Monday, April 30, 2007

the good, the bad, the unexpected

On paper, last week was not a good week. At least, not when compared to the week before.

The week before was full of potential. The romantic situation was convoluted-but-promising and I had an amazing job interview. An interview where I saw a future for myself, with a company I admired and was excited at the prospect of joining. Just like that, out of nowhere, in the space of a few days, life appeared to be in an upswing.

Then last week happened. The email from BT happened. Then I got a call from the company, telling me how much they loved me, what a great impression I made... but how they decided they need someone with more relevant industry experience after all. Just like that, everything seemed to go to shit.

In the past, I would have let the disappointments really get to me. Granted, I did spend a little time moping, but I decided to shift my perspective. The fact that my love and work life took these unexpected turns taught me to expect unpredictability and weather the (positive and negative) surprises with as much grace as possible.

A few weeks ago, I saw The Last Kiss, a movie in which Zack Braff has a fabulous career, a gorgeous girlfriend pregnant with his child, and a group of awesome friends, but because he is about to turn 30 and thinks his life has no more surprises in store for him, he has a big ol' existential crisis and acts like a dumbass for 90 cinematic minutes. For the most part, I enjoyed the film (I'm partial to the angst of my peers). I found it comforting that a character that had a great life mapped out for him would envy the thing that my life is currently rife with: unpredictability. It made me realize how much freedom I have, and how open I am to the unexpected. I am not tied to my job, I have no kids or other family to support, and my lease expires this summer. I have some responsibilities, but in many ways, I am a free agent. That's pretty great.

If I learned anything from the movie, it's that people will always find reasons to have a crisis, reasons to be dissatisfied with what they've been dealt. I'm trying not to do that. Yes, I do feel anxious at the lack of stability in my life, but I also know I'm taking active measures to improve my situation, while remembering that the "right" job or man will not make me happy. All I can do is find that happiness in ways that are within my reach. I'm learning to focus less on having a perfect life and more on enjoying perfect moments.

A short list of perfect moments this weekend: seeing the magnolia trees in bloom in the park, eating sushi while watching DVDs on my couch, having a drunk bartender shamelessly flirt with me (no, not Ben or BT), laughing with Polly, and most of all this:

5:00am Saturday, smoking outside, tipsy, not realizing the drop in temperature until back inside.

"Why are your fingers cold?"

"Because I was outside smoking."

"How many did you have?"

"Three. In a row."

Suddenly, my cold hands were enveloped in warm ones, the chill rubbed out of them, the fingers kissed.

I looked up and smiled.

"Thank you."


Stretch said...

This is the best post I have read on this blog yet. Thanks. said...

As trite as this sounds, everythign happens for a reason. Don't focus on what didn't materialize or work out. It will only make that situation grow. Focus on the great things (and there are great things) and you'll see how your life turns around. I promise.

Sex & Moxie

Tis said...

You know - it's funny: while I don't agree with the whole 'everything happens for a reason' (I'm a firm believer in controlling your own fate), I will say that you can take any situation, look at it from a different angle, and turn it into a positive one - which is precisely what you did. I'm glad that you realize this!

Now who is this (I'm assuming) boy that's warming and kissing your fingers, hmmm!?

Aphexcoil said...

I'm stuck in a long night-time meeting but this is your best piece of writing I have read of yours yet.


Jane is Dating said...

good to see where you're headed- may i suggest staying away from bartenders for a while? they just seem to be your recipe for heartache. Try someone with a day job! :)

Sarah said...

I kind of loved that movie too, Dolly. ;)

Ana Renee Jones said...


I love your positive outlook. You're doing well consider the whole situation. Keep your head up, so angels can kiss it.

Take care,
Ana Renee Jones

blogging said...

Hang in there Dolly, and know that you're not alone. I totally relate. It's funny how sometimes what we really need to do, is sit back, and relish what we have in our life...the good things that remain constant, and balance out the unpredictable events. Because in the end, things will work out. We may not see how or why at the time, but sometimes, you just gotta go on faith that it will. Kudos to you for keeping your chin up and focusing on the positive. It shows you have quite an inner strength about you. xo, bb

Stretch said...

This post got me thinking about writing in general...then I stumbled on this quote:

"First thoughts are...unencumbered by ego, by that mechanism in us that tries to be in control, tries to prove the world is permanent and solid, enduring and logical. The world is not permanent, is ever changing and full of human suffering. So if you express something egoless, it is also full of energy because it is expressing the truth of the way things are."
--Natalie Goldberg

Thanks for doing that.

Vicious said...

I don't know weather everyone who's commented so far knows who this finger kissing guy is, or they don't know and feel stupid for asking. So I'll be the one to go ahead and say it...

Who the hell is kissing your fingers?


Corina said...

I've been reading for a long time -- possibly since the blog's inception -- and I've often *almost* commented, then thought better of it the next day.

This time a thought kept tugging at me.

I saw The Last Kiss when I was, literally and figuratively, in flight from a wonderful boyfriend, en route to London and singledom in the hopes of new surprises.

And that film made me cry so hard the Air India stewardesses even took note.

I think the message of the film is that love is beautiful. Single life holds mystery, but pales in comparison to the excitement and satisfaction of building a life with someone.

I wasn't merely wooed by a Scrubs star, but after 6 months here, I've realized that although I'm having a blast (dated 22 guys and snagged an amazing current Brit boyfriend)my heart is in the States, and after another 6 months of bylines, I'm heading home.

Just my interpretation.

B said...

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