Why Dolly won't go Poly

I know a girl who is in an open marriage. Just the words "open marriage" make me shudder in disgust.

Call me old-fashioned, but I find the thought of being married and still dating pretty repellent. Isn't one of the perks of marriage supposed to be not needing to date anymore? Also, isn't having an intimate relationship with one person exhausting enough? Where do these polyamorous people find time to cultivate secondary and tertiary relationships? Not to mention how challenging it is to find one person you can talk to and have great sex with. Where are the poly crowd getting all these extra people from? Either there are fairy godmothers we don't know about, these people are extraordinarily lucky, or they are not as discriminating as I am. My chips are on that last one.

The open marriage girl I know is cute, even sexy. I have not met her husband, but have seen pictures of him and he is... not cute and not sexy. Of course, he might photograph terribly and have the nicest personality in the world or a dick as wide as a Coke can, so I won't judge. Thing is, I met one of her boyfriends, and he wasn't that hot, either. A girl like her, if we are talking looks alone, could and should do better. I saw pictures of another boyfriend and he is also not that attractive. One one hand, it's nice to know we'll never fight over the same men, but on the other, I am baffled that a pretty girl like that is going after these geeky guys. (And we all know there's geeky and there's GEEKY and I am talking about the latter). What is going on here?

Sometimes, I wonder if swinging is a way for former nerds to get being slutty out of their system. Not that their aren't pretty poly folk out there, but there are some seriously unattractive ones, too, and they are ALWAYS the ones who seem to enjoy making out in public (when I lived in another city, there was a strong poly sect at the club I frequented, and it was always the supremely unappealing people who were sucking face and groping each other there). It's as if they can't get over the fact that people finally want to sleep with them, so they go out and form these clusterfucks.

I think polyamory is one big cop-out. You might as well say to the world, "I don't think I will ever find The One, so I will settle for many ones. At the same time. Even lesser ones." Granted, I'm not naive enough to believe I will find one person that will satisfy every one of my needs, but that's where friends come in handy. Also? When I'm having sex with someone I love, the idea of having sex with somebody else is not all that appealing (unless maybe it's a gorgeous movie star, but even then, I don't know where they've been!). And I certainly don't want my significant other to be getting naked with anyone but me. Sure, the idea of having a threesome is a little sexy, but also strikes me as potentially awkward, confusing, and rife with multitasking. Which isn't to say that threesomes are a regular event in the life of swingers, but it's been known to happen.

I don't know if my aversion to polyamory makes me a prude. Actually, I know it doesn't, considering that I recently had two one night stands two nights in a row (it was a slutty weekend, so sue me). Some might say I'm not open to the idea of open relationships because I'm insecure in myself or my lover or that I'm possessive. Insecure in myself? Definitely not. I'm fabulous and I know it. Insecure in my guy? Only when it's a crappy relationship and we're on the outs. Possessive? Maybe a little bit. But if I get a twinge of ownership, I don't mind if it's reciprocated. I think a little jealousy in a relationship isn't all that bad, because it makes you remember that you have a great person in your life, a person that other people notice and lust after, and a person you want to hold on to.

I remember when they taught us about sharing in school, but they never said anything about sharing lovers. Technically, until I get me a nice boy to call my own, all my relationships will be open. Nevertheless, I would never get seriously involved with a man knowing he wanted to see other people, indefinitely.

Even though it may seem like I'm slutting around at the moment, ultimately I want to find that one person to settle down with. And when I do, I'm going to make damn sure our relationship is strictly one-on-one. Call me greedy...