Sunday early afternoon (in the middle of a three day weekend), on my way home from spending the night at Arty Adam's. Tired, but no hangover, even though we finished off a bottle of rum the previous night. I slept poorly, partly because I was in a new person's bed, partly because Adam plays music to go to sleep and I was too polite to ask him to turn it off (even at low volume, I have trouble sleeping with music in the background), and partly because his apartment was overheated. Nevertheless, I was in a great mood.
It was a sunny, crisp day out, and I'm sure I had a spring in my step.
I got my morning coffee and called Tyler while walking home. We chatted for a few minutes, commiserating over each other's hellish work weeks and mentioned about how happy we were to have three full days to relax. Since we were both craving low key activities, I asked if he wanted to come over again to watch movies. He did. 4:00pm? Perfect. Gave me a few hours to shower, change, tidy up the apartment, have lunch, and otherwise ready myself to see TV Tyler.
This time I did wear the fancy lacy underwear.
When he came over a little later, it was all I could do not to pounce on him right away. I waited until he took off his jacket.
We kissed hello and I swear, I am still mystified at our chemistry. This guy actually makes me weak in the knees when I kiss him.
It took us ages to decide on a movie to watch, not because of indecisiveness, but because we kept getting... distracted. Then it took us a while to actually watch the film, because we kept pausing it. The movie was foreign and became extremely gory toward the end, which left us both disturbed. When the credits rolled and we started making out again, he stopped for a second and said,
"I don't think I can kiss you right now."
"Oh really." I kept my arms around him and brought my face in. He quickly changed his mind.
We were both still shaken up by the horrifying images from the movie, but I think the released adrenaline and intense emotion worked in our favor.
Basically, we went into my room at a little after 7:00pm and did not emerge again until nearly midnight (for a quick snack, before heading back to the bedroom).
I am trying to find words to describe how amazing the sex was, but I can't because every time I start to think about it, I become unable to type. I have barely been able to think about anything else since.
For one thing, we both beat personal records of number of sessions in a 24-hour period. We couldn't believe that were able to go at it six times without imparting any serious physical damage. I can safely say it was some of the best sex of my life. No whips or chains, no bells and whistles, it was all pretty straightforward and pretty phenomenal.
I don't know about the rest of you, but when I have sex with someone, it can be tough for me to make eye contact. Even with a boyfriend, looking at the guy in medias res can be quite intense and overwhelming and isn't something I am often able to do. I felt so comfortable with TV Tyler that there were several moments where we made and maintained eye contact (and even smiled at each other).
I'm not trying to make this into something it isn't. There has been no talk of a relationship or our feelings for each other. Right now, it's good company and great sex.
However, I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm starting to care about him. Maybe it's the oxytocin talking, but I can't help it. I realize how dangerous that is, knowing that he is lacking direction in his life and has this enormous responsibility of a child living thousands of miles away. He has been through so much with the break-up of his marriage and all these other life circumstances I won't go into, and it breaks my heart a little knowing how much pain he has endured. At the same time, when he talks about it, he isn't self-pitying or looking for sympathy, he merely states these experiences as fact.
On our second date, after making a cutting remark, he said, "I'm a bastard... or maybe I just use that as a way to cover up the fact that I'm really a nice guy underneath it all."
He's sarcastic and deadpan and jokes about having no feelings, but I think that's because he has had to put up a wall after everything he's been through.
The thing is, I know that when we spend time together, we're happy. Yes, right now it's more physical than anything else. We are slowly starting to open up to each other, but we're both still emotionally guarded. There is a lot about the darker parts of myself I still haven't shared with him. I'm not ready, because I don't know what's going on in his head and am unsure of his level of compassion.
Who knows, maybe TV Tyler won't allow himself to feel anything for me at all. I have to be prepared for the fact that at any moment, he might tell me that this is as far as it will ever go, that he can't handle anything more serious.
Or maybe, like me, he realizes that whatever this is, when he and I get together, the rest of the world falls away. Maybe, like me, despite overwhelming reservations, he's starting to wonder if this could be something.