Tuesday, April 17, 2007

tick tock, tick tock

Any minute now, BT will stumble upon this blog, into the private stories of the last sixteen months of my life. I shouldn't feel so much dread, but I do. I take pride in my writing, but I also know there's a good chance he might read the blog and decide he doesn't want to see me anymore. Maybe not because of what I wrote about other people, but what I wrote about him.

I stand by my words; I still think BT and I are both a bit lost and frustrated in our lives, and a relationship might put more strain on the existing situations. At the same time, I know that I haven't met a man with this much boyfriend potential in over a year. I know there's a chemistry, a something between us.

I also know that we need to go on some real dates to see what this something is. Dates that don't involve alcohol and nudity. Are we destined to have nothing more than a fling? I don't know. Could I handle a purely physical relationship? I thought I could, but I usually end up getting emotionally attached (damn oxytocin!) and I can see myself heading down that path with BT.

For the most part, I took a break from dating this year, and it has served me well. It's been great to be self-sufficient and put my attention into the non-romantic aspects of my life. However, I was saying to Polly this morning, say I accomplish the two goals I set out for myself this year, I get myself in proper shape and find a new job. Then what? A boyfriend will magically appear because I'm officially "ready"? It doesn't work that way.

It's safe not to get attached to anyone, and the last couple of weeks have shown me the ups and downs that can occur. I get nervous when I don't hear from him, I feel all smiley when I know I'm going to see him, and I've had periodic moments of anxiety in between when trying to figure out What it All Means.

I wish I could be the cool girl, the takes-things-as-they-come girl, instead of the confused girl.

All around me, I see failed relationships. My heart goes out to Polly, who I have been trying to comfort over her recent breakup. My parents did not set a good template of a happy and successful relationship for me (though I love them dearly and don't want to place any blame on them). Yes, I know of a few happy couples, but they seem more the exception than the rule. I have tried everything I can think of and have even tried not trying, but my love life often seems in a state of disarray. Pacing and patience are two of my problems, I know that much.

Being a romantic in New York City (or probably anywhere, for that matter) is murder. I don't believe in god, but I believe in true love, and keeping that faith can be unbelievably hard sometimes. I know I can do it again, open up and be vulnerable, make another person's happiness a priority, foster intimacy and friendship, listen, comfort, support, all of that relationship good stuff. I know reciprocity is key. I have the How down, it's just a matter of the When and the Who.

Maybe what I'm scared of is wanting all that stuff again, knowing that I have to give my heart to balance the scales. It's such a risk, such a leap of faith. How do people do it? How did I?

11 comments:

Tis said...

If it makes you feel better - it'll take him at least a good 8-12 hours to read through your work. Plus, if he reads through it, then he'll know you a lot better than most people that you meet.

BT - Hi!

Jack said...

Three things:

1) If you're really that worried about BT finding this blog (and I so can't wait to find out that it's really Brian Transeau!) and reading what you've written about him, I find it surprising that you keep adding to the pile. Particularly given your familiarity with the PUA meshugoss, it's weird for you to be so open about your attraction to someone in a forum you believe he'll soon have access to.

2) Notwithstanding any practical implications of (1), from a reader's perspective this chapter has been great.

3) Talk to a Buddhist for five minutes---it's really very amusing you wonder why your love life is always in such a state and then in the next breath affirm that you believe in true love. Desire is the crank that turns the wheel of human misery. You believe that having something called true love will make you happy; therefore you are unhappy because you do not have true love. For the same reason billionaires are so frequently miserable, it's your desire that creates a perception of something missing. Lose the illusion that this thing true love (what do you think that is, anyway? this isn't a rhetorical question) will make you happy and you will remember that you actually are happy, already.

Dolly said...

Tis,
My concern is that it throws off the balance of the amount of personal information revealed. But, oh well, that's the risk of having such a blog.

Jack,
I have taken some guided meditation classes and have actually had some pretty in-depth discussions with experts on Buddhism, though I can see where your advice would be helpful. I think there is a lot of useful and rich insight to glean, but I don't agree with all Buddhist beliefs. Yes, a certain type of desire is bound to lead to unhappiness, but I still think there is something to be said for setting some goals--not pinning future happiness on them, but doing so to challenge oneself and encourage personal evolution. At the same time, I think it's important to acknowledge certain more animalistic urges (lust, etc.) and find an outlet for them instead of meditating them away. Also, I think there's a difference between my saying I believe in true love and saying that is what I desire above all else (which you'll notice I didn't write). I have spent a long time taking responsibility for my own happiness, and I like to think I'm getting pretty good at it. Maybe "true love" is a poor phrase. What I really mean is enduring love. And I'm not looking for it to complete me or make me happy. I know all that comes from within and I am constantly working to shift my perspective toward one where I recognize what a great life I have.

