Saturday, January 14, 2006

Frankenstein's Revenge

[Warning: it is 4:00am as I write this and I am not sober.]

I recently started reading this guy's blog. Let's call him Keaton. Keaton's is funny, intelligent, but a little socially inept and very unlucky in love.

The more I read Keaton's blog, the more I cringed at his the little social mistakes and the more I wanted to help. I jokingly offered to set Keaton up with one of my cool, single female friends (I have several), and then the joke became serious. He agreed to let me work my matchmaking magic.

During the course of trying to find out whether he and one of my friends would be compatible, I started criticizing some of Keaton's strategies with the ladies. I tried to give him pointers on where he was going wrong, and offered advice on everything from what not to talk about on a date (money troubles) to what kind of shoes to buy (black, in the loafer family but not quite). I stressed being chivalrous, told him to keep the sexual innuendo to a minimum, and suggested what to wear (jeans, button-down shirt, suit jacket).

We exchanged dozens of emails during the past few days and I did everything I could to retain my anonymity. For me, this blog represents being able to write freely on any sex/dating/relationship-related topic, and keeping my real self secret from Keaton was crucial. At the same time, it also gave me the freedom to be brutally honest with him and tell him, in great detail, why he was failing with the ladies. I even offered to go on a pretend date with him, to assess his technique (in retrospect, it sounds awful to me, too).

To my utter shock, Keaton listened to my advice, to the point of buying the pair of shoes I suggested. One thing led to another, and we ended up in different bars in the same neighborhood. I was with a small group of people and, after a couple of drinks, sent Keaton a text message asking if he wanted to stop by. He agreed.

I should have seen this coming. I was expecting to meet a guy that was moderately-but-not-very attractive, whose personality would make me run for the hills.

I recognized him right away, because he was wearing the exact outfit I suggested. It hardly mattered, though.

When I saw him, I was stunned and frustrated. Stunned, because he was infinitely more good looking than the pictures he sent me. Frustrated, because I knew (from the very beginning, before we even met) that he wouldn't go for me.

What made it even worse was that the people I was drinking with, who I met that night, couldn't stand him. Which shouldn't be a big deal, but I knew most of my friends would probably be put off by him, too. Even so, I couldn't help but be drawn to his warped sense of humor and be horribly attracted to him. He managed to inadvertently offend or put off every person I was with, and I tried to roll my eyes and pretend to be just as put off as the rest of them, even while laughing at most of his jokes. Instead, I did the thing I do where I act really obnoxious toward a guy to cover up the fact that I like him. It was devastating.

Sucks to be me, right? I tried so hard to mold Keaton into someone that one of my friends might fancy, and I ended up fancying him myself, even though I knew there were a thousand reasons why nothing would ever come of it (starting with the fact that I'm not his type and-- well, there's no point in listing reasons beyond that, is there? Though really, if we ever did get together, we'd drive each other crazy.).

That's what I get for trying to adopt my own Pygmalion.

Serves me right, too.

And now? I can't even make good on my promise to set him up, because I'd be too fucking jealous if he hit it off with one of my friends (he probably wouldn't , but I don't even feel like I can take that chance).

Whose fault is it for creating this drama and putting myself in this awkward situation? Who's the social retard (apart from Keaton)? That's right... me!

Good lord. I better hook up with someone new soon, because I don't know how else to deal with this whole disturbing scenario.

16 comments:

cameron said...

Thank you for the late night drunken post. So entertaining. You are a freaking mess woman, get your act together!

Anonymous City Girl said...

So you are attracted to someone who isn't normally "your type", cause after some contact at arms length (retaining your anonymity, emails, etc) you feel you are not "his type".
And then, instead of possiblly taking a risk and pursuing him... maybe he'll have the same reaction you had and break his "type" norms, to TOTALLY write him off cause people you met THAT night don't like him?!
This isn't high school anymore. And unless he is actually abusive to you, your friends should be polite and MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS.
You two alreay agree on one very important point. You both have a very high opinion of your advice. You gave him advice and damned if he didn't he didn't follow that to a tee! Now instead of trying to change him into something OTHER peoeple will enjoy, why not let him be himself and you continue to enjoy that.

Vespertine said...

