Friday, January 06, 2006

Why Dolly won't go Poly

I know a girl who is in an open marriage. Just the words "open marriage" make me shudder in disgust.

Call me old-fashioned, but I find the thought of being married and still dating pretty repellent. Isn't one of the perks of marriage supposed to be not needing to date anymore? Also, isn't having an intimate relationship with one person exhausting enough? Where do these polyamorous people find time to cultivate secondary and tertiary relationships? Not to mention how challenging it is to find one person you can talk to and have great sex with. Where are the poly crowd getting all these extra people from? Either there are fairy godmothers we don't know about, these people are extraordinarily lucky, or they are not as discriminating as I am. My chips are on that last one.

The open marriage girl I know is cute, even sexy. I have not met her husband, but have seen pictures of him and he is... not cute and not sexy. Of course, he might photograph terribly and have the nicest personality in the world or a dick as wide as a Coke can, so I won't judge. Thing is, I met one of her boyfriends, and he wasn't that hot, either. A girl like her, if we are talking looks alone, could and should do better. I saw pictures of another boyfriend and he is also not that attractive. One one hand, it's nice to know we'll never fight over the same men, but on the other, I am baffled that a pretty girl like that is going after these geeky guys. (And we all know there's geeky and there's GEEKY and I am talking about the latter). What is going on here?

Sometimes, I wonder if swinging is a way for former nerds to get being slutty out of their system. Not that their aren't pretty poly folk out there, but there are some seriously unattractive ones, too, and they are ALWAYS the ones who seem to enjoy making out in public (when I lived in another city, there was a strong poly sect at the club I frequented, and it was always the supremely unappealing people who were sucking face and groping each other there). It's as if they can't get over the fact that people finally want to sleep with them, so they go out and form these clusterfucks.

I think polyamory is one big cop-out. You might as well say to the world, "I don't think I will ever find The One, so I will settle for many ones. At the same time. Even lesser ones." Granted, I'm not naive enough to believe I will find one person that will satisfy every one of my needs, but that's where friends come in handy. Also? When I'm having sex with someone I love, the idea of having sex with somebody else is not all that appealing (unless maybe it's a gorgeous movie star, but even then, I don't know where they've been!). And I certainly don't want my significant other to be getting naked with anyone but me. Sure, the idea of having a threesome is a little sexy, but also strikes me as potentially awkward, confusing, and rife with multitasking. Which isn't to say that threesomes are a regular event in the life of swingers, but it's been known to happen.

I don't know if my aversion to polyamory makes me a prude. Actually, I know it doesn't, considering that I recently had two one night stands two nights in a row (it was a slutty weekend, so sue me). Some might say I'm not open to the idea of open relationships because I'm insecure in myself or my lover or that I'm possessive. Insecure in myself? Definitely not. I'm fabulous and I know it. Insecure in my guy? Only when it's a crappy relationship and we're on the outs. Possessive? Maybe a little bit. But if I get a twinge of ownership, I don't mind if it's reciprocated. I think a little jealousy in a relationship isn't all that bad, because it makes you remember that you have a great person in your life, a person that other people notice and lust after, and a person you want to hold on to.

I remember when they taught us about sharing in school, but they never said anything about sharing lovers. Technically, until I get me a nice boy to call my own, all my relationships will be open. Nevertheless, I would never get seriously involved with a man knowing he wanted to see other people, indefinitely.

Even though it may seem like I'm slutting around at the moment, ultimately I want to find that one person to settle down with. And when I do, I'm going to make damn sure our relationship is strictly one-on-one. Call me greedy...


Kim said...

i love your blog dolly!
i totally agree, just say no to more than one person. i mean one is stressful enough!
i am doing my psych rotation right now in school and the other day actually we saw a patient who is in an "open marriage" and she has been having 3somes w/her husband and her male roomate. she is currently in a locked down psych ward for the next month. need i say more?

Anonymous City Girl said...

Not being in to poly doesn't make you prudish, greedy, or possessive... just as me not having the desire to be involved in a polyamourous relationship doesn't make me those things either. But based on this post you seem just as judgemental about their relationships as fundimentalist at a gay pride parade. Just cause it doesn't appeal to you does not make it disgusting... and just cause you find someone unattractive does not mean everyone finds them unattractive.
And just to clarify a point for you... swinger and those in polyamourous relations are two very different groups... swings look for mulitple short term sexual partners... a polyamourous relationship tend to take on the structure of a family of sorts. where everyone interacts on diffenrent levels.
I think that the woman who ended up in the psych ward had other issues than 3somes.

Dolly said...

City girl, you're right, the swinging community and poly community are different things, though some people belong to both.

And yes, I may have been (more than) a little judgmental. Just because it isn't my lifestyle, I shouldn't find it so off-putting if it's something others want to engage in, especially since I know/have known a few lovely people who happen to be poly. I can't help but be turned off by those who select it as a long-term lifestyle. Maybe my views on marriage are conservative, but to me walking down the aisle signifies a lifelong committment to ONE person. I have also heard of people in open relationships having children, and while the family structure in our society is changing and evolving, I can't help but think how possibly damaging coming from such an unorthodox family.

Anonymous City Girl said...

Just to clarify... when I say take on a family structure, I mean a group of adults forming a family unit.

Manic Mom said...

Like your blog, reminds me of my college days.

And hey! Hello ANONYMOUS CITY GIRL--it's always FUN to run into a blogging acquaintance where you least expect it. Do you miss Nancy? She's a farm gal now!

Anyway, Dolly, keep blogging!

Dolly said...

Hi Manic Mom,

I wish this blog was more like my college days, because dating was so much easier back then! Things naturally seemed to evolve romantically with guys, instead of having to go on all these structured dates the way it is now. Oh well, a girl's gotta do...

Pretty Kitty said...

Somewhere out there, there must be people with successful, mature, mutually satisfying polyamorous relationships.

But there are an awful lot of ugly, fat, socially rejected people in RenFaire garb talking tech and groping each other in public. Ew.

I'm with ya, Dolly.

Anonymous said...

Hey Dolly :)
Ya, this is a topic I have experience in... My ex and I were swingers or in the "lifestyle".
Most swingers do have emotionally monogamous relationships. But sexually, they like to tear it up once in a while.
Poly relationships... thats kinda creepy! But whatever floats your boat. Anyways, if your a reader, the book "The Lifestyle by Terry Goould" is a good read. Its like an investigative report.
Good work. :)

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