Writergal said...

Try not to worry about BT finding your blog. I think it's refreshing that someone has the ability to express their feelings and really say "this is me, like me or not." If BT does find the blog and decides against pursuing the relationship, it's his loss.

Your blog shows that you're someone who is in touch with her feelings, is smart, quirky, and lives life to its fullest. If he can't handle that, he can't handle you. You're a writer, and a writer shouldn't be afraid of expressing her thoughts or feelings.

I know someone who was applying for a new job and erased her blog for fear of the company discovering her thoughts. Now, she deeply regrets doing so.

Above all, always remember that you're a great person who shouldn't feel that she has to hide anything about herself!

Steve said...

I wouldn't worry about him finding this blog either. Having been reading about this part of your life since the whole Village Voice event, I find myself incredibly attracted to you despite not having any sense of what you look like. For me it’s like being attracted to a fiction character. For him, it will be a chance to see another part of you.

If anything the barman will like you more not less after reading this. The only real issue will be dealing with the information asymmetry that will follow.

clarissa said...

if anything he might dislike me for making fun of a few things he said....and what he thinks of me is irrelevant.

it's interesting to me that you are concerned about this blog. it is a blog, a well written blog, that has delved into things like dating, sex, but more importantly, the emotions behind them. if it was solely "oh this weekend i fucked that guy, and the weekend before i got all fucked on pot" it would be one thing, but what you're presenting is a very human diary. i think it was maybe a little more salacious in the beginning, but even then, if that is enough to scare someone off, then they are lame, because salacious doesn't equal skanky or wrong...you know?

the only thing i'd worry he might be concerned about is the BB stuff, but only because i imagine it could be intimidating for anyone to see the magnitude of a crush someone had before meeting/dating them. the only reason i say that even, is because before me mr. clarissa dated this incredible artist/ballerina and at first i had all those whingey feelings of "how can i possible compare?"

Dolly said...

Writergal, Steve, and Clarissa,

I appreciate the words of support (and Steve, attracted? Really?). Sometimes I forget that I shouldn't look at the blog as a liability, but more as a body of work that I created and should be proud of. So thanks.

Stretch said...

Dolly,

I have been following your blog (and the comments) for some time now, and I must say that Jack's advice that "Desire is the crank that turns the wheel of human misery" is the best lesson I have seen here yet. You seem to have a lot going for you. From reading this I get the impression that you are a self-aware, thoughtful, and interesting woman. But I have also gotten the impression that one thing that keeps you from getting the relationships you want is a constant comparison you make in your mind between the way things are to the way you think they "should be." It is like you have this image in your mind of your ideal man / ideal relationship and when the situation differs from that, you begin to withdraw or think "something isn't quite right here...time to look for something else...I cannot lower my standards." This is the thought process that creates the desire that makes you dissatisfied. Your "standards" aren't "real;" they are actually the cause of whatever unhappiness you feel.

I encourage you to consider that the relationship you have with BT is already perfect, in this moment, and that there is nothing more to desire that you do not already have. Although the relationship you currently have with BT might differ somewhat from your mental image of where you would like it to be, believing that it is all already perfect is a much more powerful (and attractive) place to stand than believing there is something left to be gained.

I wasn't there, but if I were a betting man I would say that the thing that probably caused BT to move so quickly from wanting to be your boyfriend to saying "I don't think I should be dating anyone right now" is that your way of being communicated to him that you felt something was missing, and you wanted to fix / complete that. You might have made the same mistake men make when they finally meet a woman they think could be "Miss Right:" you probably communicated too much desire too soon.

If believing that the relationship is already perfect strikes you as "phony" or "inauthentic," consider that from BT's perspective the relationship might already be perfect, and your subjective judgment as to whether something is missing is no more valid than his.

Dolly said...

Stretch,
Is your real name Christian Carter? Just kidding. Thank you for such a thoughtful comment. You've definitely given me something to ponder. I have certainly lived a lot in my head (comes with the writer territory) and need to learn how to do less scripting when it comes to the real world.

Stretch said...

Stop that. You are making me want to drop this legal stuff and become a "Rules" coach ;-)

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