someone says they want to take you out, they should call. It's their job to follow up on that.

MissCurious said...

i fucking love you! i swear we are truly living the exact same life on different coasts... wow. we both have 2 bartenders with whom we're struggling... and hmm, you have that iPod connection w/ Barman BT just the same thing that got me hooked on my iBartender. uncanny.

i also just wrote in my blog yesterday about how i can survive in any crazy situation in foreign countries and tell drug addicts threatening my life to go fuck themselves... and yet, w/ men... with men, i'm completely helpless... completely and utterly helpless... please explain why!?!?!?

at the mercy of our primal need to procreate?

fuck that ;-)

clarissa said...


i apologize, i didn't mean that "as usual i disagree with leigh" instead i meant "as usual i disagree with the idea that the man needs to do all the initiating."

sorry for the confusion, i wasn't clear.

Leigh (the DFMer) said...

it's cool. :-)

Dave said...

Reading the bits about constantly checking the phone really made me squirm, it makes me feel awful for the times I might have made a girl do the same thing. If you're out there, I'm sorry. Hey call me sometime. Anyway, I don't know Dolly, I used to be a bartender, it's a pretty busy scene, and by busy I mean with different girls. Meeting two bartenders in a row that you fancy is probably just a fluke but it's probably not a great idea.

Dolly said...

I still have major reservations about Mitch as more than a potential fling, despite him not being a bartender.

Fair point.

We're not helpless. I think the key is understanding why we end up in the situations we do. I needed to have the dead end crush on Barman Ben to keep me focused on personal projects those few months. By not focusing on dating so much, I was able to put more energy into other things (because, despite how it may look on the blog, obsessing about him didn't take up my every waking moment). I think part of why I am now over him is because I am ready for something more substantial and real, whereas before I wasn't.

See, I didn't get a player vibe from this one at all, but I suppose the nature of the job makes it easy to be a player. I really need to spend less time in bars...

Dave said...

"I really need to spend less time in bars..."

whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not be rash here!

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