Dolly-
I`m with ACG on this one. I spent many years being uber-judgmental....of myself. I made decisions about whether some guy would be into me or not based on my own arbitrary insecurities. That`s not to say that maybe these guys wouldn`t be attracted to me for whatever other reasons, but the point is, if a guy is or is not attracted to you...its HIS decision, not yours.

Confidence, my dear, will get you everywhere!

Vespertine said...

Oh, also, I tagged you. Get on it, slacker.

Dolly said...

Cameron, I'm glad my messy social life is entertaining. That's why I'm here. Bear in mind, if I get my act together, this blog won't be nearly as interesting.

ACG, I was attracted to Keaton because he *is* my type, especially physically. The reason I won't pursue him isn't because a couple of people I was with didn't like him, that would be dumb. It's because I know he's not interested in me that way. I got absolutely zero cues from him and I know it's going to be a platonic thing. Which is fine.

Vespertine, I am very confident! I'm also aware enough to know when a guy is into me and when he isn't. Keaton isn't.

(Oh, and I linked your blog ages ago! I just had the title wrong. Should be fixed now.)

Anonymous City Girl said...

I got absolutely zero cues from him

well duh! you were both in cas mode (a quick text, spur of the moment meet up)... you are with a group of people who are not getting a long with him and you "tried to roll my eyes and pretend to be just as put off as the rest of them"
Why would he give you any signals that he is intersted in you (even if he is) if the signals you were sending were that you "put off" by him? No one wants to set themself up for rejection... men play the odds... You made the odds to appear NOT to be in his favor... You will never know if he may be interested if you decide for him and send signals you aren't.

Dolly said...

ACG, I send him drunken text messages at three in the morning telling him how hot he was. If that hint went over his head...

Vespertine said...

Dolly...lol. No no no. See my post from Jan. 13. Being tagged is NOT the same as being linked.

But thanks for the link!!

Anonymous City Girl said...

Talk about sending him mixed signals.
Rolling your eyes one minute and tell him he's hot later?
Would you be interested in a guy that was condisending (sp?) to you infront of a group of guys at a bar and then sent you a text message later saying you were hot?

Cameron said...

if I get my act together, this blog won't be nearly as interesting.

I realize that, and I'm sure you will get your act together at some point. But in the meantime we'll have a few years of entertainment. Maybe a decade if we're lucky.

Dolly said...

ACG, it's true, I was a little bitchy to him at the bar. The craziest thing about all of this is that he still wants to be friends.

Vespertine, I saw the survey I was tagged for. I think I'll have to decline answering, for the sake of protecting my anonymity.

Cameron, it's not going to be a decade or even a few years. I think things are going to start settling down for me this year.

Homosexual Suspect said...

Dolly, do you really want to be with the guy who's in jeans, a button down shirt and a suit jacket? What it all comes down to is that we all *think* we want to date/fuck/fall totally butt-crazy in love with Mr. GQ 2006, when in reality we go mindless babble and dull conversation when they're actually there.

(Also, for the record, last night was Friday, the 13th, so I mean, seriously, let's go easy on Dolly).

But really, I am quite proud of you for unmasking yourself and losing your anonymity. They'll need to be more stories regarding the inevitable men Dolly will meet.

Dolly said...

HS, I completely forgot it was Friday the 13th. This weekend is a full moon, too, so I think my strange behavior might be cosmically justified.

I don't need to be with a man who wears a jacket or anything like that, but I think when you reach a certain age, it's important to be able to look smart and dress tastefully. I take a lot of care with my appearance, and I'd rather not go on a first date with somebody wearing sneakers, jeans, and a baseball cap. Yes, that is superficial, but first impressions are important.

Also, I dropped my anonymity with Keaton, but (one of) the moral(s) of the story here is to stop meeting people over the internet. I'm going to do the real world thing for a while, if I can.

NewYorkMoments said...

I just need to point out a very important and possibly not obvious detail....

It's rarely if ever good to meet blogger guys...and those e-mails things are generally bad, too. Trust me on this one.

Dolly said...

NYMoments, I've met so many people via the internet at this point (dozens and dozens) that I've realized it's as much of a crap shoot as meeting them in real life. However, I don't want to meet any other guys through this particular blog.

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